Chapter 35
THIRTY-FIVE
olivia
I flopped back on the couch after stuffing my face with Chinese food. “So much salt—I love it.”
“Funny story,” he said.
“Tell me.”
“When I first met the trainers, they asked me about my diet. I guess they expected me not to know how to fuel my body. When they asked about junk food, I made it sound like I ate nothing besides chicken, broccoli, and rice. Instead of a lecture on how to eat right, they gave me a lecture on how to take rest days and cheat days.”
“Hmmm.” It made sense. The more I learned about Nate, the more I could see how much of a people pleaser he was—always trying to live up to people’s expectations, never allowing himself to fail. “You don’t have to do that with me, you know.”
“Do what?” He looked at me, confused.
“Be perfect. Do everything right.”
“Maybe I want to see you look at me as more than the kid your brother brought home?”
“Oh, Nate. You’re all fucking man from where I’m sitting.” My eyes crawled up and down his body, his chest still bare from our shower.
“Why do you keep all your relationships solely about sex?” he asked.
“My relationships aren’t sex.” I had a relationship with Sophie, my family, and Cooper. The people I fucked? Nope. Nate was the first time I mixed friendship with sex. The jury was still out on whether that was a mistake.
“Explain. Please,” he demanded.
“I tried with Jason. Not because we were madly in love, but because we had Cooper. I’ve always loved sex and wasn’t shy about what I wanted or needed.
I trusted birth control a little more than I should have and was always careful.
When we got together, we started sleeping together right away.
Which meant that when I got pregnant with Cooper, there was a slight chance he wasn’t Jason’s kid.
It’s why Cooper still has my last name.”
“I don’t see why your failed relationship with Jason makes you unwilling to try again.”
I paused. I had never said the following words out loud, not even to Sophie. Why was Nate pulling them out of me?
“Before Jason, I had never felt ashamed of who I was. But he made me question everything. Was it really me owning my body? Or was it me blatantly abusing it as Jason claimed? But by allowing him in, I allowed him to hurt me—and fuck, it did. And during that time, I was a shitty mom to Cooper. I ignored the signs of postpartum depression and let myself get into a dark place—and all this while I mourned the loss of my mother. Jason was supposed to be my person, but you know who saw what was happening? My brother. So, when I dug myself out of that dark place with my brother’s help, I decided that having a relationship with a man wasn’t worth losing myself. ”
“Did you ever think Jason was the right man for you?”
I swallowed and looked out the window because this was even more difficult to explain. “No. I never thought he was right for me. But I did hope that he’d be right for Cooper.”
“And he’s not.”
“No, he’s not. He’s certainly not enough for Coop.”
“So, you try to fill in the blanks, to be both. To be everything.”
“Yup.”
“You’re never going to do that if you don’t fill your own cup first.”
“Jesus Christ,” I swore. “Have you and Sophie been conspiring behind my back? What self-help drivel have you been listening to?”
He shrugged and moved to clean up the remnants of our dinner. I watched him walk away, unable to tear my eyes away from his ass. “You’re one sexy motherfucker, you know that, right?”
“If I didn’t know that, I’d have figured it out the way you screamed my name when I made you come.”
“Nope—see stars. You made me see stars.”
“Wanna go for a swim? Austin asked me whether I enjoyed my laps. I hate lying, so I kinda feel like I need to at least get in the pool.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t want my choirboy to be forced into a lie.”
Nate made his way back to the couch and scooped me up, tossing me over one shoulder with ease. “Be careful.” I squirmed in his arms, realizing just how far I was off the ground.
“I’d never drop you.” His tone sounded strained when he said it, probably from the weight of carrying me. “Suits or no suits?”
“Umm.” Oh man, did I trust the backyard’s privacy? “No suits. Fuck it.”
“Fuck me.”
“Fuck, yeah.”