26. Joy
JOY
I fall into Mom’s arms, sobbing my heart out after telling her and Lila everything on the couch at three a.m.
My laptop is still abandoned on the cushions where I threw it only hours earlier before all of this mess.
“Where the fuck do I go from here?”
“Firstly, you should do yourself a favor and stay well away from that man,” says Lila. “Even if he did save your life and kill for you.”
Mom glances at me sideways. I know what she’s thinking. You don’t risk your life for someone else’s unless you care about them deeply.
“I have other people to think about now,” I say, smoothing a hand over my flat stomach.
It'll be easier to accept reality when I have a bump there reminding me why I chose to walk away from Valerian. Just because someone is the love of your life, doesn’t mean you need to be with them.
Sometimes, accepting the truth and moving on is better long-term.
“I’ll always have a piece of him with me,” I say, patting my stomach. “This way, I can be sure he survives.”
“Valerian seems to be a pro at doing that,” snorts Lila. “Isn’t he almost fifty?”
“Which means he doesn’t have many years left. And I can’t be around for that day because it won’t be pleasant,” I grimace.
Mom rubs my back. Being reunited with the two most important people in my life has removed some of the pain. But I still have a lot clinging to my chest, and Valerian is my only cure.
But we learn to adjust to the hurt.
When I birth my child into the world, I’ll have other things to think about. My days will be filled with feeding and diaper changes. There won’t be any room left in my head to think about Valerian and what could have been.
I exhale a deep breath, sliding my laptop onto my lap.
“Your boss fired you, remember?” says Lila, letting me down gently.
“I know.” I smile at her. “Perhaps fate is on my side after all.”