JOY #2
Is it right to introduce a new child into Valerian’s life?
Things go from zero to one hundred with him, everything calm one day, sour the next.
Life is unpredictable. Igor and Valerian almost lost their lives.
You can’t put an innocent child through that, introducing your child to the world, allowing them to get attached, just for them to witness everything fall one day.
The cycle will begin anew, and before I know it, I’ll be dealing with the pain all over again.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned while staying with Valerian, it’s that the Bratva doesn’t promise tomorrow.
How the fuck are you supposed to raise a child after seeing all of this?
Enemies are constantly lurking. One day, it could be my child on the edge of this building.
Its safety is my responsibility, and sacrifices have to be made to ensure that sometimes.
Valerian makes an excellent father—I see now how protective he’s always been over Igor. But is that enough? Valerian and I won’t be playing happy families forever. Someone will lose their life. Hearts will be torn forever. Nothing ever mends. You just find ways to adjust to the hurt.
Valerian sets me down when we make it into the elevator. Blood is sprinkled all over his face, his eyes bloodshot, surrounded by deep shadows as we ride down in silence to the ground floor.
He’s heartbreakingly beautiful, even with cuts emblazoned across his face, soaked in several other peoples’ blood.
My heart aches the more I stare up at him. Remembering our first encounter only makes the pain hurt more.
I’d repeat it all, just to soak in more of him.
Time has been slipping through my fingers like sand and I didn’t even realize.
With Valerian, it was only going to be limited.
Maybe if I didn’t fall pregnant with his child, things could be different. But I’d like to think the ending would still be the same.
I’m setting myself up for heartache by staying with him, and I’m not sure I can open myself up to the possibility of handling real pain.
There’s comfort in the lies. You get what you want without any real sacrifice.
I place a hand on my lower belly, grounding myself into this reality. Facing facts is hard when you’ve been living blissfully between lies for most of your life.
But I have a child growing inside of me and a huge decision to make. Growing up with an emotionally distant father sucked, but I’d take that any day over being raised by a loving father and watching him die.
That damages an adult, never mind a child whose life revolves entirely around their parents.
And when the sky falls, it doesn’t go back up.
The elevator dings, spitting us out into the lobby of the building. My nose hurts from face-planting the sidewalk earlier, but the pain is dull compared to the agony I’m now holding even closer to my chest as we make it back down to solid ground.
Niko and Igor appear in the next elevator, hands on their weapons. The knife wrapped around Niko’s hand drips blood onto the laminate floor, the dripping sound echoing through the lobby.
“I’ll take care of Igor,” says Niko, yanking his arm.
“I’m capable of doing that myself.”
Lines appear between Niko’s brow. “I don’t agree.”
“What the fuck?” Igor turns to his father for reasoning. “I killed Siguard when you were spaced out on the floor unable to defend yourself, and you don’t think I’m capable of handling myself?”
“Go with Niko.” Valerian’s voice booms though the lobby like thunder. “We’ll speak back at my place.”
Igor flashes his father evils and begrudgingly goes with Niko, the drip, drip sound of the knife echoing through the lobby until they’re out.
Shadows curl around the walls, a thick darkness looming in every direction.
Valerian turns to me, concern written across his brow. He searches my eyes, taking his time, like he’s trying to find the right words.
Nothing he can say will change my mind about what needs to be done.
“I fell back into that helpless state again.”
Didn’t look very helpless to me when he was killing every man in sight, making it look like a competitive sport.
“Helpless?” I repeat the word. “We both have very different definitions of that.”
Valerian shuffles his weight onto the other foot. “Igor’s right. I was laid on the ground unable to defend myself. I’d be dead if he didn’t step in.” Valerian combs a hand through his matted hair, the silver roots shining in the faint light. “I lost control and it almost cost me everything.”
“Remembering the boy you once were isn’t losing control.” I fold my arms over my chest—the area still full of sadness. “Losing control is you sticking your knife into every last person who you think needs to pay.”
Valerian’s vibrant eyes cut through the darkness, searching mine. “They almost threw you off a fucking building, Joy. They all needed to pay.”
I take one step back, my heartstrings pulling taut as I put distance between us.
“What are you doing?”
“Leaving. It’s the only way all of us will be able to survive.”
“Joy—”
“You can’t expect me to raise a child by your side, can you?” Fuck knows how I make it through that sentence without choking halfway through. “Your world is too dangerous. I have to protect this child.”
“I know how it looks with Igor. But I’d never do anything to harm our child, Joy.” Shadows play on Valerian’s face as I take another huge step back from him. “You know that.”
“It’s not enough,” I mutter, my voice echoing as I turn on my heel and walk through the revolving doors, taking my exit.