Chapter 11 Julian
ELEVEN
JULIAN
Rita looked up when I walked in the office and I busied myself with paperwork, trying to look casual. I was off today and didn’t have to be here so she would have questions.
"You've been crying."
"Allergies."
"Uh-huh." She didn't believe me, but she didn't push. "Your hockey player did pretty well for a first-timer. Only called me once to ask which dog was which."
He'd really put on those ridiculous signs and walked four dogs through the park just to get my attention.
The door chimed. Renard walked in and our eyes met across the office. I hoped Rita would break the awkward silence and I tried to catch her eye but she ignored me.
"Thank you for the signs."
"I meant what they said."
Rita shuffled papers and I grabbed Renard’s arm. "We need to talk outside and away from Rita's very obvious eavesdropping."
Rita's offended "I am not!" followed us out the door.
We stood in the parking lot between our cars. I could hear traffic from the main road. They were the usual everyday sounds, except everything was unusual about this.
"I want to try to understand the shifter thing and you. But I need to see you as just you. Not the serious hockey guy or the person who turns into a wolf. Just Renard."
"What does that look like?"
"I don't know. Something that isn't heavy or complicated." I looked over his shoulder at a car driving past. "When was the last time you did something silly and fun?"
He blinked. "Huh?"
"Yeah, when did you do something with no purpose except enjoying yourself?"
"I don't remember."
"Exactly." I spotted the neon sign half a block down that read Game Galaxy Arcade. "Come on."
The arcade was exactly what I needed. It was loud and chaotic. Nothing serious could happen here.
Renard looked around as though he'd entered an alien world. "I haven't been to an arcade since I was twelve."
"You're overdue." I bought us a card loaded with credits. "What do you want to play first?"
He studied the rows of games. "I have no idea."
"The dance game. Come on."
I dragged him to a DDR machine in the back, and his expression when he realized what it was made me laugh out loud.
"Absolutely not."
"Absolutely yes. You owe me."
"For what?"
"For scaring me half to death when I caught sight of your wolf and for upending my world. Get up there."
He stepped onto the platform as if he was being marched to the guillotine. I picked the easiest song and an easy difficulty, and the arrows started scrolling.
Renard was a disaster. He had the timing of a man who'd never heard music before, and his attempts to hit the arrows looked more like a goalie tracking a puck than dancing. I was bent double on my own platform, missing half my own arrows because I couldn't stop laughing.
"This is humiliating." His deadpan expression had me giggling more. "I'm doing terribly."
"You're doing terribly with great commitment."
The song ended. My score was mediocre but his was so low, the machine made a sad noise.
"What's next?" He staggered off the platform as if he'd just survived a natural disaster.
"What are you good at?" I wanted to give him a chance at winning, much as I wanted to ace every game.
"Anything that doesn't involve coordination on a platform."
We tried air hockey next and Renard was ruthless. I caught myself watching him more than the puck and lost three games in a row.
"That's not fair," I complained after the third loss. "You play hockey for a living."
"But remember you said this was just for fun." He raised a brow and smirked.
"I'm changing my position."
He elbowed me and grinned.
The whack-a-mole was where we both lost it. Renard missed one and swore under his breath, I laughed so hard I nearly dropped my hammer. He kept missing them on purpose after that, just to make me laugh again.
Between games, we talked, starting with favorite foods followed by my college major and how he'd started playing hockey.
"Can all shifters control when they change?" I asked as we wandered to the prize counter.
"Most can. We don’t usually have our first shift until puberty."
I couldn’t imagine a little kid shifting in a grocery store or at the cinema so shifting around adolescence sounded manageable.
"Does your family know about me?”
He hesitated. "Not yet, but they will."
"What will they think about you being with a human?"
"They'll be happy I found someone." He met my eyes. "It's not uncommon for shifters to partner with humans."
"Really?"
"We're not that different from you. We fall in love with people, not species."
The casual way he said "fall in love" made my heart speed up. We weren't there yet because we'd barely survived one crisis.
I was reluctant to ask the next question but I had to be honest if we were to move forward. "What about the full moon? Does it affect you?"
"Not like the movies. Some shifters shift during full moons because it reminds them of a time when we lived in the forest and the moon guided our behavior more so than it does in the modern world."
I tried to imagine what that would be like. Having another way of existing. "Will you show me again? When I'm ready?"
"Whenever you want."
We collected our tickets and approached the prize counter. Renard studied the options.
"The stuffed dragon or the stretchy frog?" I pointed at the middle shelf.
"Neither." He reached past both and picked up a small enamel pin shaped like a tiny hockey stick crossed with a dog bone. "This one."
I stared at it. "Where did they even get that?"
"No idea. But it's clearly meant for us."
I laughed and let him hand over the tickets. He put the pin on the strap of my bag, and the gesture was so deliberate and so unlike him that I had to look away for a second.
We left the arcade and the playful energy from inside didn’t vanish as we wandered back to our cars.
"Thank you." He cleared his throat. "For giving me a chance."
I touched the pin, aware of how close he was standing. "And thank you for being patient after my freak out."
"But it nearly destroyed me watching you run and not being able to follow." He brushed hair from my brow. "I know we have to take this slow. But I need you to understand what I feel for you isn't casual. It isn't something I can turn off."
A wave of heat washed over me and sweat dotted my upper lip. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you're it for me, Julian."
"That's a lot of pressure."
"I'm not asking you to feel the same way right now. But I need you to know where I stand." His eyes searched mine. "So you understand why I can't be casual about this."
I didn’t back away from the intensity in his voice but leaned into him.
"I'm still confused about the shifter thing. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Even when I turned off my phone, all I could think about was how much I wanted to hear your voice."
His eyes darkened. The only word I could think of to describe them was to say they were hungry. "Kiss me, please."
His hand slid into my hair and his fingers tightened at the base of my skull. The whimper that slipped out of me was a desperate plea. He answered it with not quite a growl. I felt it more than heard it.
Even when we pulled away, he didn’t let me go and his eyes stayed on mine.
"I want you," I said. "Even though I'm confused."
"You have me." His voice cracked. "Always."
"I'm not ready to see the wolf again."
"Then you won't." He kissed me again, softer this time but no less intense. "I'll wait as long as you need."
"What if I never get there?"
"Then I'll love you as a human." The word love hit me as though I’d been punched in the chest. "But I hope someday you'll want to know all of me."
This was the man who'd walked four dogs with signs on their collars as a way of telling me he’d do anything for me.
"I want to understand all of you."
He kissed my forehead, my cheeks and the corner of my mouth. "It’s more than enough."
We wrapped around each other while the world moved on around us. His hands were on my back and his breath was hot against my neck.
"Come over tomorrow after the game." I’d be more at ease at my place. "We need to talk about what you need from me and what I expect from you."
"Fair warning, my wolf is going to be insufferable being away from you."
That should have been weird but I felt safe and loved. "Tell your wolf I'm attached to both of you."
Renard made a sound that was half-laugh, half-groan. "You're going to kill me."
He kissed me one more time. "I should let you go. Before I do something silly like beg you to come home with me."
"Would that be so bad?"
"Yes, I can’t rush you." He messed up his already unruly hair. "Though every instinct I have is telling me to keep you close."
I understood because I didn't want to go back to my apartment alone. But he was right.
"Text me after the game tomorrow."
"I promise."
I drove home thinking about his kiss. Renard Conley was in love with me. And I was falling too.
Maybe love didn't need to make sense. It just needed to be real.