Chapter 23
LAWSON
I should really go inside before someone calls the police about some dodgy bloke standing outside a fancy house in the middle of the night, dressed in all black.
And yet, my feet don’t move.
Because for some reason, even the idea of explaining to the officers that this is in fact my house sounds a whole lot better than meeting the demons of my past head on the moment I walk through the door.
I knew this was coming.
Ever since seeing him, the iron box I’ve kept him sealed in and stowed as far back in my mind as possible has slowly crept its way open. And the memories within have been hungry to escape and wreak havoc on their victim.
Me.
Up until now, I’ve been able to successfully distract their advances. If I’m not working or training, I’m finding any and every excuse to be around Sydney.
Just the thought of her soothes the rough waters of my mind. With her, the idea of taking a step forward doesn’t seem as daunting.
She’s always been a sort of safe place for me. An anchor that keeps me from fading into the shell of a man my past has tried to turn me into.
But these past two weeks have been different.
We’ve been different.
This was supposed to be fake.
Hand holding down the pit lanes. A little peck here and there to make the female fans swoon. Outings where paparazzi would just so happen to spot us. Social posts that would reflect the perfect image of a perfect couple.
It was supposed to be a ‘show’ we would put on for everyone else.
And in the beginning, it was.
But lines blurred. Eventually, the connection we presented to the world didn’t crack or fade when doors closed and locked, hiding us away from the only excuse we had to act on this pull both of us seemed to feel towards the other.
Whatever this is between us has slowly shifted from one friend helping out the other, to something I honestly never thought I’d get a taste of.
We may still be hiding behind the flimsy lie of trying to make this believable for everyone, but there’s no denying that with every passing moment, that reason loses its voice.
It never really had one with me though, did it? Because I had already been lying to myself for years when it came to Sydney Collins.
And now that this thing between us is starting to feel less like an act, I’m having trouble finding any true merit in continuing to keep the hopeless notion of calling her mine at bay.
With each passing day, I’m losing my grip on the control I’ve prided myself on when it came to her. Before all of this, I had no problem staying away. Hiding behind harsh words and a standoff demeanor.
And I hated every second of it.
Now, though? I’m a man who would willingly drop to his knees and beg for her to brush even a single finger over my skin.
Just one. Single. Touch. That’s all it takes for me to dive head first into her.
And I’ve been gladly drowning in her every night since she first appeared outside my hotel door in Australia, bringing me one of my favorite desserts in nothing but flimsy sleep shorts and an oversized T-shirt.
It’s been two weeks since we took a sledgehammer to the rules. One in particular. A rule I never thought she’d want to break, but am thanking my lucky fucking stars that she wants to.
That she wants me.
Every time she allows me to touch her, I give her everything. I just hope she can feel how much she means to me and how I don’t take this lightly.
Because if she said the word, I’d stop.
The only thing that matters to me is her happiness and the second it falters, then I will lay myself on a sword to give it back to her.
I told her that I didn’t want to lose us after everything was said and done, but if the best thing for her is me walking away, I’ll do it. Even if every step I take tears another part of my soul apart until there is nothing left but a husk of a man longing to feel whole again.
But I can’t think of that right now. I won’t.
For right now she’s mine. It’s something I never thought I’d get to say. To feel. And if I only get to have this for however long she allows, I’m going to soak up every moment like the greedy bastard I am.
Because once she’s moved on, the memories will have to be enough to keep me going.
It’s been two weeks of living something I’d only ever dreamed of.
Of falling asleep with her next to me and waking up with us wrapped around one another. Whether that’s her practically sprawled on top of me on my side of the bed, or me curled around her completely on her side. Whatever the distance, we keep drifting towards one another.
And I’ve never slept better.
Ever since she entered my bed, my nights aren’t plagued by the nightmares of my past. My chest doesn’t threaten to cave in and I don’t feel like I’m one breath away from losing control.
But now we are home. And Sydney is in her own house—in her own bed—while I’m standing on the street, dreading going to mine.
I’m rocked out of my spiral when my legs are almost swiped out from underneath me. Looking down, I huff a breath and squat. Taking Shadow’s face in my hands, I run my fingers through his dark fur.
A low chuckle rumbles out of my chest as I twist my head to keep his tongue from finding its way inside my mouth when he jumps up, attacking my face with his heavy paws on my shoulders.
“Someone sure is happy that Daddy is home.”
My eyes close at her soft tired voice. I lean my forehead against Shadow’s and sigh. “Yeah, I’ve missed him too.”
I continue to ruffle his dark fur as I look over my shoulder and—holy, fuck me.
Sydney shuffles on her fuzzy-socked feet, her lean legs pressing together when a cool breeze picks up. But my attention snags on the black hoodie she’s wearing.
Have I seen her in my clothes? Yes. Plenty of times. But now I know what exactly my clothes are covering up.
I may not have had the privilege of seeing every single inch of her, but even the smallest amount she’s graced me with is enough to have my cock standing at attention just from the thought of her in nothing but my clothes.
And the way my hoodie swallows her, with no hint of any of her own pajamas underneath, leaves me a bit nervous to stand up at the moment. There’ll be no hiding how this girl makes me feel just by standing there.
“Have you been lurking out here this entire time?” she asks, completely unaware of the effect she’s having on me. It’s the jet lag. I’m just exhausted from the flight. That’s the only reason my body is acting like it’s fifteen and not thirty.
“I am not lurking.”
She hums, tilting her head. “Let’s see. It’s half past one in the morning. The street lights are the only things shining in the darkness, yet you aren’t standing under one. You blend into the shadows with your dark—well, everything. And you’re unmoving, staring at an empty house. That’s lurking.”
The corner of my lips twitch. “If anyone here is lurking, sweetheart, it’s you. Because the definition of it is laying in wait until the time to attack. And last I checked, you’re the one who unleashed the hound on me.”
“I was not waiting to attack.” Shadow whines for more of my attention and I raise a single eyebrow at her. She sighs, throwing her hands out. “He was!”
“Yes, blame the dog. Did he also eat your homework?”
She pouts. “He was snuggled up with me when all of a sudden he started crying. I thought maybe he needed to go to the bathroom, so I got up to let him out. But when I got downstairs, I saw you standing out here and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” I reply automatically. The knee jerk words rolling off my tongue, only this time it tastes like ash.
I never want to lie to Sydney. But I don’t want to drag her under with me either.
“How long have you been out here?” I shrug. Her eyes dart to the side. “Are those your bags?”
“Maybe.” I shift to block the two black duffles, suddenly feeling like a scorned child.
She sighs and takes a step forward. “You haven’t even gone inside yet have you.”
It’s not a question. She already knows the answer but I give her one anyway. “No.”
“Lawson, it’s been almost an hour since you drove us home from the airport.”
Shit. I hadn’t realized how long it’d been, completely lost to the multitude of thoughts battling each other in my head.
“I was just about to go in.”
Another lie. This one leaves a sour taste on my tongue. And I know from her furrowed brows, she doesn’t believe me either.
“I thought you were heading to bed,” I say, trying to change the subject so she won’t ask why exactly I’ve been standing outside my childhood home.
“I was. I tried. But…”
I finally push to stand and Shadow takes off towards the front door of my home. Picking up each of my bags, I turn fully to face her.
“But?” I ask, selfishly needing to know if she’s dreading laying in a bed where I’m not in it. Just like I am at the idea of being without her.
Even in the dark of the night I can still see her cheeks blush. Taking a tentative step forward, I dip my head when she drops hers and catch her eye.
Blowing out a breath, she straightens and licks her lips. “I couldn’t fall asleep. The bed, even with Shadow taking up ninety percent of it… it felt too big. Empty.”
My lips twitch. “Are you saying you couldn’t fall asleep without me next to you?”
Please say yes.
She purses her lips and looks down at her fidgeting hands. “Maybe.”
Close enough.
Taking another step closer to her, I give her a soft smile. “All you have to do is ask, sunshine.”
“Ask what?”
“If you can come over.”
She huffs. “Nevermind, I’ll just catch up on this month’s book club read.”
Turning away from me, she starts to move back towards her house, but I don’t let her make it a single step away. I drop one of my bags and reach out. I snag her hand in mine and pull her back. She stumbles into my chest, her free hand flying up to cover my racing heart.
“Ask me,” I whisper.
“Why should I if you’re just going to make fun of me for it?”
I sigh, shaking my head. “I’m not going to make fun of you for this.” I want it too.
Her eyes dart between mine and I see the hesitancy written all over her face. Shifting closer, I let go of hand and wrap my arm around her waist. “Fine, if you don’t want to ask then I will. Sydney Collins, will you please come over for a sleepover with me tonight?”
“I just thought…” Her words drift on the night breeze and I tighten my arm around her. “I just thought that since we were home, you would want the space. That you wouldn’t want me—”
“I always want you.”
Her eyes shoot up to mine, wide and full of warmth. “Really?”
I nod. “Yeah, sunshine. On the road, at home, it doesn’t matter. For however long you want to keep doing this, my door is always open for you.”
She bites her bottom lips, nerves quickly fading as an amused look takes over. Without thought, my hand moves from her waist and up her body until I’m cupping her cheek. My thumb pulls her lip free and she sucks in a breath as I trace the reddened flesh.
“So, are you going to give me an answer or am I going to have to beg?”
Her mouth twitches and eyes sparkle in the dim street lights. “I don’t know. I kind of like the idea of you on your knees for me.”
A growl vibrates my chest and I clench my jaw. As if realizing what she said, her eyes widen and she squeaks.
“Oh my god, that’s not—” I drop my other bag at the same time as my knees hit the hard street before she can finish trying to take back what she said. “What are you doing?” She laughs.
“You said you wanted me on my knees.” I throw my arms out. “Here I am.”
“You’re bonkers! Oh my god, get up.”
I chuckle as she struggles to pull my heavy, much larger, body up. When I’m towering over her once more, I reach down and pick up my discarded bags. “My place or yours?”
Her smile chases away the last of my nerves. “Yours. I guess I will come have a sleepover with you. You know… since you begged so nicely.” She winks and a laugh bursts out of me as she struts across the street with my dog.
And just like that, it’s a whole lot easier to face the lingering ghosts of my haunted past with her walking by my side.