JOY #2
Add nine months of pregnancy and birth in there and you’ve got yourself the most terrifying movie series, which never comes to an end, not even when your child is fully grown.
I dry my hands on the towel and stare at the test again. I still haven’t showered after running over here. The rainwater is starting to dry, making my clothes smell weird. I should shower and practice some self-care to make myself feel better, but I can’t even take one step forward.
A knock at the door disrupts me from my trance.
“Joy? Are you okay in there?” calls Lila.
“Yeah. I’m coming,” I reply, not even answering her question.
I slide the lock and open the door. She’s standing on the other side of the door. My face says it all. She doesn’t need to look at the strip for confirmation.
“Shit. You’re pregnant,” she states.
I exhale a shaky breath.
“Well, that’s okay.” She lifts her voice, attempting to lighten the mood. “It’s not the end of the world. We can look at abortions. You don’t have to do this alone.”
“I know.” I squeeze her hand. “Thank you.”
But in spite of all the above, I can’t stand the thought of going through an abortion, even though, rationally speaking, it makes perfect sense.
What doesn’t make sense is how I’m feeling.
“Do you know who the father is?” asks Lila. “Is it the son? Or the father?”
“Or the Holy Spirit?” I joke.
Lila snorts. “Never thought I’d be asking my best friend that question. But whatever. We got here somehow. And now we have some big decisions to make.”
“The father is Valerian.”
“Are you sure?”
I pin her a look. “Igor and I haven’t slept together for months. Trust me, I’m very sure.”
“It sounds like you’ve been having a lot of fun with his father.” Lila winks. “But I don’t care how hot he is. You have to stay away from him.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It really is.”
“It wasn’t simple the first time I tried to stay away.” I rub my temple. “He’s too powerful.”
And part of me loves that about him.
Lila leans into the doorframe, concern written across her face. “I’m worried about you. That’s all. You moved fast with Igor. You’re moving even faster with his father.”
“He forced me into that marriage.”
“I know. But I don’t want you to end up hurt.” Lila keeps watching me.
Unfortunately, it’s already too late. Valerian has kept pieces of himself from me and that hurts more than the other stuff.
But I’m also hurting when he’s fucking me.
Pain? Pleasure? It all merges into one when his cock is deep inside, making me feel all kinds of crazy.
Yearning is a concept I’m only just starting to wrap my head around, the thought of wanting someone so badly you feel the pain in your chest. I never had that with Igor.
Probably because he never gave me any space to yearn.
Space is all he’s giving me now, and I don’t miss what he and I had, not one bit.
I’m all guns blazing for his father.
“Are you gonna tell him?” Lila asks.
“It’s probably best you don’t,” says Mom. She joins Lila in the doorway.
She must have a sixth sense about these things. Somehow, she knew the test was positive before I even took it. Another perk of motherhood—having the ability to sense when bad things are coming.
“I held off telling your father when I got pregnant,” says Mom. “I managed to keep it a secret for two months. Part of me didn’t want to keep you. You were a piece of the man I was trying to fall out of love with.”
“But you decided to keep me.”
“Because it was comfortable and familiar, and when I told your father about the pregnancy, he was happy. I kept you because it made him happy. And that’s all I ever cared about—putting his happiness above mine.
” Mom bites her lip. “That was until you came along.” She searches my eyes.
“You have to do this for you, sweetheart. Not him.”
My head is fried from today. I walk out of the bathroom, collapsing on the couch. I feel the opposite way mom did when she was pregnant.
Motherhood is terrifying, but the idea of losing this piece of Valerian inside of me hurts more.
I want to keep this because I like the idea of having him with me always. Even if it means never seeing him again when this war between father and son has ended.
I grab my laptop, sliding it onto my lap. God, the thought of checking my inbox right now is giving me a headache. A lot can change in a week in the world of fashion journalism.
I login to my laptop, and my heart immediately sinks.
A lot has changed.
I double-click on the email, opening it up. It’s two thousand words of my boss saying the same thing. Unable to meet deadlines. Failing to reply to emails and attend meetings.
I click off the email, scrolling through three hundred others that basically say the same thing, warning me that I may have to be fired for being unresponsive.
Nowhere in these emails can I see anything about anyone checking in, making sure I’m okay.
I could be dead, and all my boss can think about are the missed deadlines.
“What is it?” Lila asks in a grave tone.
The tears start falling before I can get my words out. “They fired me.”
“Oh, Joy.” Lila wraps her arms around me, bringing me into a hug. “I was gone just over a fucking week, and she decided to replace me with someone more ‘reliable.’”
I slam the laptop lid, tossing it aside. My heart sinks into my stomach. Working for this magazine was keeping me afloat. It was my cornerstone. And when I wasn’t stressing out about the deadlines, it was my happy place.
“You don’t wanna work for people like that.” Mom sits next to me on the couch, rubbing my shoulder.
I sink into her touch. I poured too much time into working, and not enough time into them.
I was more interested in pleasing my boss, who never gave a fuck about me anyway.
I sit back into the couch. Life really does hit you all at once.
I miss what I had this past week. Being back in the city makes Valerian and all of the sunbathing feel like a fever dream.
And now I told Lila and Mom the truth, I want that life back. Even though there’s still a lot of uncertainty.