Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
nate
Can you be both hot and cold yet still physically pull someone into your body? Because that’s the only way I could describe how Olivia reacted after we had sex. I wanted to dig into those emotions, but something made it clear that it would be the wrong thing to do.
Breaking Olivia’s code was going to require me to play the long game, and part of that meant getting her to see that this wasn’t a game to me.
“Your shower is the best-kept secret in this house.” The bathroom off the guest bedroom where I stayed was nice, but this one screamed luxury.
“It was like this when Austin bought the house.”
Another reminder that Austin owned the house. “Are you saying that for my benefit or yours?” I asked, turning on the shower and checking the temperature before we stepped in.
“What do you mean?”
“I know the circumstances of why he bought this house, but at some point, you’re going to need to stop apologizing for it.”
She turned her back on me and pretended to fluff the towels. “Apologize for not being able to support my son? No, I’ll never stop apologizing for that, and I shouldn’t.”
“You don’t see what I see.”
“What do you see, Nate?”
“I see what you sacrifice for your son. It’s so automatic that you don’t even know you’re doing it.
Everything about your life was because you sacrificed your first choice to make the best choice for Cooper.
So if you asked me, you deserve everything you want, and this shower, this house—it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. ”
She tested the water and stepped into the spray, dunking her head—a clear signal that I’d pushed things too far.
I stepped in behind her and grabbed the body wash, flipped the cap, and sniffed it.
It wasn’t an overly feminine scent, but it was her—Olivia—and as I lathered up, I knew that I’d spend the time between now and until my next shower completely distracted because I smelled like her.
“You’re right, and I hate that you’re right. I wanted so much more—but I feel guilty even thinking the words. I don’t resent the sacrifice, because Coop is the best thing I’ve ever done. But I can’t help but wonder where I would be had I finished college.”
“You can still do that.”
“No. Not only is it financially out of my budget, but I also don’t have the emotional fortitude to go there right now. And in eight years, it will be Coop’s turn.”
“Are you happy selling real estate?”
“Most days I am. Last week, I closed a deal on an expensive house; the commission let me put a sizeable chunk of money towards Coop’s college fund. Doing that gives me a rush that I wouldn’t get working in an office role.”
“You hit a homerun.”
She smiled. “Yeah, I guess I did. Now tell me, does that ever get old?”
“I hope not.”
She lathered up in silence and then dipped back under the stream to rinse.
“What’s your biggest fear, Nate?”
“On the field? Or in general?”
“Both.”
“Well, on the field, it’s an injury. I do my best to stay strong and keep fit to prevent injuries, but accidents happen. If you’re lucky, those injuries heal after a game or two. If you’re unlucky, they might cost you a season or a career.”
She nodded. “I understand. Two seasons ago, Austin lost several games thanks to a groin pull. He was a miserable prick during the recovery. But what about outside of baseball?”
If only she’d quit after the first part of the question. This time it was my time to fidget with the shampoo bottle. Instead of answering, I turned her away from the water and massaged the shampoo into her scalp.
“My biggest fear is that my father passed on more to me than my eye and hair color. Or that when it’s my turn to be a father, I’ll fail too.”
“You’ve got years before that.”
That one sentence hurt like hell. Olivia became a mother at exactly my age, and she looked at me and said I wasn’t ready for the same.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
How could I answer that without saying that I wanted more from this relationship than she’d ever give me? She gave her body freely, but her heart was locked down, and if I ever hoped to earn that, I’d need to risk destroying mine in the process.
“What are you talking about? I’m good.” I did my best to cover up my feelings, something I learned after years of looking into the stands at my games and not finding my father there—or, better yet—finding him there drunk.
“You don’t have to pretend with me,” she said, turning off the water and reaching for two towels.
I grabbed both towels from her and wrapped her up first. She looked up, surprised at the small gesture.
God, she was so used to taking care of everyone around her that even this token gesture was unexpected.
“How old were you when Cooper was born?”
“You know this, Nate. Nineteen.”
“How old am I?”
“Almost twenty.”
I didn’t want to question why it was important for her to declare that I was almost twenty.
But it highlighted that my age bothered her.
In the moments when we were together like this, when it was just us—she seemed able to forget about our age difference—but out in the world, she struggled with it.
“So I’m the same as you were when you became a parent, right?”
I wrapped the towel around my waist and stared at her. This beautiful woman still had so much of the girl in her, the one with hopes and dreams.
“Yeah. Great job, Nate. You did basic math.”
“Who around you thought that you were ready to become a mom back then?”
“Exactly one person. Sophie. But not because it was her first choice for me.”
“Look at the great kid you’re raising.”
She smiled. “Somehow, I did one thing right.”
“Raising kids isn’t about doing a single thing right—and it’s not about never making mistakes. It’s about showing up for the important things, loving them when it’s hard. You’ve given him so much, and I think in the process you decided that you can’t take anything for yourself.”
“I have so much—”
“You deserve so much more.”
“Are you hungry?” She made no attempt to hide her deliberate effort to change the subject.
“Starved.”
Patience Nate. You’re not going to crack her walls in one day; she spent years building them.
“I know I mentioned Chinese food earlier. Is that okay with you? It’s probably not the best fuel for your body.”
“I’m in for anything. I can cheat on my diet today.”
She smiled and picked up her phone to order. I swiped it out of her hand and grabbed my phone to take over the ordering. “Nope. I got this.”
She sighed, not entirely comfortable letting me pay the bill, but not looking to argue with me either. Baby steps, Nate. You’ll crack the code.