Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
I had an appalling night’s sleep that night; I went through phases of sleeping very heavily, then waking suddenly, only to thrash uncomfortably for a while before dropping off again. When I woke in the morning, I felt sick, groggy and tearful, and my appearance in the mirror only made me feel worse. There were dark shadows smudged under my eyes, and my skin looked dull and heavy.
‘Thank goodness for no doggy judgement,’ I said to Runcible, who looked at me as lovingly as ever as I pulled on some comfortable clothes, popped her in a warm fleecy jumper and dug out my sunglasses. The day was grey and overcast, but I would need them to prevent my face from frightening any innocent folk I might meet. ‘Come on, we’re going to Meg’s café for some breakfast.’
Opening my bedroom door, I could feel how quiet the house was, and guessed that no one, except for Coco maybe, was up. I tiptoed downstairs and slipped out of the front door, then marched off down the drive with a mixture of triumph and relief. It was cowardly to hide away like this, but after my hectic trip to London followed by the confusing and lukewarm reception I had, deservedly, received back here in Yorkshire, a solitary breakfast seemed to be in order. A brisk walk to the village in the freezing morning air would perk me up and hopefully bring some colour to my ashen cheeks. I passed The Keeper’s Arms, quiet now after its busy night, and thought I might as well pop in and book Sam’s room. Maybe I should book one for myself at the same time? I didn’t know if I was still welcome at Blakeney Hall, or if I even wanted to stay there any longer. I decided against it, for now, and advanced to Meg’s café, my stomach rumbling.
‘Good morning, Fallon,’ she said, smiling her wide smile. ‘Take a seat. What can I get you? Same as before?’
Remembering the delicious, cooked breakfast, I nodded.
‘Yes, please. It was perfect.’
I took the same seat as I had previously, although the rest of the café was empty, and gazed out of the window, losing myself in my drifting thoughts, then jumping slightly when Meg came over with a tray bearing a brimming plate, teapot, mug and a bowl of water and some biscuits for Runcible.
‘Thank you,’ I said, putting them on the floor under the table. ‘That’s so kind.’
‘Dear little mite, couldn’t let her go hungry. Now you shout if you need anything else.’
I set to my breakfast with a vigour I didn’t know I had in me that desolate morning, and I was soon feeling stronger and more cheerful. I still had that horrible dragging sense of exhaustion, but at least my spirits were lifting. As I sipped the fabulously strong tea, I took out my phone, which I had put on silent, and looked at my messages. There was one from Alexander, which I opened immediately, so as not to draw out the suspense.
Hi, thought I’d see you at breakfast this morning. T went looking for Runcible and I guess you’d both gone out. I’m ready to get those ads finalised if you are?
I drummed my fingers on the table. Men are so annoying . What was I supposed to glean from that message, other than, well, that he was ready to do the ads? I sighed. I’d better just treat it like any other job.
Popped out for some air and breakfast. Back in twenty minutes. See you then.
And that would have to do.
As I walked through the gate at the bottom of the drive, I saw Douglas driving off with Theo: going to the sanctuary, I assumed. I gave them a wave and a cheerful smile, glad that I still had my sunglasses on. Surely, they would conceal my true feelings: sad, resigned and disappointed in myself. I slipped in the front door, hoping my mother wasn’t anywhere nearby to tell me how awful I looked, and started walking through to Alexander’s office. I knew I had to pretend I was fine with our fledgling relationship being over and prepared myself to say that, making it clear we could continue to work together with no hard feelings. Tears welled up in my eyes just at the thought of uttering those words to the man I had so quickly come to like, admire and – let’s face it – fancy like crazy, but I was sure I was doing the right thing. What good was I to him? A hopeless prospect as a wife and mother – even though he had made it clear he was looking for neither – and a workaholic. Not to mention scruffy, especially next to the luminous Annabel. No, any further entanglement with Alexander was bound to bring pain and disappointment all round.
I pushed open the office door and caught my breath for a moment when he looked up at me and gave his gentle smile. Even in the dull wintry light, his good looks were undeniable, and a little voice in my head suggested I hold those thoughts of quitting, at least for a while. His smile broadened as I stood there.
‘Bit too bright for you, is it?’ he asked.
‘What?’
‘The sunglasses?’
‘Oh!’ I had forgotten I was wearing them and quickly pulled them off. ‘Sorry, I’m a bit tired today.’
‘Would you like a coffee? I brought the jug in.’
‘Yes, please. Don’t tell Mum, though, she made me promise to stick to those herbal teas, but they make me feel less radiant than ever.’
He laughed.
‘You don’t need them. Here you go.’
He handed me the coffee, which I took gratefully, then we got to working on the finals for the ads that were going in the local press. The work absorbed me, and mitigated the agony I was feeling as Alexander and I worked. I could smell his nutmeggy cologne, and every time our eyes met, I longed to keep gazing at him, be kissed by him again. But instead, I looked away resolutely, back to the project, and fiercely pushed aside my feelings with firm reminders of reality.
As we finished up and sent off the ads, I could see that Alexander was fiddling unnecessarily with the bits and pieces on his desk, so I waited – what was he working up to? My patience was rewarded.
‘Look, Fallon, I just wanted to say that I know Annabel was being a bit…tricky last night. She’s very confident in her beliefs about what is best for Theo and me…’
I was surprised by this apology, given how chilly he had been with me last night.
‘That’s one way of putting it.’
‘Quite. Her heart is in the right place, I think, but she is rather…’
‘Pushy?’
He grinned.
‘I was going to say “persistent”, but you’ve got a point. Anyway, it looked like she was getting to you a bit and I overheard the last bit of it. I just didn’t want you to – well – pay any attention to her.’
I nodded. ‘I’ve come across a few Annabels in my time, but she is unusually direct. She’s very determined, isn’t she?’
‘I can’t understand why, though. I mean, Holly left me when I had my accident and made it very clear that I was damaged goods. Our marriage was already struggling because I didn’t want to do the whole social round. Annabel’s already made it clear that she doesn’t think much of the new business; she actually asked me if artisanal gin was legal as if I was sitting on the side of the bath with a wooden paddle. When I assured her it was totally legit, she raised an eyebrow and said, “Wouldn’t whisky have more cachet?”’
I laughed. ‘Maybe she doesn’t think you’re quite such a good ‘cachet’, after all.’
‘Ha. If only. But I can’t understand her, what she thinks I have to offer. Unless it’s just being lady of the manor and hoping to mould me into something better, given time.’
He looked bewildered and I longed to reach out to him and explain in detail just exactly what I thought was so appealing about him. I swallowed.
‘That stuff – the new business and your hand and the parties – doesn’t matter, does it? I think she sees what a kind and hard-working man you are. And what a good father. Some women go crazy for that.’
‘Some women?’
I paused. I had given myself the opening I had wanted, without meaning to.
‘Yes. Some women. I’m not fussy when it comes to gin or whisky.’
He reached out his hand to touch mine.
‘Look, I’m sorry that I was a bit snippy about you being back in time yesterday. I know you did your best. I get worried for Theo, and I overreacted.’
I moved my hand away.
‘No, you were right. I cut it too fine, and I didn’t have to. I could have been back with proper time to spare, even accounting for the vagaries of the train companies. I was too caught up in work and I left late. Although the good news is that Sam is coming up to help with the engagement party.’
He nodded, barely seeming to have heard me.
‘Can we forget about the Nativity, Fallon? It all ended well, so we can take it from here, surely?’
My heart leaped and my first thought was to agree…then I thought of how unsure everything had been and how worried I had felt, so much so that I had barely slept. Pushing back tears, I shook my head slowly.
‘I don’t think so. I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying my time here, how I love Theo and, well, how happy I was when things changed with you.’ I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to hold back the emotion. ‘But I saw the pain and the worry I caused just with that one incident. Alexander, I’m not cut out for this. Hey, I’m Jacqueline’s daughter, after all!’ I gave a sort of strangulated and mirthless laugh. ‘I think I’m better on the periphery. You two are doing just fine without me.’
Alexander looked at me, confusion in his eyes.
‘We are. But – it was beginning to feel better with you.’
I looked miserably at my hands then back up at him.
‘And you,’ I whispered. ‘But people don’t change that much – enough. I can’t risk it, Alexander, hurting you both.’
I stood up quickly and left the room, not wanting him to see the tears in my eyes and to see that I wasn’t certain I was making the right decision, not at all.