11. Cassandra
11
CASSANDRA
C assandra stepped into her spacious New York City apartment, her heels clicking against the hardwood floor. She tossed her designer handbag onto the couch and sighed deeply, feeling the weight of the workday routines that had been monotonous and depressing lately. But even in the familiar comfort of her home, an unsettling feeling persisted day and night.
It had been a week since Nadine had quit their collaboration. Cassandra replayed the argument in her mind on repeat. She remembered the broken look in Nadine’s eyes. She had never wanted to hurt Nadine, but the thought of being vulnerable scared her.
As she moved to the kitchen, she felt empty. They had shared so much during their collaboration, but now, everything was different. Instead of celebrating their creative victories together, Cassandra was alone. It wasn’t just the loss of a business partner that was affecting her, which was very hard to admit. It was the loss of someone who had become an emotional part of her life.
Cassandra leaned against the counter, staring at the bottle of wine she’d opened last week and never finished. She picked up her phone and stared at it, wanting to reach out but unsure what to say.
After a moment’s hesitation, she dialed Vivienne Blackwood’s number. Vivienne was not just a friend, but a colleague who had been with Cassandra through thick and thin. No matter how busy work got, Vivienne always found time to be there for her. She was sure she had heard Vivienne was in the city currently.
“Hello?” Vivienne’s cheerful voice came through the line, and Cassandra felt a little less lonely.
“Hi, Viv!” Cassandra said, forcing a smile. “It’s been a long day. Can you come over? I could really use some company and a glass of wine.”
“Lucky for you, I am in the city. I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” Vivienne replied eagerly.
Cassandra set her phone down, her heart feeling a little lighter. She wandered back to her living room and took a moment to admire the sleek, modern decor. The stylish room felt empty, pointless, and excessive.
As she waited for Vivienne, Cassandra reflected on her life. She’d built a successful fashion company, but today, that success felt hollow. Nadine’s words echoed in her mind: You use your cold persona to protect yourself . Was that true?
Cassandra had always prided herself on being strong and independent. She’d faced challenges in the fashion industry and had risen to the top. But as she thought about her relationship with Nadine, she realized how walls could isolate someone just as much as they could protect them. Emotional intimacy was not as easy as a business endeavor.
When the doorbell rang, Cassandra perked up. She opened the door to find Vivienne standing there, a bottle of red wine in one hand and a smile on her face.
“Cassandra! You look like you need a good talk,” Vivienne said, stepping inside and embracing her friend.
Cassandra felt a lump in her throat but nodded, grateful for Vivienne’s presence. “Would you like some wine?”
“Absolutely!” Vivienne said, moving toward the kitchen.
“So, what was it like falling for Alex?” Cassandra asked as soon as they had full glasses in hand. She knew that Vivienne had a vibrant persona and was often at the center of attention, unlike Alex Carter, the retired snowboarding champion who preferred to remain in the shadows. Vivienne smiled at the mention of her wife’s name, nostalgia in her eyes.
“It was...complicated, to say the least,” Vivienne replied, taking a sip of her wine. “If Mother Nature hadn’t stepped in, I’m not sure we would even be together.”
Cassandra raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “What do you mean?”
Vivienne leaned back, a fond smile lingering on her lips. “It was during a terrible winter storm a few years ago. I was driving through a small Colorado town, trying to escape for the holiday season. Suddenly, my car broke down right in the middle of nowhere. No cell service, no map, nothing. I was stuck in a winter storm.”
Cassandra nodded, imagining the scene. She could picture the icy roads and swirling snow that would make anyone feel stranded and alone.
“Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse,” Vivienne continued, “this figure appeared out of the snow. It was Alex. She’d driven past and noticed my car. She probably would have kept going, but she always had a soft spot for people in trouble.”
Cassandra felt a grin forming on her face. “What did you do?”
Vivienne chuckled softly. “I had to stay in her cabin with her. I would have died out there. I might have been a bit frosty myself. And Alex was certainly not fond of me in the first instance. But there was this incredible sexual chemistry between us right from the start. It was like the universe wanted us to meet. I’d never met anyone like her before.”
“Did sparks fly immediately?” Cassandra asked, leaning forward. She was feeling the warmth of the wine and the excitement of hearing about her friend’s love story.
Vivienne hesitated for a moment, a mischievous twinkle appearing in her eye. “I’d say there was definitely chemistry. I mean, come on, she’s an ex-Olympic snowboarder. She has this killer confidence and a quiet strength that just pulls you in. And, well yes. We had a LOT of sex and it was totally off the charts hot!”
Cassandra couldn’t help but laugh. “Sounds like you were hooked right away!”
“I was!” Vivienne admitted, a blush creeping onto her cheeks. “But at the same time, I was feeling conflicted. I came back to the city. We were both so very different and lead different lives. Alex didn’t want to be in the spotlight, and I was so used to it. It was a tug-of-war between our different worlds.”
Cassandra leaned back, reflecting on that. Their friendship had its roots in a blend of differences. “So, you were snowed in? Stranded… with nothing to do, but have more sex?” she asked, with a teasing lilt in her voice.
Vivienne’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “Oh, exactly! There was tension between us from the beginning. It was like our competitive natures just collided.” She laughed again, shaking her head. “I remember thinking, What ’ s happening here ? But we couldn’t ignore the chemistry, and yes, there was a LOT of sex.”
Cassandra felt warmth surge through her. “But how did you make it work when you came back to the city? How did you decide it was more than just sex, that you would try and make a relationship work?”
“It took a lot of internal debating really,” Vivienne admitted, her gaze drifting to the window as if she were recalling those early days. “We were falling for each other while trying to figure out how to merge our worlds. I think I became addicted to Alex’s body. It was wild, like she missed the thrill she felt when she was performing or competing. But at the same time, I was falling for the person behind the athlete. And I knew I was, really, if I let myself admit it. When I came back to the city alone, I felt heartbroken”
Cassandra smiled, feeling the passion in Vivienne’s voice. “It sounds intense. What was that first moment like, when everything shifted?”
Vivienne chuckled and held her wine glass tighter, as if savoring the memory. “It’s hard to remember exactly.” She paused, letting the memory wash over her. “I just know that we both pushed each other away too many times and felt like crap after. When she came to the city to find me, then I knew.”
Cassandra sighed dreamily, swept up in the image Vivienne painted. “Then you knew for sure?”
“Exactly,” Vivienne said, a gentle smile crossing her lips. “From that moment on, we were in it together. It was exciting and terrifying, but mostly just real. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
As they shared stories and laughs late into the evening, Cassandra felt grateful for their friendship. Vivienne’s journey with Alex reminded her of how love could blossom from the most unexpected moments, fueled by spontaneity and a deep connection.
They sipped their wine, both lost in thoughts of love and laughs under the twinkling lights of the cozy apartment. She couldn’t help but think that at least in Vivienne’s story, both women were conflicted and had their demons. In Cassandra’s story, there was only one party pushing the other away: Cassandra.
Vivienne leaned forward, her eyes filled with curiosity. “Cassandra, are you really okay with everything?” she asked softly. “What is it in your relationship that is causing you problems?”
Cassandra shook her head slowly. “It’s just. Well, I can’t commit to her. I want to. I think I want to. I am terrified of my own feelings for her. And we share such an intense sexual connection, I am afraid that is clouding my judgement. So I keep pushing her away. I think too hard this time. I don’t think she will come back this time and I feel devastated by it.”
“Then, you’ll just have to go to her if you want to make it work. Apologize for being such a miserable bitch and make it up to her. Love is scary, but, being alone is worse.”
Cassandra hesitated. “But it makes me think about relationships in general. It can be complicated sometimes. Like, when it comes to age differences. You and Alex have quite an age gap. Has that ever made you uncomfortable?” She’d often watched Vivienne and Alex navigate their relationship, which seemed to have its share of ups and downs like any other. “Was the age gap ever a problem for you two?”
Vivienne paused for a moment, swirling the wine in her glass as she thought about her answer. “In the beginning, yes, I think it was. When Alex and I first got together, people had opinions. But honestly, those opinions didn’t bother us much. She makes me feel a lot younger.” She smiled wistfully. “Sometimes it felt like we were at different stages in life. I think that’s okay though, as long as your other, deeper values align.”
Cassandra listened, captivated by the comparisons. Vivienne continued, “At first, I worried that our age difference would set us apart, that we wouldn’t relate to each other. But as time went on, I realized it helped us grow. I brought a bit of my experience into the relationship, while Alex introduced me to a different mindset. It was refreshing.”
Cassandra raised an eyebrow. “So you found it beneficial?”
“I did,” Vivienne replied. “But it wasn’t all easy. There were times when I felt like I had more responsibilities, like I had to guide her when she was deciding her future. That can be tough, especially when you’re in a romantic relationship. But I also think we balanced each other out.”
Cassandra could hear the depth of Vivienne’s thoughts as she spoke. “That makes sense. So you think there are more pros than cons?”
“Definitely,” Vivienne said with confidence. “We learned how to communicate better, to share our thoughts and feelings with very different people. I mean, every relationship has its challenges, but I think the age gap taught us important lessons about patience and empathy. But I won’t pretend that it’s all rainbows and butterflies. There were tough days. People might see us and think we have it all figured out, but like any couple, we’ve hit rough patches.”
Cassandra took another sip of her wine, reflecting on Vivienne’s words. “Sometimes, I worried that Alex would outgrow me. It was a fear I had for quite a while. But instead of pulling us apart, it brought us closer. We talked about those insecurities and shared our thoughts. Open communication was key.”
Cassandra admired Vivienne’s openness. “That’s brave of you. I can see how that kind of communication would help.”
“Absolutely,” Vivienne agreed. “Also, it was interesting to see how my friends reacted. Some were supportive, while others didn’t quite understand it. We had to navigate that together, too. But Alex and I learned to lean on each other instead of letting the outside world get to us.”
Cassandra found herself nodding, encouraged by Vivienne’s story. “It sounds like you and Alex made a real effort to understand each other. It can’t be easy, but that’s what makes a relationship strong.”
“I believe so,” Vivienne said, her expression serious. “Every disagreement turned into an opportunity to learn about one another. There’s beauty in that process. It shows us what we value, what we want in this journey together.”
Vivienne leaned back in her chair, a soft smile gracing her lips. “The age difference? It may come with its challenges, but I wouldn’t trade my experience with Alex for anything. I love her for who she is, not her age. And while it’s important to know each other’s backgrounds, we create our own story.”
Cassandra took a sip of her wine as she pondered Vivienne’s words. “I can see that,” she said finally. “It sounds like you both have made a great life together.”
Vivienne’s eyes danced with joy. “We really have. It takes work, but every relationship does, right? It’s about what you’re willing to put into it. And honestly, I think age differences can add a unique flavor to a relationship.”
Cassandra chuckled softly, feeling a sense of camaraderie with her friend. “You’re right. I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way before. It’s refreshing to hear your perspective.”
“Plus,” Vivienne added with a mischievous grin, “there’s always one of us who’s excited about the new trends while the other is reminiscing about ‘the good old days.’ It keeps things lively.”
They both laughed, the mood lifting as they clinked their glasses together. It was easy to share these moments with Vivienne, a friend who completely understood what she was going through.
As they settled into a comfortable silence, Cassandra couldn’t help but think about her own journey with Nadine. The conversation had shifted something inside her. It was reassuring to hear how Vivienne and Alex navigated their differences, discovering strength in their love.
After a moment, Cassandra spoke again. “Vivienne…how do you feel about the future? Does age still concern you?”
Vivienne took a deep breath, looking thoughtful. “You know, I think about it sometimes, sure. But at the end of the day, what matters most is our love and commitment. If we focus on the time we have together, the rest seems less significant.”
Cassandra smiled, inspired by her friend’s words. “That’s beautiful. You have a way of seeing things clearly, Vivienne.”
Vivienne chuckled. “It’s all part of growing up, I suppose! I tried to learn from all of my experiences, especially those that challenge me.”
Cassandra leaned forward. “Thank you for sharing this with me. It’s nice to know that we aren’t alone in our struggles, and that love takes many shapes.”
“What’s going on, fashion queen?” Vivienne pried. Cassandra smiled, grateful for her friend’s interest. “What else is bothering you?”
“I don’t even know where to begin,” she admitted.
“Just start wherever you feel is right.”
Cassandra sipped her wine and gathered her thoughts. “It’s about Nadine. She quit our collaboration after calling me out on my bullshit and I can’t stop thinking about it. I thought it was just business, but now…I’m not so sure.”
Vivienne’s expression turned serious. “What do you mean?”
“It was more than just work,” Cassandra admitted, her eyes glazing with unshed tears. “I think I used my cold persona to keep her at a distance. I never fully embraced my feelings...”
Even if she was embarrassed about what she was going to share, she was thankful to have someone to talk to. She took a moment to gather her thoughts and poured more red wine into her already half-full glass. She leaned against the kitchen counter, her mind drifting back to her time with Nadine. She felt a rush of warmth as she remembered their laughter and passionate moments. They’d been together in that hotel just a week ago, but now that felt like a distant, bittersweet memory.
Cassandra took a deep breath. It was time to open up. “I said…well, I said I didn’t have feelings for her.”
Vivienne raised an eyebrow. “And you do have feelings for her?”
Cassandra bit her lip, nodding slowly. “I guess I’ve been reflecting on what she said. About how I’m not as calculated as I pretend to be. It’s embarrassing, but…all those times we were together, it felt so spontaneous. Like I was just grabbing hold of a moment without thinking it through.”
Vivienne looked thoughtful. “But that’s not a bad thing, is it? Sometimes the best things in life are impulsive.”
“I don’t know,” Cassandra replied, her voice almost a whisper. “I’m used to being in control, to planning every detail of my life. But with Nadine, it felt different. It was like I let go of the reins, and now I’m realizing I messed everything up.”
Vivienne reached out and placed her hand on Cassandra’s knee. “You didn’t mess up. You felt something real. That’s important. Are you wishing didn’t say what you did?”
Cassandra nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. “I thought I was protecting myself, but maybe I was just pushing her away.” She took a sip of her wine, trying to calm her racing thoughts. “I miss her, Viv. I miss the connection we had.”
Vivienne smiled softly. “You might want to reach out to her. Tell her how you really feel. The heart wants what it wants, even if it’s scary.”
“I don’t want to die alone.” Cassandra laughed, but there was a seriousness behind her words. “Now that would just be unfashionable.”
Vivienne nodded slowly, with understanding in her eyes. “Cassandra, you’re not alone in this. Emotional intimacy is difficult. It makes us vulnerable, and for women like us who take a lot of time to defrost…well, some people can’t wait around for us to melt.”
Cassandra took a moment to absorb Vivienne’s words. Perhaps it was time to stop hiding behind her cold persona. She felt a flicker of hope. Maybe she could be brave enough to face the vulnerability that came with emotional intimacy. It was a big step, but for the first time in quite a while, it felt like something inside her was shifting.