Chapter Thirty-Six Ryan
My heart threatens to pound its way out of my chest as I take the elevator up to SyncUp’s office loft.
Emma and the guys are waiting for me, wanting answers and explanations for where I’ve been for the past few days and why I left after Emma dropped the biggest news we’ve ever heard on our heads.
Tension winds around my throat, squeezing tighter as the elevator flies past the lower and middle floors. The words that I should say slip from my mind like water through my fingers. Honestly, I know how I feel, but I don’t know how to put it into words.
Not clearly or concisely anyway.
A jumbled mess is going to pour out of my mouth and make things even worse.
I can’t even blame Emma if she never forgives me for my reaction.
The elevator doors slide open, and I step out onto the quiet floor, only hearing faint murmuring.
Josh and Max pause their conversation and turn to me, looking a mixture of tense and relieved. I guess they thought that I wouldn’t show up, despite me arranging this meeting.
“Where’s Emma?” I question them as I glance around, not seeing any sign of her.
“Waiting for you in the conference room. She wants to talk to you alone first,” Josh replies.
“I’m glad you came.” Guilt gnaws at me, but relief floods in too.
I half expected Max to punch me in the face.
Maybe I deserve it. But all I see in his eyes is relief, and somehow that makes it worse. It’d be easier if they hated me.
Max nods in agreement. “She really needs to talk to you.”
Because she didn’t get a chance before. That’s on me.
I don’t say anything else to them, figuring they’ll give their own opinions later. Right now, Emma is the only one who matters.
I pause in front of the cracked door for a second, picturing her sitting inside. Is she sad? Angry? Both?
I squeeze my hand into a fist, steadying myself before finally stepping into the conference room and shutting the door behind me.
Emma sits on the far side of the table from me, nervousness haunting her face. She offers me a hopeful smile. “I’m really glad you called, Ryan.”
I almost want her to be mad. I deserve to be yelled at for what I did to her. I don’t deserve the kindness that she’s showing me despite how much I worried her. How is she not furious?
I take a seat across from her, giving her some space in case she needs it. She must be a little hurt. “I shouldn’t have ran off that day. It wasn’t right of me to abandon you when you needed us.”
“You just needed some air,” Emma insists.
I shake my head. “It’s no excuse. I should’ve at least come right back.”
Emma chews on her bottom lip for a moment as she gazes at the table. “Why didn’t you come back? Why haven’t I heard from you for days?”
Because I’m a damn coward. That’s the bottom line, but she deserves more than that. She deserves so much more than what I’ve given her.
“I had to process things on my own,” I tell her as I rest my hands together on the table, fidgeting with my watch.
“I haven’t really given it much thought of what being a dad would be like.
Having a family wasn’t even really on my radar.
I’ve been so focused on the pain that my own parents put me through. ”
Emma’s face softens as she nods.
“I didn’t even really know what being a good dad meant.
What that even looked like. I was scared that I would be just like my own dad and ruin our kid,” I say as my throat grows tight once more .
“I panicked. I thought the baby would be better off being raised by you and the others. I thought I would just mess up and ruin everything.”
Emma shakes her head. “You wouldn’t.”
“You’re right. I won’t,” I tell her as our eyes lock. “I don’t care who the father is. The baby you’re carrying is mine too because you mean the world to me.”
Awe fills her eyes. Or maybe that’s tears.
“It took me this long to reach out because I wanted to be sure that I was ready for this,” I say. “This changes everything, and I’m going to be prepared. I won’t be like my dad.”
Emma smiles in relief and holds her hand out to me across the table.
I take hold of it and brush my thumb over her knuckles. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere again.”
Emma sniffles a little and nods before fanning her eyes with her free hand. “Stupid hormones.”
I crack a small grin. “Nah, you’ve always been a crier.”
Emma scoffs at me and swats my hand. “Liar.”
She knows that I’m not.
“There’s something that I want to talk to you guys about. Can you get the others?” Emma asks as her expression splits between seriousness and nervousness.
That makes me a little wary myself, but I nod and poke my head out of the room to call the guys over. By the time that I take my seat again, they enter the room and sit on either side of me.
“Everything okay?” Josh asks as he looks between us.
I nod to him. “Yeah, things are good.”
Max glances over at Emma, frowning a little at her anxious expression. “What is it, Em?”
Emma breathes in deeply before looking at the three of us, her eyes sweeping back and forth. “I’m really happy you guys are on board with raising the baby together, but… I don’t just want to be co-parents with you guys.”
My heartbeat speeds up a notch.
“I care about all of you—so much that it hurts when I try to imagine choosing between you. I can’t imagine raising a baby with you while pretending I don’t love you too.
All of you. Not just sex or raising a child together,” Emma explains, her voice threatening to waver from nervousness.
“I want a relationship, and I know that’s asking a lot.
I feel selfish even saying this, but I don’t want to choose between the three of you. I can’t.”
“You don’t have to,” I tell her, coaxing agreeing nods from the others.
“Why would we make you?” Josh adds.
Emma blinks at us in surprise. “I’d be asking you to share me. That doesn’t bother any of you?”
“We’re not carving you up like pie,” Max replies with a small gleam of amusement in his eyes. “We all get to have you. All of you. Your humor. Your beauty. Your intelligence.”
“Your stubbornness,” I add, making Josh and Max chuckle.
“I’d rather share you than lose you,” Josh assures me.
“And that doesn’t mean we’re settling,” Max tells Emma. “It just means we’re not threatened by each other.”
Emma still looks like we’re messing with her. “I don’t want to cause a divide between you guys. You’ve been friends forever.”
“That’s exactly why we can do this,” I reply before glancing at Josh and Max. “I trust them. They’re not going to hurt you. They’re only going to care for you, and that’s all I want. Your happiness. Your wellbeing.”
Emma blinks her eyes rapidly with a soft laugh. “I can’t believe this. Really?”
“What better setup?” Josh points out with a grin on his face. “We’re dating and preparing for our baby. I just feel bad that you have to deal with all of us.”
Laughter sounds around the table as I smirk and shake my head.
Emma wipes her tears away before they can fall. “There’s going to be a lot of fighting over baby names.”
“I already have some ideas, and they’re way better than anything you guys will come up with,” Max says with sheer confidence.
“You named your childhood cat Tom. I’m not trusting you with naming anything,” I tell him.
“What? Like Tom and Jerry. It was my favorite show!” Max defends himself.
“I think we’re getting off track, you two,” Josh tells us as he pushes at my shoulder to get me and Max to stop arguing.
A warm look settles on Emma’s face as she gazes at us. Seeing her more relaxed makes me feel much better, even if a serious topic still looms over our heads.
I hate to ruin this moment, but we should really talk about it.
“What are we going to do about our families?” I ask them, making the room fall silent.
Emma frowns and shakes her head. “I don’t know. I’m not ready to say anything yet. I just found out that I was pregnant.”
“And we just agreed to give dating a go,” Max adds.
“It would be a lot too soon if we told them immediately,” Josh says with concern in his eyes. “I don’t think we should push it just yet.”
“And you don’t need the stress of that right now,” I tell Emma. “We’ll just keep this between us until we feel like we’re ready.”
Emma’s shoulders relax. “You guys are okay with waiting?”
We all nod. Honestly, I don’t think any of us are rushing to tell anyone the truth. That’ll pop the little bubble we’re in, and I’d like to stay inside of it for at least a little while so that we can enjoy the news of being parents.
“However long you need,” I say as I give her a comforting smile.
Emma stands from her seat and walks around to our side of the table, reaching out to hug each of us. When she reaches me, she winds her arms around my neck, her cheek pressing against mine. “I thought I lost you.”
My hands roam up and down her back as I hold her close. “You’ll never lose me. I promise.”
Emma’s lips graze my cheek as she draws away from me to hug Max.
I smile to myself, feeling weight lift off my shoulders. I was so afraid of taking the dive into parenthood, but I’m not doing it alone. I’m doing it with the people who mean the most to me.
My real family.