Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
It takes a while for Tyler’s driver to arrive, predictably enough on Christmas Eve, and it is a strange time we spend together.
I can tell he would like to go immediately.
He is hurt, possibly embarrassed, and wants to be alone.
I get that, but we can do nothing but wait.
I try to persuade him to stay, or failing that to eat or drink, but he resists me with a newly erected wall of politeness.
I hate it, but I understand it. He needs to do whatever it takes to get through this.
When the car arrives from Penzance, its headlights casting a glow on our faces as we wait outside the inn, we share an awkward hug and I wave him off.
I watch him drive away, my arms wrapped around myself against the chill of the night.
Behind me, inside, the party continues. I hear snatches of music, laughter, all of the curtains drawn but light spilling around them.
I could go back inside. I could have a drink and hide away from this.
I stroll towards the little bench that looks out over the sea, my boots crunching on the snow.
No, I decide, I cannot do that. I can’t pretend that nothing has happened.
I clear a space on the bench and sit down.
It is cold and damp and I don’t really care.
I stare out at the vast spread of stars, the twinkling gems that stretch as far as the eye can see.
The moon is not quite full but casts a silvery light on the waves.
The sound of the sea has always calmed me, and I concentrate on that now.
I will keep on breathing, and the world will keep on turning. Everything will be fine.
Right now, I do not feel fine. I have hurt Tyler, and I know I will miss him.
There is a little empty spot in my heart where he used to live, but I can’t deny that there is also a tiny touch of relief – of pressure lifting now the horrible deed has been done.
I hate that I feel that, but perhaps it does at least assure me that I’ve done the right thing.
For both of us. He might not think that tonight, but he will, eventually. When he finds his real match.
As for me, maybe I simply need to give up on love. That sounds like a horrible idea, but I am exhausted by it all. Haunted by the remnants of my failed marriage; pained by my inability to make things work with Tyler. And, right in the middle of it all, the tangled knot of my feelings for Liam.
I have never really thought of Liam as ‘the one who got away’.
That implies a missed romance, and he was always so much more than that, really – he was my best friend, my other half, the person who just ‘got’ me.
He was also the first boy who made my pulse race faster, and then the first to break my heart.
It was all a very long time ago, but if my time here in Cornwall has showed me anything, it’s that it still matters.
Our friendship still matters. His rejection still matters.
He still matters. And let’s face it, my pulse still goes crazy whenever I’m near him. Even more so now.
I rub my face with my hands, unable to see a way out of this particular conundrum.
I suppose I just need to keep on keeping on, and before too long I will be flying back to New York.
To a job I don’t miss, and to a life without Tyler in it.
I sigh, because it doesn’t feel like a lot to look forward to.
I will miss this spectacular view. I will miss the village and all its eccentric locals.
I will miss Dad. I will miss Liam, and his entire family.
I’m not at all sure I’m ready to plunge back into life in New York, a city where you can be surrounded by millions of other people and still feel lonely.
I hear the crunch of footsteps behind me, and the slightest scent of his cologne. I know it is Liam before he appears, looking down at me with concern. Maybe I summoned him.
‘You’re shivering,’ he says, slipping off his jacket and tucking it around my shoulders.
‘Am I?’ I murmur, as he sits on the bench. He leans into me, and I stare at his jean-clad thighs pressed close. ‘I barely noticed.’
‘That’s because you’ve been numbed by cold. Your lips are probably blue.’
‘Well, that’s a hot look if you’re a Smurf. How’s things going in there?’
‘Like a scene from the feasting halls of Valhalla, with more ale and swearing. There are going to be some sore heads tomorrow.’
‘Not yours?’ I ask, glancing up at him. His cheekbones are bathed in moonlight, his hair thick and dark. A small smile on his lips as he turns to face me.
‘No, I’ve been sensible. Alex and Alice will show no mercy tomorrow morning.
It’s the first Christmas we’ve spent at Rosings, so I want it to be as perfect as it can be.
The added value will come from them running into Bella’s room and jumping on her bed at six am – she’s been sneaking booze all night. It’s like she thinks she’s invisible.’
I laugh. We were exactly the same.
‘Are you all right?’ he asks. ‘Apart from the cold. I saw… Well, I saw you with a man. He had a suitcase, and did indeed look a bit like Clark Kent, just like you said. And now you’re out here on your own, and you look like Sad Smurf.’
‘I am sad,’ I reply, snug in his big jacket, only now realising how chilled I was. ‘I… I ended it, with Tyler. It was the right thing to do, but right doesn’t always feel good, does it?’
He slips his arm around me and squeezes me into his side.
My heart beats a little faster at the proximity, and I wonder if he feels that too?
Or is this all completely platonic for him?
Just two old friends, helping each other over life’s roadbumps?
I am past clinging to that idea now. My feelings for this man left friendship behind some time ago.
I can’t lie to myself about that now – but I can lie to him, if that’s what I need to do.
He drops a kiss on top of my head. ‘No. No it doesn’t. Why did you finish it, Ellie?’
‘He wanted more than I can give him. I like him, a lot, but I was never going to be in love with him. I wanted to set him free, and I know it was for the best, but it still feels like crap. I still feel miserable. That will pass, hopefully for him too. It was the right thing.’
I repeat those last few words again in my mind, feeling the truth of them – but also feeling the loss.
I let my head fall against Liam’s shoulder, feeling the solid bulk of him, the reassuring warmth of his arm around me.
Liam has always been a safe harbour – but he is also at the centre of some of my turmoil.
‘I’m sure it was,’ he says, wiping tears from beneath my eyes. ‘And it will get better. I wasn’t sure if it was… because of me? Because of us? Which I realise makes me sound like the world’s most arrogant asshole, but there you go. Maybe that’s what I am.’
I tense slightly, and have no idea how to answer him. Dismiss his comment? Make a joke? Tell the truth? I’m too tired for any of it. I’m physically and emotionally wrung out.
‘You’re not arrogant, Liam. You never were. And I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know what?’
‘Anything! But specifically, I don’t know if you were on my mind when I ended it. It was having these moments of ours that made me realise what I had to do, but it’s not like I’ve finished with Tyler in the hopes of something happening between me and you. So you’re off the hook.’
I pull away from him, and look him in the eyes. God, he is beautiful – but he also clearly troubled.
‘What?’ I ask. ‘You don’t believe me? Maybe you are arrogant then!’
‘Don’t be pissed off with me, Ellie. I’m as freaked out by all this as you are, and I’ve been honest with you – I’m not ready for anything more. Having you back in my life has been a blessing, but I can’t… I can’t give you more, just like you couldn’t with Tyler.’
I stand up, and tug off his jacket. I am suddenly really mad. I’ve worked all night, I’ve had a big drama with a man who I never wanted to hurt, and now I am basically being rejected in advance by a man who is allegedly a friend. Happy bloody Christmas, Ellie de Vere.
I sling the jacket at him in a display of temper that I haven’t felt for years. I ignore the slap of cold air on my bare arms, and glare at him.
‘Liam, I never asked you for anything more! I never expected anything more! Why don’t you just… get over yourself and feck off!’
I turn on my heel and storm away, the sad tears I was shedding earlier morphing into angry ones instead. I have one hundred per cent had it with this night. I never want anything to do with a man ever again. Who the hell does he think he is?
‘Ellie, wait!’ he shouts as I run across the snow-covered grass, desperate to get away from him. Desperate to be alone, to be able to indulge my misery and my fury in the privacy of my own room.
Why am I so upset? He has always been honest. Maybe it’s because I was secretly, in a tiny hidden corner of my foolish heart, hoping for more.
I did not part ways with Tyler for Liam, at least not rationally – but having him tread all over dreams I didn’t even know I had is the final straw.
I feel crushed, made entirely of fatigue.
I speed up to escape him, and I’ve almost made it to the door of the inn when he grabs hold of my hand.
He spins me around, and I stare up at him, the tears running freely now.
He pulls me into his arms, holding me so close I can feel his heart thudding against mine.
I gasp as he presses me against the wall, his body trapping me there.
His eyes are on mine, gold and hazel, and his hands come up to cradle my face.
‘Don’t cry, Ellie, please,’ he says, his breath warm, his voice low and rasping. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing around you. I’m a mess. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wanting to kiss you…’
My palms are flat against his chest, my pulse racing, all conscious thought chased from my mind by this intimacy. By the delicious pressure of his body close against mine.
‘Then do it, Liam,’ I murmur. ‘Kiss me.’
His lips come down over mine, and his hands twine into my hair, and I forget who I am or where I am or why I am.
All I know is this kiss, the one I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for.
There is no hesitancy, no awkwardness, no doubt – just passion and need and the overwhelming urge to cling on to him and never let go.
My fingers find their way up to his shoulders, and my back is crushed against the wall as the kiss intensifies.
He is suddenly everywhere: his lips, his hands, his sheer overwhelming presence.
I melt into him, and for the first time in my life my knees actually go weak.
His arm reaches around my waist, holding me upright and pulling me even closer.
We might have kissed for seconds. We might have kissed for hours.
By the time we finally come up for air, we are both breathless, and I have lost all track of time.
I keep my grip on his shoulders, not trusting my own legs just yet.
He leans his forehead down so it rests against mine, and I feel him shaking slightly.
I realise with a grin that he is actually laughing.
I can’t help but join in, and we stand there, physically joined, both lost in the moment.
‘Well,’ he finally says. ‘That was…’
‘Better than the last time?’ I suggest. He pulls his face away from mine, and smooths my hair back from my face. I twist my head to kiss the skin of his palm, and his pupils dilate in response. Yeah, I think. Definitely better than last time.
We are still wrapped around each other when the door to the inn bursts open, and a pile of people spill out in a cloud of noise and light. Before we can edge apart, we are surrounded by a small tribe of Byrnes.
Cara stares at us, bundled up in a faux fur coat, and breaks into a grin. ‘About bloody time, you two eejits!’ she announces. Brian walks past, giving his son a solid pat on the back, and his brothers follow suit. Bella takes one look at us and shakes her head.
‘Disgusting,’ she says, her voice slightly slurred but no signs of distress on her face. ‘Kids today!’
I’m embarrassed but also can’t stop laughing. I look up at Liam, who still has his arms around me, as though he doesn’t want to let go either. He grins and gives me a quick kiss on the lips.
Cara, who hasn’t been drinking, gets all the instruments loaded into her car, as well as her dad and Bella. The rest set off on the walk back up the hill to Rosings, singing and joking as they go.
‘I don’t want to leave, but I have to,’ Liam says, his fingers tracing delicious circles on the skin at the side of my neck. Even the slightest of touches makes me tremble.
‘I know,’ I reply, leaning into him one last time. ‘It’s Christmas Eve. Go be with your kids.’
He reluctantly pulls away from me, and I feel the loss of our closeness. ‘See you tomorrow?’ he asks. I nod and promise that he will.
I watch him walk away with a heart crammed full of feelings, and a body that is still feeling way too hot for a snowy night in December.
He stops and turns around, gives me a final, butterfly-inducing smile, and disappears into the night.