Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
I wake up not only without an alarm the next morning, but also without a sore head. I finished the bottle, but there were only a couple of glasses left in there. Not enough to do any real damage.
I roll over in my single bed, knowing it’s going to be freezing cold once I’m out. As I do, I find the letter, tucked under my pillow. Again, not conventional, but it worked for me last year. I pick it up, and read it aloud. It doesn’t take long, because there is only one request.
‘Dear Santa, please make me more Frodo. I don’t need to be fearless. I need to be brave.’
I smile at the words, and still mean every one of them. It’s okay to be scared of things, and to be afraid of life kicking you, as my mum put it. But cowering? No. I won’t do that. I will feel the fear, and… play basketball. As the old saying doesn’t go.
I clamber out of the covers, dragging the duvet over my shoulders for the time being.
I plug in the old machine, and am delighted when it lights up with a red neon display.
Why haven’t I done this before? What kind of joyless creature shares a room with a mystery basketball machine and never shoots some hoops?
I spend a fun ten minutes trying to beat my record of two in a row, and then turn it off again. So. That was that.
I get dressed quickly, and check my phone.
It feels like a slap to the heart when there is still nothing there from Liam, but I grit my emotional teeth and take it.
I have no idea what is going on now, and that isn’t really good enough.
If he has changed his mind, then I will have to deal with it – but I can’t carry on in this will-we-won’t-we limbo.
It isn’t fair to me, and as I seem to spend a lot of time trying to be fair to other people, maybe I should cut myself the same slack.
I make myself a slice of toast and a coffee, then grab my jacket and the car keys.
It’s time to take Queen Mildred out for a spin.
If I don’t do this now, I won’t do it at all.
I will have yet another day of waiting around, feeling like an extra in my own life.
Waiting for somebody else to tell me what happens next.
It’s raining outside, a fine grey drizzle that soaks everything within seconds, and the snow is turning to mush underfoot. I scoot quickly into Mildred’s comfy surroundings, and off we go – out of the village, up the hill. Past Bernadette and Brian’s new house. All the way to Rosings.
When I pull up outside, Mildred’s wheels crunching on gravel, I see that I am not the only one taking action this morning.
Rosings is quite the hive of activity. Liam’s jeep has its back open, and a big black roof box attached to the top.
He is currently stacking a big suitcase into it.
The twins are wrapped up in raincoats and wellies, chasing Ralph around through puddles, and Bella is lurking in the doorway of the house, glaring at the world in general and Liam in particular.
I take a deep breath and get out of the car. I ignore the fact that it feels like I’ve been hit by a sledgehammer, and find a smile for Alice and Alex as they run over to greet me. Ralph does the same, but luckily he’s the only one who sniffs my bum.
‘Off on an adventure?’ I ask, my eyes darting from the suitcase and back to them. Liam’s face is set in stone, dark marks under his eyes from a sleepless night, his hair unruly in the drizzle.
‘Yes! Daddy’s taking us to the big toy shop in London, and then we’re back to home in Dublin,’ Alice announces very seriously.
‘I’m going to write to you, though, I promise, so don’t be sad.
’ She is such a sweet girl, and her tiny hand in mine, her words of consolation, are almost enough to make me cry.
‘That would be wonderful,’ I reply just as seriously. ‘I never get proper letters anymore!’
They both give me a hug, then Bella stalks over to us. Her hair is bundled up beneath a beanie hat, and her expression is thunderous.
‘Come on, Alice, Alex,’ she says. ‘Let’s walk down to see Nanny and Granddad with Ralph.’
The kids squeal in excitement, and she turns to me. ‘Thanks, Ellie. For being cool. And for the Nirvana T-shirt.’
‘I never said you could keep that,’ I point out, grinning.
‘Possession, law, tenths. Deal with it. I hope I see you again some time.’
Without a word to Liam, she turns on her heel and sets off down the hill with her siblings and the dog. If I could see auras, I think hers would be entirely black right now, maybe with a crackle of red.
I look at Liam, who is fastening up the roof box. He is soaked now, his T-shirt plastered against his body in a way I really don’t want to notice but do anyway.
‘You want to come inside?’ he asks. No, I think. I want to run all the way down this hill, and away from you. Away from whatever it is you’re about to say to me. Away from this kick that I just know life is about to aim at me.
I nod and follow him through. The place has obviously been cleared out of the detritus of everyday life.
The coat stand is empty, the curtains closed, and inside the big room, Christmas decorations are packed in boxes, the huge tree standing bare and forlorn in the corner.
I tear my eyes away from it, and we walk into the kitchen.
It’s the same in here – counters cleaned, plugs switched off. Everything shut down.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t offer you anything with milk in it,’ he says, picking up the kettle and going to fill it. ‘The fridge is empty.’
He doesn’t meet my eyes as he goes about his business, and I can tell he is using it to buy himself time. He is as switched off as the plugs, as closed as the curtains. How have we gone from that kiss, that promise, that potential, to this?
‘I don’t want a coffee, Liam. I want… some honesty, maybe? You’re leaving?’
He leans back against the counter, and nods wearily. ‘Yes. Today.’
‘Right. And you weren’t going to tell me? Or even say goodbye?’
‘I was going to message you later, when we were in London.’
That, I decide there and then, is not something that sits well with me. If I hadn’t come here, he would have simply disappeared from my life with no explanation.
‘That,’ I say quietly, caught somewhere between angry and sad, ‘is a shitty thing to do, Liam.’
His nostrils flare slightly, and he rubs his face with his hands. He looks and sounds exhausted, and a flash of sympathy worms its way into me.
‘I know it is, and I’m sorry. I’m a coward. I knew that if I saw you, I might change my mind.’
‘About what?’
‘About everything. I can’t do this, Ellie. That kiss… that was a mistake.’
It hurts to hear him say that, and it is a hurt that is horribly familiar.
This is not the first time that Liam Byrne has rejected me.
Not the first time that he has pushed me away.
I have a flashback to being sixteen, standing before him begging his forgiveness.
Him staring up at me from the couch, shaking his head and telling me to go.
Telling me to leave him alone. Telling me that he didn’t want me.
I am not sixteen anymore, but I feel the same sharp tang of that pain. All my confidence comes crashing down around me, and I am suddenly an insecure teenager again, feeling unwanted and unloved. I gulp back the sob that wants to escape, and blink away tears that I will not allow to spill.
That kiss was a mistake, he says. That kiss that I have thought about endlessly since. The one that I now realise showed me for sure that Liam Byrne is not just a friend, and will never be just a friend. Liam is the man I am in love with.
The irony of realising this now, as he tells me it is all finished before it even began, is not lost on me.
I search his eyes, seeing the regret that lies in them, but also seeing his determination.
I would not be able to talk him out of leaving even if I wanted to, even if I was willing to abandon my pride.
No matter how brave or fearless I become, I will lose – because Liam has made his mind up.
This is over.
I nod at him, once, before I leave.
‘Okay,’ I say simply. ‘I’ll… see you after the next twenty years, then.’