Chapter 12 - Micah
Istood there, frozen to the spot and without a clue how to respond.
“I… don’t know what to say.” My mind raced and my heart pounded in my chest. I liked Asher.
I did. As a friend, yes, but I was also undeniably attracted to Asher, and he’d noticed if he was saying things like that.
But Asher was straight… right? He’d informed me of that from the beginning.
Everyone had made that abundantly clear.
I didn’t want to get in the habit of messing around with straight guys, not again.
And I didn’t know if I was ready to get into a new relationship so soon after…
But besides all that, I was there to help Asher.
To be his caretaker while he was injured.
There was no reason to complicate things and kissing him again would definitely complicate things.
It would do nothing but complicate things.
My stomach twisted as I thought it over, my breathing tight. I was speechless, and Asher was waiting for a response. I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again, still unsure of what I wanted to say.
Asher frowned and shifted in his bed as if he were going to get up on his own, his gaze firm. “It’s okay if you’re not interested. I just… needed to put it out there.” There was no anger in his voice, just determination.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just… I don’t want to fuck things up here, you know? We’re friends. I don’t want to lose that. Not again, not so soon after we reunited. You know what I mean? I’m sorry.”
His face fell and he looked away, gazing at the carpet. “Yeah. I get it.”
I held out my hand. “Let’s just put it behind us and get the day started.” I tried to sound chipper, hoping he’d accept the pivot, but I could hear the false cheerfulness in my tone. I wasn’t fooling anyone.
He reached out and took my assistance, leaning on my body to get out of bed.
He’d healed enough that he was becoming more mobile, but getting up and down still hurt, especially when he pushed himself.
Plus, his shoulder was still incapacitated.
It had only been a few days since the accident, after all.
Once he was steady on his feet, he looked at me again.
“If you change your mind, the offer stands. I won’t push you or cross any lines, but I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, either.” He nodded as he said it, as if he was reassuring himself, standing there watching me for a reaction.
I took a deep breath. “Don’t say that. I don’t…
” I don’t what? Don’t want to kiss you? Don’t want to touch you, to feel your body pressed against mine, don’t want it more than I’ve ever wanted anyone?
Don’t want it so bad it haunts my dreams?
Anything I said other than an enthusiastic yes would be a lie, so I bit the words back.
“I should get going. Work. It’s getting late.
” I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I was terrified.
Scared that we’d rekindled our friendship, just for it to come crashing down around us if we tried to push it any further.
I’d been fully prepared to ignore the desire burning inside of me, and I needed to clutch onto that feeling and accept it sooner rather than later.
“Sure,” he murmured, his throat bobbing as he swallowed.
Don’t stare at his throat. Do not stare at his throat. “You good here?”
He nodded silently.
“Okay, then. I’ll see you after work.”
“Yep.”
I let that be my dismissal cue and left. “Bye.” I hurried back to my room to grab my keys before heading out the door and driving myself to the job site.
The entire drive to work, my gut churned and my mind turned over the events of the previous twelve hours or so.
Over and over, I remembered what had happened, my brain unable to focus on anything else.
Every time I remembered the kiss, my body flushed with heat and my stomach fluttered with desire.
Once I’d arrived at the site of the old post office, I busied myself with work in an attempt to stay distracted.
By lunch, though, I’d replayed the kiss in my head at least a hundred more times, and made little progress on the set design I’d been sketching out for the finale episode.
I sighed in frustration and slammed the sketchbook shut just as Kieran entered the trailer.
“Okay, Mopey. Time for lunch.”
I looked at him, eyebrows raised. “Mopey?”
“You’ve clearly got something heavy on your mind. You’ve been moping around here all day like a pitiful eighth dwarf. Mopey.”
I rolled my eyes and smirked at him. “Are you the princess in this scenario?”
He snorted and settled into a chair across from me. “Pillow princess, maybe.”
It caught me by surprise and I laughed out loud. “Okay,” I said, knowing he was anything but. I’d heard way too much about his sex life to think he was in any way not a giver in the bedroom.
“It’s fine, we all know I’m royalty either way,” he said dramatically, affecting a posh accent. “I’m not letting you get away without telling me what’s going on though.”
“Come on, Kier,” I muttered. “Give a guy some space.”
“Fine, fine. I’ll let it go—for now.”
“What did you come in here for, anyway?”
“I’m starving, that’s why. I thought you might be, too. What’s for lunch? You want to go somewhere, or grab takeout?”
We agreed on the takeout—I wasn’t in any shape to sit in a restaurant and try not to confess what was on my mind—and less than a half hour later, we were back to the trailer, settled in with burritos from the Mexican restaurant up the street.
Kieran unwrapped his burrito carefully and put it down on the plate in front of him. I frowned, not sure what he was doing, but before I took a single bite, Kieran cleared his throat. “Now tell me what’s going on.”
I exhaled slowly before deliberately taking a bite of burrito to avoid answering.
Kieran raised his eyebrows but otherwise waited patiently, not even touching his lunch.
He just kept his gaze locked on me and drummed his fingers on the desk.
When I had finished chewing and swallowing, I couldn’t avoid it any longer.
I put my lunch down and recounted my problems matter-of-factly.
“It’s nothing. Last night, when I was helping him get to bed, Asher kissed me.
Then he apologized. And then this morning, he said he wanted to do it again. So yeah.”
“Wow.”
“I know.”
“No. I meant, wow, you managed to tell that story as dryly as if you were reading the phone book. How do you feel about it?”
“Feel?”
“Yeah. How do you feel?”
“Alright, what are you, my therapist?”
He snorted. “I’m your best friend.”
“Right.” I was silent for a moment. “I don’t know.” The word liar screamed through my mind. I did know, I knew exactly how I felt, but I wasn’t sure I could admit it out loud. “Conflicted,” I hedged.
“Why?”
I scowled at him. I knew what he was getting at and I hated that he was going to make me admit it out loud. “God, you’re the worst. Because I like him. I liked it. But, you know, I’m his friend. I’m just there to make sure he heals well. Not to take advantage of him.”
Another snort. “You’re not exactly taking advantage if he initiated it and you both want it.”
I closed my eyes for a second, my chest and shoulders tight. “Remember Alan?”
He nodded slowly. “I do remember Alan, the straight guy who burned you. Do you honestly think Asher is going to do that?”
“No,” I said very quietly, shaking my head.
“So what’s the problem?”
“What if he decides he doesn’t want to be friends after this?”
“You just said you didn’t think he’d do that. But let’s play that out. What if? Friendships end for all sorts of reasons. Nothing is guaranteed. Wouldn’t you rather go for it and see what happens? The risk is worth the reward, don’t you think?”
I hated it when Kieran got all wise on me. “But…”
“No. No buts. You go home tonight and you tell him how you feel. Get another kiss from that man.”
“I—” I cut myself off and let out a long exhale. “You’re right. There’s no good reason. Risk versus reward and all that. I’m going to tell him how I feel.”
Kierna nodded triumphantly. “Good. Now, eat your burrito before we have to get back to set.”
The rest of the day went relatively smoothly.
I did my best to keep focused on my work, shoving thoughts of Asher aside every time they popped up, which was often.
Every time someone climbed a ladder, every time I saw Tyler, his apprentice, hell, even watching Jake instruct someone on how to properly remove trim without damaging it—all of those things and more brought thoughts of Asher back to the surface.
And every thought of Asher made my stomach do somersaults and my heart flutter.
Finally, the workday ended. Kieran gave me a grin and a thumbs-up as I got into the car.
On the way home, in an effort to stall, I stopped by the grocery store to grab something for dinner, even though there were plenty of groceries still at his house.
I paced the aisles for a while, trying to decide what to cook, listlessly tossing junk food into the basket.
Finally, I settled on a rotisserie chicken, which meant less effort on my part, and hopefully meant more time for figuring out whatever was going on.
When I thought about what to say and tried to imagine how he’d react, I anticipated a long conversation unfolding in the living room, TV playing softly in the background.
I didn’t want to try to focus on having a serious, heartfelt conversation and cooking a meal at the same time.
I was bound to use sugar instead of salt or something.
I knew this conversation would take all of my brainpower.
When I was done at the store, I got in my car and headed back home.
Well, to Asher’s home. I couldn’t let myself get in the habit of thinking of the temporary arrangement as being home either.
It was too dangerous. Too risky. I could get my heart broken too easily.
I tapped the steering wheel anxiously the whole drive.
All the ways things could blow up ran through my mind.
He might have changed his mind. Maybe he’d realized that he was straight after all.
I didn’t know if I wanted to put my heart on the line like that.
Or worse, he’d decide he was straight after we started getting physical, and decide halfway through me giving him a blow job that it was too gay for him.
My heart hurt just thinking about the risks.
As I pulled into the driveway, I sighed and shook my head.
Maybe I was overthinking things. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.
And he was the one who’d initiated it. Asher probably valued our friendship as much as I did.
He said he’d be fine if we decided to stay friends instead of pursuing this thing.
My head hurt from all of the anxious thinking.
As I headed inside, my heart pounding in my ears, I steeled myself for whatever was about to happen.