Chapter 10 #2
I still catch him looking at my legs when I sit down next to him on the club chairs, and I freaking love the electric buzz that a simple look from him can give me.
In the past it’s always gone hand in hand with dread, but now I can only be happy about it, about feeling this way, about being allowed to feel this way.
I even forget for a while before the game starts that the rest of the world isn’t aware that I’m in love with him. For a little while it feels like we’re simply two guys in love watching a hockey game.
We are not Eli Ellsworth, heir to the Ellsworth empire, and Alexei Jankowski, youngest prodigy of the Jankowski family.
I have to believe that there’s a chance, a real chance, that we can eventually be just that.
Someday, no one will care if they catch Lex looking at my legs, or if someone sees us walking hand in hand down a random street in Manhattan.
Someday all of the things that are wrong right now will be resolved and we’ll be able to be just two guys in love.
Today is not that day, though.
Today we are Eli and Lex, technically stepbrothers and officially best friends, watching a hockey game, watching a legendary team decimate the forever delusionally hopeful New York Demons.
And that has to be enough.
As the game begins, Ruko, Paul, Silas, and Lex go mute next to me, and I resign myself to adding “learn everything about hockey and the NHL” to my never-ending to-do list. It’s something that I should admittedly have done a long time ago, probably around the time that my father married the mother of two hockey prodigies, who, even before they hit their teens, the media was projecting to be the greatest players of their generation.
I’ve been kind of busy, though, but I still feel shitty about the fact that I don’t know nearly enough to have a thorough conversation about it with Lex.
One thing I do know is that Vinny’s team, the Las Vegas Pirates, is freaking good. I understand what the word dynasty means when speaking about professional sports.
As the game goes on, that becomes pretty apparent.
Being up five goals before the third period even begins means that the fans are angry and looking for blood, and the New York players are getting sloppy and desperate.
This actually works even more in Las Vegas’s favor.
Vinny puts up his third goal during the third period, and I know that means he got a hat trick, and that it’s impressive.
Honestly, to me, getting even one goal is pretty impressive, but I guess that’s kind of expected?
In any case, play has to be stopped for about five minutes, because even in New York, so many people throw their hats on the ice, and it takes a long time to clean everything up for them to finally finish the game.
The only thing I can focus on, though, is the fact that once Lex finally sits back down after screaming his celebration for almost those five minutes straight, he throws his arm over the back of my chair, casual as ever.
It feels like potential.
It feels like a possibility.
And though I know I’m probably only kidding myself, miraculously, it also feels like probability.
Eventually, we will be together.
December 24th
With Lottie and her husband Colin having gotten to the house just half an hour after we did yesterday, the holiday celebrations began before dinner.
The team she coaches—the Chicago Deep—won their game yesterday just like Vinny, so everyone’s in good spirits.
And because Lex made a decree that no one is allowed to feel sorry for him, no one backs down from expressing their happiness while we—“the kids”—make a mess of the Christmas tree.
It’s more fun than it has any right to be, and for the first time ever, I feel like I’m actually part of their family.
None of them have ever pushed me away or done anything to make me feel unwelcome, but since Wolf and Hawk are Lex and Vinny’s cousins, and because Si and Lottie are their honorary cousins, I always felt like I was just . . . there.
Even when their significant others—Derek, CJ, and Colin—joined the family one at a time, it still felt like they immediately fit in better than me. They did ask questions about my life, made sure I was included, but it’s not until today that I’ve felt like I’m really surrounded by family.
To be fair, I’m still jumpy, more on edge than is appropriate, but I doubt any of them would blame me if they knew Lex had slept in my bed the past two nights, that he’d held me and let me hold him, and that we still haven’t even fucking kissed.
I’ve always known that I wear my feelings for him on my sleeve, and aside from not saying it outright, I’ve never hidden them. There have always been soft—borderline pitying—smiles aimed at me, but this time the smiles have been wider, more knowing.
I know they think we’re fucking left and right the second we’re out of their sight, and honestly that would be pretty fantastic, but no . . .
It’s ridiculous at this point, for me to be this desperate. If anything, I should be fucking used to it, but I’m not.
I’ve learned and accepted that wanting Lex like I want my next breath isn’t something that will ever go away, it’s not something I’ll ever get used to.
My need for him is a living shadow that follows me wherever I go, and it only grows stronger when I’m this close to him. When I get to feel that addictive calmness he always brings.
Today there are a few good distractions, though, like Vinny grabbing Lex by the back of his collar and dragging him out of the house and to the park for “a chat,” or Elle dragging me into the kitchen to help cook “so I don’t end up as useless in the kitchen as Lyla, Dad, and Ruko,” which is a fair assessment and has everyone laughing because she said it affectionately.
Dazed, and more tired than I ever thought cooking could make me, I’m excused to get ready for dinner once everything is done, and I take my sweet time in the shower, selecting my shimmery red skirt that reaches my ankles but has a high slit to mid-thigh.
I also take longer than usual with my makeup, to make sure my winged eyeliner is symmetrical and the gold glitter on my lids doesn’t transfer. I even put on some blush and juicy gloss on my lips, feeling in the spirit.
It’s been hours since I’ve seen Lex by now, but I did hear the deep baritone of his voice when he came back from his chat with Vinny, so when I’m satisfied with my look for the festivities, I hurry out of my bedroom to find him.
It takes no time at all.
His foot is on the first step up the staircase when I’m walking down, and when he sees me, every ounce of tiredness leaves me.
I take three steps down slowly, letting the slit part and show most of my leg, and I enjoy every tiny movement on Lex’s face.
The way his mouth parts, the way his eyes flit over every inch of me rapidly as if he can’t choose what to focus on until they lock on my lips. He sucks in a deep breath before stepping fully onto the stairs.
I stop two steps above him so we’re eye to eye, and I’m about to fling myself at him when he rests one hand on my waist and brings the other up to my cheek.
“Fuck, angel.” The croaky whisper is possibly the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
“You like it?” I ask, not able to form any more words to specify what.
“I more than like it.” His head bobs in a few nods before his eyes travel down my body again.
That means he leans back, and that just won’t do.
I bring both hands to the sides of his neck and use my thumbs to tilt his chin up. I want him looking right at me.
“Are you happy?”
A slow, satisfied smile grows on his face as he nods again, just once now.
“I am.”
He knows what I’m really asking, what I want, and it brings back that cocky confidence I’ve always loved.
“Then maybe you could—”
The world goes white and silent, as his soft lips finally connect with mine.
It’s sweet and slow for just a moment, a perfect moment that I know I’ll never forget, but then . . .
I part his lips with my tongue, lick inside, desperate all at once for a taste of him, for a chance to show him in a new way how much I love him.
He gives it right back.
Takes one step up to crush our chests together, tilts my head back for better access now that he’s taller than me again, plunges his tongue into my mouth so expertly that I go limp in his arms.
Even with my eyes closed, I feel the flash go off, and I hear the digital sound of a camera shutter.
We both jump back. Lex even loses his balance and steps down before swinging around to see . . .
Hawk.
Wearing an impish, shit-eating grin right as he takes another photo.
“I got it!” he screams at the top of his lungs, so loud he probably damages his vocal cords. Which are insured for fuck-you money, so really, why? He runs away, waving his phone over his head like a lunatic before I can ask, racing back to the family room.
“I win! I got proof,” he keeps shouting. It takes me longer to understand what the hell is happening, and when I do Lex is already running after him.
“Hawk, come back here,” he grumbles loudly.