Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
When I left Alexander, the only thing I could do in that moment was to get out on the moors again. I had found them so healing over the time I had been at Blakeney Hall, even if that was partly down to the cold shock therapy you experienced every time you stepped outside. I grabbed my coat and almost ran back to the kitchen, hoping to avoid seeing anyone, but the house seemed deserted. Runcible had curled up in her favourite warm spot near the Aga, nestled in one of Theo’s jumpers that he had left downstairs and now didn’t have the heart to claim back from her. She blinked up at me sleepily.
‘Don’t worry, darling,’ I said, my voice shaky. ‘You stay put – you look so happy there.’
I pushed open the back door and started to tread the familiar path across the garden. At the bottom, I decided to turn right and go and visit Heathcliff. There he was, chewing comfortingly on some hay. I clicked to him, and he came wandering over for me to scratch his head and stroke his silky ears.
‘Hello, boy,’ I said. ‘Getting over your star turn last night? I’m surprised Jacqueline hasn’t had words about you stealing her limelight. Or maybe she’s getting used to a few celebs being in the house and she’ll be inviting you to a joint colonic soon.’
I babbled away at him in this manner for a few more minutes before he removed himself back to his hay and I took my cue to leave. I was on the moor in a matter of minutes and took a route straight across, with the house behind me, so that I was confident I wouldn’t get lost. As I had hoped, the brisk weather and brisk walking improved my spirits, and although I can’t say I was feeling exactly cheerful by the time I turned to go back to the house, at least I was feeling less inclined to go down the whole wailing and calling ‘Heathcliff!’ route. It would only get me a donkey around here anyway. A little lump of sadness had lodged itself deep in my throat, but I was sure now that I had made a good decision for everyone’s sake. Mum had always emphasised the importance of believing in your own choices and sticking to them, and although that sometimes made her come across as brutal, or inflexible, it was good to lean on it now. She had always pushed forward, leaving behind the things and people that hindered her or made her uncomfortable, and look how successful she had been, without regrets.
Lunch that day was a little subdued and Alexander and I avoided each other’s eye, both engrossing ourselves in conversations with the people next to us, in his case Coco, in mine Constance. Both were polite enough not to appear surprised at our sudden passionate curiosity about their lives. I was just running out of questions to ask about archaeology in Belize – probably a considerable relief to both of us – when she grabbed her opportunity.
‘What have you got planned this afternoon? More work or are you resting after your trip to London?’
‘Neither. I was going to ask if I might borrow your car. My business partner – and friend – Sam is arriving to help with planning the engagement party and I want to pick him up and take him down to The Keeper’s Arms where he’s staying.’
I hadn’t realised that Coco and Alexander had stopped talking and were listening to me, until Alexander’s voice came across the table.
‘Why is he staying there? Unless he prefers to. He’s very welcome here, we’ve got plenty of room.’
‘Oh, thank you. I didn’t want to ask, being a guest myself, but that’s kind…I hope the pub won’t mind?’
‘They’ll be fine. And I’ll still help with the party, Fallon, we did say we’d tackle it together.’
‘Oh, absolutely. I just thought three heads might be better than two, and Sam knows Mum well.’
He nodded and stood up.
‘Great. I’ll look forward to meeting him later.’
Then he left. Coco and Constance both looked at me questioningly, but I ploughed on.
‘That’s kind of him. You’ll like Sam, I think he’s great.’
‘Good, it will be fun to have someone else staying,’ said Coco. ‘We’ll be almost full. Come on, I’ll help you sort out the room, get sheets and so on.’
I smiled at her gratefully.
‘And of course you can take my car,’ said Constance. ‘I’m still chained to my book, so I won’t be going anywhere.’
‘Thank you.’
We cleared the table, then I followed Coco upstairs, Runcible at our heels.
‘How many bedrooms does this house have?’ I asked, as we walked down the corridor in the opposite direction from my room, up three stairs and through a large sitting room full of old-fashioned, chintzy furniture, that I hadn’t seen before.
‘Ten,’ said Coco, ‘although they’re not all furnished. Oh, and another few up in the attic if you’re desperate – old servants’ quarters. There’s been talk over the years of making that space useable in some way, but no one’s ever done anything about it. It’s nicer up there than it sounds; loads of light, but it’s very cold in the winter. Maybe one day Dad or Alexander will sort it out. Here’s the room I thought Sam could use. Constance and I are over this side as well, so he won’t be isolated.’
She pushed open the door to reveal a medium-sized bedroom with dark floorboards and wooden panelled walls, painted cream. A large bed, stripped of its linens, stood against one wall and there was a heavy oak wardrobe. A large stone fireplace was opposite the bed and a door near that stood half open, showing a bathroom.
‘He’ll have a nice view here of the front garden,’ said Coco, going over to the window and looking out. ‘Oh! There’s Theo and Douglas back from the sanctuary.’
I walked over as she wrenched the iron catch and pushed open the window, then we both leaned out, waving and shouting. I held Runcible up to give Theo a wave with her paw, which made him laugh. We pulled our heads inside again and Coco shut the window firmly, then opened the huge wardrobe and pulled out some sheets. We set to making the bed, chatting about this and that, including the engagement party.
‘Mum and I would love to do the food, if you think Jacqueline would be all right with that?’ said Coco, throwing me a pillow to put in its case. ‘I wondered if she’d be uncomfortable with Dad’s ex-wife helping, but they seem to have been getting on well while you were in London – they’ve even gone off shopping together today.’
‘If you would, then that would be amazing,’ I replied. ‘It would be a weight off my mind, both in terms of finding someone but also finding someone good. Choice is almost non-existent by this stage at this time of year. And even if Mum did feel odd about it, I promise you that will be overcome by the kudos of having Estelle Knight catering her engagement party.’
‘Oh good, Mum will be so pleased!’
‘Have they really been getting on?’
I found it hard to imagine my mother bonding with the homely Estelle.
‘They have. After that first awkward meeting, they got talking about people they know in common, and Mum told Jacqueline that she follows her Instagram account slavishly.’
‘That would have gone down well.’
‘It did. So Jacqueline picked up her phone and followed Mum on the spot, and started asking about baking.’
‘I don’t believe it!’
‘I saw it with my own eyes. She said she’d never mastered even the basics?—’
‘True.’
‘—but surely it couldn’t be that hard.’
I laughed.
‘That sounds more like Mum. I hope Estelle didn’t mind?’
‘Oh no, she’s more than equal to that sort of thing. She calmly said that the basics weren’t at all hard, it was working at her level that was reserved for the very talented.’
‘Brilliant. Mum’ll be whisking up complicated pavlovas in no time under that sort of challenge.’
As we were smoothing the bed down, the door opened, and Theo came in. We both greeted him, but he bypassed us and went straight to Runcible, who he fussed over for a minute or two before turning back to us.
‘I had a good morning at the sanctuary,’ he said. ‘The police were there because someone shot a buzzard.’
‘How exciting,’ I said. ‘I hope they catch whoever did it.’
‘They will,’ he said, with all the innocent confidence of the very young. ‘And they let me sit in their car. Grandpa will show you the photo. And then,’ he continued in a complete non-sequitur, ‘I told Dad that he is being very silly.’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Coco.
‘Well, I asked him a few days ago if Fallon was his girlfriend and he said no, but he was thinking maybe she might be soon and did I mind? I said of course I didn’t. Then today I asked him again and he said no, and you weren’t going to be. Is that true?’
He fixed me with a gimlet glare. I glanced awkwardly at Coco.
‘Er, well…yes, it is.’
‘Why?’
As has been established, I don’t know many – any – children and have no idea what to say or not say to them. So once again I opted for the truth.
‘Well, you saw the upset I caused yesterday. I was busy working and couldn’t be here properly for either of you. That’s what me – my life – is like.’
‘You care more about work than us?’
I could feel a sweat breaking out on my lower back.
‘Well, no, I wouldn’t put it like that, exactly…’
I trailed off feebly. Theo was unmerciful.
‘You probably think I’m too young to understand, but I do, and I think you’re both silly. Dad worries about me a lot, but I worry about him too. I think he’s lonely. I think that because I am often lonely as well, so I know what it’s like. So I would like him to have a girlfriend. But not Annabel, because she treats me like a baby. You don’t. We both like you and I know you like us too.’
‘That’s true—’ I put in, before he continued with this uncharacteristically long speech.
‘We don’t need someone to look after us, we can already do that. But it is nice to have you here. If you like working, that’s okay. But it’s good to do more than just work.’ He regarded me seriously, then added, ‘I love Runcible too.’
I swallowed down tears.
‘I know you do. Oh Theo, it’s all a bit more complicated than that.’
‘I don’t see why. I think you and Dad are just being more complicated.’
I opened my mouth to attempt a reply to what seemed like a sensible argument, when Douglas popped his head around the door.
‘Ah, there you are, Theo. I’ve got our very late lunch ready, come and have it before it’s teatime.’
Without further comment, the boy stroked Runcible’s head and followed his grandfather out of the room. I gave Coco a half-smile, and she raised her eyebrows at me.
‘Good to hear Theo finding his voice,’ she said. ‘And for what it’s worth, from the little I know about it, I also think that you and Alexander are being very silly.’
I must have looked startled, because she quickly apologised.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, and I know I shouldn’t intrude, but it did seem as if you and Alexander were getting on so well.’
I sighed.
‘We were. And when Theo puts it like that, it’s so, so tempting. I do like Alexander a lot and I never thought I’d feel such – well, such a connection with a child as I do with Theo. But it’s just too much responsibility, and it’s not going to work. I had a tiny little dry run the other day, a chance to show that I could put them first, and I didn’t take it. If I failed that, it’s just a portent of what I’d be like if I were to let things go any further with Alexander.’
Coco pursed her lips.
‘You know best, of course, and I don’t know the details of what happened, but I do know that you did make it back in time for the Nativity. So, I’m not sure why you’re saying you failed: you didn’t.’ I stayed stubbornly silent. ‘If you think you failed because you weren’t there for an hour beforehand making mince pies and soothing stage fright, well, I don’t think anyone expected you to be, did they?’
I had to concede that she had a point.
‘No, but isn’t that who I would need to be, if I took on Theo?’
‘Not at all. You’d need to be there for him, sure, but you don’t have to morph into the Waltons. I’m sure you already know how to be present in life for people who matter to you.’ Now she was looking stubborn, and fierce, and I could imagine her dealing with the head chef who had groped her. ‘Sorry to be so forthright, Fallon, but I had high hopes of my brother and you. I’m not trying to force you into anything, or stop you being who you are, but I think you’ve convinced yourself of something that just isn’t true.’
‘It’s okay.’ I gave a small smile. ‘I appreciate you saying it. Look, I’d better go to the station to get Sam. Thank you for helping me with his room, and for the pep talk.’
Her face softened.
‘You’re welcome. Just think about it all, won’t you?’
I nodded, and went out, back through the chintzy sitting room and downstairs. I was just getting Constance’s car keys from the hooks in the hallway, when Mum appeared. She was wearing, to my intense astonishment, a blue apron with white polka dots. My eyebrows hit the ceiling.
‘Is something wrong, darling?’
‘Only that you appear to be wearing an apron, Mum. Are you auditioning?’
‘Oh, don’t be so ridiculous. I’m wearing it because Estelle and I are about to do some cooking. She’s teaching me how to make mince pies.’
‘You?’
‘Yes, me. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong, Fallon? You seem to be very confused. Are you sure you should be driving?’
‘I’m confused, Mum, because you are wearing an apron and having a mince pie-making lesson with Douglas’s ex-wife. It’s not very… you .’
She waved her hand at me dismissively.
‘Oh, darling, one can’t be constrained. Change is healthy, you know. If you don’t step out of your comfort zone once in a while, then life is very boring. You should try it.’
‘I do it all the time! Look at me rushing to London the other day – that was hardly comfortable.’
‘Ah, but it was your comfort zone: dashing off to solve a problem for a demanding client. You love it. You found it far more uncomfortable to let yourself be needed by Alexander and Theo, and to enjoy that. That’s why you were so late back.’ I stared at her, unable to find any words in reply. ‘Pretty basic psychology, darling, but I do also know you well, even if you think I don’t notice. I am your mother.’
I was going to make some retort, but then, disarmingly, she smiled.
‘And I love you, you know. Right, better go – these mince pies won’t make themselves. They will be ready for Sam to have one for tea. I know he’ll appreciate my efforts, such a dear man.’
She swept away, leaving me alone in the hallway clutching the keys and with my head spinning in utter confusion. Who had taken my mother and replaced her with this incisive, apparently loving, baker? I glanced at my watch. There wasn’t time to think about it now; I was going to be late and, for once, I was grateful for that. At least it gave me an excuse not to think about the several bewildering conversations I had had that day. Maybe later I’d find myself chatting to Father Christmas about his beard care; today, nothing else could surprise me. I hoped.