30. Joy #2
“Come inside,” says Igor, taking my hand. “You can see him.”
“Oh.” I come to a halt. “No. I’m good. Open caskets aren’t my thing.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
Igor is still tugging on my hand, guiding me up the porch. “Come inside anyway.”
“Tell them to close the lid first.”
“Them?” Igor repeats. “There’s no one else here.”
My heart jumps. “So it’s just… Valerian in there?”
“That’s right.”
I shield Hope’s face, tucking her into my breast. “I really don’t think this is appropriate. Hope’s only a month old.”
Igor keeps ignoring me, yanking open the front door.
My heart is beating right out of my chest. This is how I get clarity, right? Seeing the man I love one last time?
Pain strikes my heart, like I’m being stabbed repeatedly in the chest. We tied the knot in the courtyard where I’m now about to bury him.
I look down at my hand, all five fingers trembling. I removed my ring ten months ago after walking away. On paper, we’re still married. I’m glad we kept it that way. It means our souls will forever be entwined. In life, in death, the promise will live on, even though we’ll never be together again.
I hold a breath like I’m diving underwater. The door creaks open, echoes bouncing between the walls as Igor steps into the lobby.
There it is. The casket. Mahogany, just like Valerian’s bedframe.
I swallow the boulder-sized lump in my throat, unsure how I feel about the lid being closed. Didn’t Igor say it was open?
I hold Hope close to my chest as the pain rips everything open.
Reality turns everything on its head. The ceilings I spent a week living under all come crashing down, the walls full of memories I can’t get back.
The air feels cold even though the temperature outside is warm.
A balmy breeze blows into the lobby, perfumed with the smells of pollen and chlorine from the swimming pool.
It makes me nauseas. I can’t live another summer without him.
I stare at the casket… And that’s when the casket lid flies open.
My scream tears through the entire house. I step back, keeping Hope close to my chest, who is now crying.
We’re both crying, my heart beating so fast it hums as Valerian climbs out of his casket, a smug smile stretching across his painstakingly handsome face.
My legs seize up. I take a deep breath, but it gets stuck somewhere before reaching my lungs, causing my head to spin.
I back into the wall, startled, blinking back tears and my imagination. None of this is real. Valerian is dead. Journalists wrote his eulogy in the paper, his face plastered across social media. His death is all this city is talking about.
“What…?”
I turn to Igor for clarity, who smiles.
And that’s when it clicks. This is really happening.
My breath is staggered, my chest heaving as I look back at Valerian, my vision watery.
“You know I’m always one for surprise entrances.”
The smile disappears from Valerian’s face when he glances at our daughter. Every feature on his face drops as he slowly makes his way over, extending his arms to bring the two of us into a hug.
Relief courses through my veins, killing every last ache and pain.
I should slap him in the face for putting me through hell. I haven’t showered for three days because of the pain. He was alive this entire time while I was tossing and turning at night, hating myself for walking away before.
How fucking dare he.
His presence drains all of my anger. None of it matters anymore. Relief flows through me as I sink into his touch, allowing his scent to wash over me and bring comfort to parts of my body that never fully rested after I walked away.
“I hate you so fucking much,” I sob into his chest. “You’re an asshole.”
“Call me every bad name under the sun,” says Valerian in his usual dark, husky tone.
His voice could pull me out of a coma.
I bite my lip, desire rushing south as I look up at him.
He steps back, tilting his head to one side as he lays his eyes on our daughter.
I flash him a look. “You’re lucky Hope’s here. None of the names I want to call you are appropriate for a newborn to hear.”
“Hope,” Valerian repeats in his Russian accent. “Can I hold her?”
My heart leaps out of my chest, love spreading its magic throughout my entire body, bringing warmth to all parts of it.
I hand over our daughter. She looks tiny in his hands. Muscles work under his shirt as he handles her, cradling our daughter close to his chest.
I never thought a man this big was capable of being so gentle. He’s exactly how I pictured him in my imagination with Hope, holding her delicately, like the entire world is resting in his hands.
He glances at me, smiling, this one different to his usual. This smile feels like the sun rising in the morning, darkness parting to let something warmer through.
Suddenly, my senses are heightened. The next gust of wind to blow through the lobby leaves me hopeful for this next chapter. I feel the warmth on my skin, taste the pollen on my tongue.
Seeing Valerian hold Hope casts all other emotions out of the window, leaving only one remaining.
Love.
But as time passes, the love expands to other areas of my body, ones I don’t feel like registering with Igor and a newborn baby present.
I clench my thighs together, watching them. Valerian’s eyes are a soft blue color, different from the icy shade they were when we first met.
I’m sure he’ll be able to turn that side back on when we’re alone in the bedroom. After ten months of distance, my body needs to be flung around his bedroom.
I need his cock opening me up, brushing against my walls. Seeing him isn’t enough. My body needs to feel his presence. Then I’ll know all of this is real.
I map out his features, noting the defined cheekbones, the strong nose and jaw, which is relaxed. Appearance wise, not much has changed. He still makes my clit tingle wearing those three-piece suits, looking like he’s dressed for dinner, not to fake his own death.
But he looks different, more rejuvenated, like he finally found a way to let go of the stress and relax.
Valerian looks back up at me, and I instantly shatter into millions of pieces, ones only he can put back together. The last ten months has taught me that he fixes me better than I can fix myself.
I catch Igor looking from afar, his face soft, like he finally accepted his father’s love for me.
“I’ll give you guys some alone time,” he says, walking out into the courtyard where Galina is hanging out laundry, stealing glances inside.
“You owe me an explanation.” I fold my arms over my chest, fighting to keep my voice level.
Valerian takes a step back to look at me, rocking our daughter back to sleep. “I faked my death.”
“Thanks for stating the obvious.”
“I’m still leading the Sokolov Bratva, that will never change. But I needed to step down and make way for other things to enter my life…”
“You sold the real estate business?”
“No, Igor and Niko will take over the main operations. I’ll still be involved, keeping an eye on things, making sure you and Hope are protected.
The Bratva will always live inside of me.
These tattoos,” says Valerian, rolling up his sleeves, “stay on my skin as a reminder of who I am, and who I will always be. But the Bratva is only one part of my identity." Valerian stares deep into my eyes. “If you let me in, I won’t let you down. Giving up has never been in my blood.” A smirk crawls onto Valerian’s face again.
“I’ll always fight for what I believe in. ”
I narrow my eyes on him. “You faked your own death, staged your funeral, just so I’d walk back into your life?”
“You’ve always been stubborn, printsessa.” Valerian winks. “I had to do something to get my wife back.”
I frown. “But the entire world thinks you’re dead.”
“Good. Maybe people actually might start leaving me alone.”
“That’s only possible if you spend the rest of your life living under a rock.”
“Or moving out of town.” He looks at me pointedly.
“I want to raise our daughter the right way, Joy.” He hands Hope back to me, using his hands to explain what sounds like a very well thought-through plan.
“I want to be present for Hope. See her first steps, hear her first word. I didn’t experience any of that with Igor.
I want us to experience it together, away from the city, somewhere quiet. The desert, perhaps.”
“The desert?”
“Somewhere outside of the city for us to feel like we’re away from it, but close enough for me to drive in and assist Igor with operations.” Valerian takes a step back, assessing his surroundings. “Igor will stay here at the estate. Nobody else in the Bratva deserves it as much as he does.”
“What about Niko?”
“He stays here too. He’s out at the moment hounding someone about a debt.”
I nibble the corner of my lip, remembering why I left.
Valerian searches my eyes, lines appearing between his brow. “What’s the problem?”
“I walked away from you ten months ago because I couldn’t survive loving you.”
Valerian tenses his jaw, his eyes locked on mine, waiting for me to continue.
“I don’t… want anything to happen to you. Or any of us,” I say.
Valerian steps closer, lacing my free hand with his. “There will never be another Siguard.”
“No. But problems never go away. I found out you were dead and fell into a pit.” I feel the sadness return. “And you’re the only one who can drag me out.” I sniffle. “I couldn’t even soothe my own tears, let alone Hope’s when she needed me. If it wasn’t for Lila and my mom…”
Valerian squeezes my hand, his face softening, like my tears provide clarity to him. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m glad you felt that way.”
“You’re glad you faked my death and left me heartbroken?”