Chapter Thirteen Ryan
“Holy shit.”
I thought I’d drag myself into work and bury the pain from last night in emails and task lists.
Instead, it’s like Christmas threw up all over my desk.
“What is all this?” I ask as I touch the snowman bobblehead near my computer monitor, making its head bounce around. There are even tiny string lights adorning the edge of my monitor.
Emma steps up to my side with a shy look on her face. “I know it’s kind of silly, but your desk was the only one without any Christmas decorations. I figured a little holiday spirit could cheer you up after… last night.”
Oh, right. When I stormed out after my mom ruined my night. Given her track record, I shouldn’t be surprised.
My bitterness fades a little as Emma smiles at me with hope in those big, beautiful eyes of hers.
Damn it. How can I be pissed off when she’s looking at me like that?
When she obviously arrived early this morning to drape garland along the outside of my desk and set up a mini Christmas tree with ornaments?
“Thanks, beautiful,” I murmur before I can stop myself. The word slips out like a truth I’ve been sitting on for too long.
Even when I’m upset, I don’t ever want her to think that I’m not approachable. For her.
Relief washes over her face as she moves to me without hesitation, burying herself in my arms as I hug her tightly. She thinks about me more than my own family.
But if I’m honest, if Ethan and Andrew were here right now, the only family that matters to me would be right here in this office.
“Are you okay, man? You worried us last night,” Max asks me as he pulls up his rolling chair and takes a seat.
Josh does the same, his brow furrowing with concern as he waits for an answer.
I release Emma with a faint sigh, my hand gliding down her arm so that I can briefly squeeze hers. Holding her in my arms a little longer would make me feel even better, but I should be striving for less contact between us.
Even if that sounds like hell.
“My mom called me,” I admit as my eyes shift to each of them, disappointment settling on my shoulders like sacks of bricks.
I’ve carried this weight for too damn long, and I wish that I could get it the hell off me before it crushes me.
“You guys know that my relationship with my parents is…strained.”
“I’ve barely heard you talk about them,” Emma says, remaining by my side.
I shake my head as my gaze sinks to the floor.
The thought of talking about them makes my throat want to close up.
“Well, what happened last night is pretty indicative of what my childhood was like. I don’t know why, but I was going to make an effort this year and see if they wanted to do something for Christmas with me. As a family.”
Josh frowns and rubs the back of his neck. He probably understands more than the others about my issue with my parents. He has a shitty family too.
“I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I guess having you back home inspired me to try and fix things,” I say as I glance at Emma. “But my mom called to tell me that they’ve already made plans for Christmas. Without me. They don’t want to spend the holidays with their own son.”
Emma’s shoulders sink. “Are they going on a trip? Can’t they just include you?”
A bitter laugh leaves me. “No, they’re spending Christmas in the city. They just don’t want to include me. She actually said she forgot to invite me. Like I’m some random coworker, not her damn son.”
Josh scoffs. “Almost sounds like my parents. Except mine wouldn’t even call. I haven’t talked to them in years.”
Max and Emma share a sad look with each other, one of sympathy for Josh and me. They have good parents, even if Emma has complaints about hers. They still care about her and want to be around her.
“It fucking hurt,” I admit, my voice threatening to waver.
“They’ve always been so closed off emotionally.
They never told me that they were proud of me.
I don’t remember the last time that my mom told me that she loved me.
When she did, I don’t even think that she meant it.
I just feel like… a burden. The kid they didn’t want but got stuck with. ”
Emma places her hand on my arm as she moves closer to me. “I’m sorry. That’s terrible of them to treat you that way. You didn’t deserve that.”
“You’re right,” I say as our eyes lock. “I don’t deserve how they treat me, but it still stings. I hate it.”
“You took a risk and put your heart out there,” Max speaks up. “You tried to be the bigger person, and it didn’t pan out. You gotta give yourself some grace.”
If I could talk to the younger version of myself, I would tell him not to let his parents’ dismissiveness and coldness crush him on the outside. I would tell him not to believe the lies or cut himself off from those around him.
I would give him whatever advice I could to protect that damaged heart of his.
“He’s right,” Emma says. “You tried, despite how much they’ve hurt you. That says a lot about you.”
That says that I’m a damn fool for thinking my parents would choose me over anything else for once.
But instead of complaining and drowning in my sorrows, I hug her again, cradling the back of her head as she presses her face into my white button-down shirt. “Thank you. I like what you’ve done to my desk.”
Emma tilts her head back to cock an eyebrow at me. “Are you being honest or just trying to be nice?”
I smirk at the guys over her head. She truly doesn’t know how much she’s come to mean to all of us. Just her presence in this office with her daily Christmas-themed clothes gives me plenty of holiday spirit.
“I wouldn’t lie to you, Em,” I assure her.
Emma draws back and gives me a soft look, almost too quick to notice, before she points at each of us. “Remember, my parents will want you all over for Christmas. No one has to spend the holiday alone.”
Josh perks up. “Just like old times.”
Emma’s parents always kept an open door for the three of us, whether we wanted to celebrate a holiday, eat dinner, or spend the night. We’re like their extra children.
I always tell them “thank you” when I leave, but that never feels like enough to properly express just how much their kindness means to me. It’s so much more than what my family bothers to give me, even during the holidays.
“I’ll be there,” I say.
“Yep, bright and early for your mom’s killer Christmas breakfast,” Josh quips.
“Is your dad doing a ham for Christmas?” Max asks her with a hopeful look.
“Last year, he gave me a stacked plate of leftover ham. I ate on it for three days,” I tell him, laughter breaking from the four of us.
Emma rubs the back of my shoulder, drawing my eyes to her soft ones that promise so much comfort. “It’ll be a good Christmas. You’ll have all of us.”
“Poor bastard,” Josh says, his voice shaking with laughter.
I crack an amused grin and shake my head, lowering my eyes to the ground as a surge of warmth fills my chest. They’re the best friends I could’ve ever hoped to have, and Emma… she’s an angel through and through.
Vulnerable words build in my throat, but I force them down and clasp my hands together, ending a moment too intense for me to handle. “All right, let’s get to work so that we can actually enjoy the holiday.”
“Yes, sir,” Emma quips playfully, shooting a smile at me over her shoulder as she strides away.
I breathe out slowly, fighting the urge to pull her back to me. To show her how grateful I am for her since I can’t get the words out.
But I let her go and just admire her from afar.
That’s as far as I should go. But with every look, every touch... I’m starting to care less about what I should do and more about what I want.