23
CLARITY
Sitting at the restaurant table, the waiter lingers, waiting for me to answer his question. My leg bounces underneath.
"I'm not really hungry, actually," I whisper.
The table surrounded by all our friends stares at me like I'm crazy.
"Clarity, you have a guy next to you who is willing to buy the whole restaurant for you. I'd order the whole menu," Natalie says.
I shake my head. How do I tell them I feel like throwing up my intestines without ruining everyone else's night?
Olias hand slides onto my thigh, and I press my lips together. "Pasta," I simply answer to the waitress.
The waiter writes the final order on his little notepad and leaves us. Everyone chatters amongst themselves, laughing at a silly joke Kyle made.
Sitting back in the booth, Olias squeezes my thigh. "Say the word, and we'll go home right now."
And strip you of your time with friends? No.
I shake my head. "No, I'm fine." I'm not okay. I haven't been okay since we left the Go-Karts an hour ago. I swallow, and it's equivalent to cardboard traveling down my throat.
"Olinda," Michael calls Olias. "Pass me the water jug."
Olias squints his eyes but passes it to him anyway.
Tanner clears his throat, thankfully trapping Olias and everyone else's attention away from me. "So," he starts, a smirk on his face. “Michael takes notes. Natalie, I've wanted to ask you if you wanna go to the movies or something."
Natalie, in the middle of drinking a glass of water, spits it back into her cup and begins laughing. I silently laugh with her as she glances at me, then Tanner. "Um, a movie? Like as..."
"a date," he finishes.
I press my lips together. Olias, beside me, laughs to himself.
Natalie shakes her head. "Unless you're bringing your older sister or mom, I'll pass." The table echoes with half laughter and shock from the other half.
"Did you just say his mom ?" Kyle asks. Before she can answer, he says, "His mom's mine , first of all." Tanner sends a heavy playful hand against Kyles' shoulder.
Sabrina, who I feel terrible for having to sit at this table, only smiles. She is probably second-guessing her choice to hang with us at this very moment. She cackles once, looking at no one in particular when she speaks, " Ces gens sont fous dr?les. Je l'aime bien. "
"Y'all, I think she just cursed us out in french," Kyle says.
Sabrina snickers. "I did not!"
For the rest of the conversation, I begin to zone out. This one time I finally have many people to spend time with, I feel like poop.
Not only does my stomach hurt, but my head spins again, like earlier. My lips begin to crack and the voices around me start to hurt my head. Even the glow of light above blinds me, gets brighter every second my eyes are open.
I tap Olias on the leg and I feel him turn around next to me. "Clare?" His voice echos into a million other ones. He shakes my shoulder, "Clarity!"
Seconds later, my eyelids drift close and the familiar warmth his words bring slowly dissipates as his voice fails to reach me completely. Leaving me in cold darkness, alone and scared.
***
A bright light seeps through my eyelids as I slowly pry them open.
Machines, liquid bags, beeping. My gaze drifts across my surroundings. The walls are whiter than snow, and my bed; the bed I've seen my mother in several times is the one I now use. A hospital bed.
Lifting myself up, a pain shoots through my arm. I look down to see a needle inserting liquid into my arm.
What's happened to me?
"Olias?" I call out, hugging myself around my stomach.
Curtains cover the sides of me and behind them, a door opens. My eyes widen in hopes for the one person I want to see, but instead I see a doctor. A new one.
"Hi, Clarity," He greets.
I raise a hand to wave, but it's shaking. He holds a paper in his hand.
"Where's Olias?"
The doctor stands at the side of my bed. "I'm assuming Olias is the man outside? He's been in a chair in the waiting room for ten hours, he went to sleep only about an hour ago."
I look up at the clock on the wall. It reads three twenty-two a.m.
He stayed here for ten hours? He's probably so scared. I hope he didn't cry. He gets worried about a little stomach pain, I can't imagine what he felt at the restaurant.
"What happened to me?" I ask softly.
"I was told you passed out and was brought here by a group of caring people. We ran some tests on you, Clarity. Have you ever heard of endometriosis?"
I shake my head. "No." A cold chill runs down me. That word sounds terrible. Tears start to fill my eyes and my lip quivers. "Am I dying ?" The words barely leave my mouth.
The doctor shakes his head. "No, not at all. Endometriosis is a disorder in the uterus. Where abnormal tissue grows outside of it. It can cause pain in the stomach area, lower back, and abnormal menstruation. Also nausea, which didn't go well with your empty stomach; causing you to faint."
I blink tears, processing his words. "But I'm okay, right? I’ll be okay?"
"Yes, but usually with this disorder, it should be known that pregnancy, more than not, is a dangerous action to undergo. Despite it lowering your chance of getting impregnated, actually getting pregnant would put you and the baby's lives at risk.” He pauses. “The risk of miscarriages rises by nearly eighty percent. "
"What?" I couldn't have heard him correctly.
But he repeats himself patiently. “I strongly suggest ruling pregnancy all together for your safety, ma’am.”
My lips part open as my legs bend to my mouth. If there's a heart in my chest, I can no longer feel it.
I wrap my arms around my legs and hospital gown. Cold and shivering. Goosebumps housing my entire body. Moments go by before a cry finally seeps out of my throat.
My gaze stays glued to the blank wall. I can't get pregnant. I want to ask him to check again, but I don't.
What does that mean for the future? No mini me's? No mini Olias'? I slide a hand against my belly and press my forehead against my arm. A tear falls on my gown, then another. My body jerks with cries. I will never be a mommy.
"I will notify your guest that you've woken." The doctor says sincerely.
I lift my head, my vision blurred with tears. "Please, don't tell him about..." I can't bring myself to say it. If anyone tells him the terrible news, it should be me.
The doctor nods, understanding me. "Of course not; that's solely up to you, Ms. Red." Then he exits the room.
What will I tell Olias? Hey, so I can't give you babies. Sorry for being useless .
What if he doesn't want me anymore? Now that I'm broken?
Tears drip from my eyes like rivers, and I sob, feeling my eyelashes sticking together.
The door opens once again, and I hear him before seeing.
" Clarity ," his voice makes my head shoot up. He stands there, wearing a black sweater and pants, with one side of his face indented with wrinkles as if he slept on his arm, leaving the rest of his face slightly puffy.
His image quickly blurs through my tears, and I watch his blob walk over to my bed.
I raise my hands for the hug I desperately need, and he bends down and takes me in his hold, burying his face into my neck—the familiar bear hug.
Ten out of ten, as always.
"I'm here, baby." He sits on my bed, holding me tightly against him.
My face digs in his chest, tears soaking his shirt. "Olias, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He strokes my hair. "For what?" he asks softly.
"For being broken."
He tilts himself, placing a finger under my chin, and lifts my head, "Clare, what are you talking about?" His eyes flicker between both of mine.
I shut my eyes. "You like babies, and I can't give you any." My head drops into his chest again, my hand tightly gripping his shirt.
I hear Olias sigh sadly. He's disappointed, I know it. I've saddened him, and now he's rethinking everything about us.
"Clarity, that doesn't matter to me," he says calmly.
I sniffle. " Yes , it does. You're just saying that to make me feel nice."
He slowly lifts himself and turns us so I'm on my back while he leans on his shoulder, looking down at me.
He cups my face in his hand and wipes the tears from my eyes. I can barely catch my breath, gasping for air in between my sobs and cries.
"Clarity, look at me," he orders. “Don’t cry, baby.”
I sniffle, blinking my eyes clear of tears, which only lasts for a few seconds before they start filling again. My jaw shakes, and my lip pokes out into a pout uncontrollably.
Olias drops his head and kisses the corner of my mouth. "Stop it, please. I can't take watching you cry, I can't ," Olias whispers, pleading and searching my face with his soft gaze.
His eyes are glossy with tears, making me want to cry more.
"I don't fucking care about children, alright?" he says.
I shake my head. "But—"
" No ." He shakes his head as well. "When you passed out earlier, I had thought the worst thing possible," his voice quivers. "I thought my girl was gone. I thought the one person I love more than anyone in this fucking world was gone. Do you know what that would've done to me? Having everyone I love… leave?"
I shake my head. The flat of his thumb swipes against my cheek, wiping my leaking eyes.
He blinks, and a tear from his eye drops on my cheek. "I would've been done. Done with being here because I don't belong on this planet without you,” he pauses, sniffling, "So if I have to choose between having children and the girl I love. I'll choose you every damn time. I promise."
Relief washes over me like a blanket in the middle of winter. I nod, bringing my hands to his face. He lowers his head and kisses me. Leaning up, I wrap my arms around his head, pressing him against my chest. I can feel him tense, holding his body weight with his arms
I kiss his head of hair and rest my head against his. "That was cheesy," I whisper. "I loved it."
His body jerks with laughter. He lifts his head and kisses my jaw. "Shut up and take my love," he says.
I giggle, and he lifts, watching the smile he's created on my face. "We can always adopt, you know."
"Babies?"
He nods. "Yeah,” he says lightheartedly. “We can adopt all the babies you want. You're already an amazing mom. Cat loves you."
I squint. "His name is Dog . And Olity is our second child."
His gaze is filled with admiration that makes me feel pretty, even though I probably look like poop on a stick.
" Sure ," he says.
"You don't want babies from me ?" I ask. "I'll understand if you want to break u—"
He clamps his palm over my mouth. "Don't say those words. I don't want even to hear it."
That's good because I was lying. I wouldn't be okay with us breaking up; I'd be mortified.
Olias brings a hand to his eye and rubs it. They’re both red, with dark circles underneath them. He's tired and trying his best to stay awake for me. It is the middle of the night to be fair. I glide my fingers in his hair and search his face.
I press on his chest, motioning him to lie down, and he does, watching as I make him my human pillow under my head. We stay like this in silence for several minutes. His hand resting on my back as I melt on his chest like butter to a pan.
"I love you," I randomly blurt out. But I don't get a response.
I lift to see his head tilted sideways, his jaw limp, a quiet snore coming from his nose.
Laying back down on his chest, one thing runs through my mind. I try to block it out, but it multiplies like a virus, tainting my thoughts and filling them with this unsureness. He's not Jonah and will never be Jonah. But I hear the uncertain voice in the very back of my head telling me the one thing I don't want to hear—something I've only heard with Jonah.
And it's that he's lying.