Chapter 11
Milow
I wasn’t as fearless or strong as my younger self would’ve liked me to be.
I was anxious all the time, and some days, I couldn’t figure out how not to seem weak.
I was smart, though, which was at least something good, but it didn’t cancel out the rest of it.
I was still vulnerable, and I pretended I was fine just so no one would worry.
I hated seeing that look on my family’s and friends’ faces when they thought something was wrong with me, so I made sure they never saw it.
At first, it was easy. I was younger, and hiding things was simple.
As I got older, it became harder to keep everything contained and carry it all without letting it show.
Speaking about it felt impossible, because that would mean exposing even more of myself, and vulnerability only seemed to invite more problems.
God, I sounded unbearable even inside my own head. Of course, no one would want to sit there and watch me complain about my thoughts and feelings.
So I did what I always did. I pushed everything down and moved on with my day like nothing was wrong. Summer break was over, and school had started again this week, which meant schedules, expectations, and piles of work waiting to be done.
Not that the workload bothered me. I always asked for extra assignments anyway, because I finished what the teachers gave us during class or lunch.
I liked keeping my brain busy. Reading the same kinds of books or doing Sudokus and crosswords every day wasn’t enough anymore.
It didn’t compare to learning something new, to being challenged, and feeling like my mind was doing exactly what it was supposed to do.
It was Friday, and I had just gotten home from school.
Tonight there was supposed to be a back-to-school party at Scottie’s house.
Of course, I wanted to go. I just hadn’t asked Mom and Dad yet, and since I was only sixteen, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to bring it up out of fear of their answer.
However, I had a feeling they’d say yes.
They wanted me to do things, to go out, to have fun.
To experience new things. They wanted me to live.
I wanted that too, at least in theory. In reality, I often struggled to fit in, no matter how much I tried.
The reason was my silence.
Mom and Dad never pushed me to talk. They never told me to use my voice, never acted like it was something I could simply decide to do. I appreciated that more than they probably knew. But the truth was, if I could have spoken, I would have done so a long time ago. I wanted to. I just couldn’t.
Ever since I was little, people had told me I had selective mutism.
That I was one of those kids who had gone through a lot of trauma, who had shut down and stopped talking because of it.
They said that one day I would choose to speak again, because I had once used my voice, and that meant it was still there.
And I knew I had spoken before, something didn’t add up.
“Hey, Milow.”
I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed anyone else was in the house.
I turned my head and saw Evie sitting on the couch, her smile as soft and warm as it always was.
Her brown eyes had a kindness that made everyone feel at ease.
Ever since she and Wesley got together, she had spent every holiday and every birthday with us.
Now that they both graduated from university earlier this year, she was here even more.
She practically lived here, though they were planning to move into their own apartment.
Dad was completely on board with that, saying they were old enough and had their near future figured out.
Mom would keep them here forever if she could. I wouldn’t have minded that either.
I smiled back at her, set my backpack down, and walked into the living room. [Hi, Evie. What are you doing?]
Like everyone close to me, Evie had learned to sign. I had never asked anyone to do it for me. They just did, out of love, out of patience, out of wanting to include me without making a big deal out of it.
“Oh, I’m just looking through some of Iris’s old cookbooks. I want to make something for dinner tonight because she won’t be home from work until later.” She glanced down at the thick book resting in her lap, lips pursed in thought. “I’m just not sure what yet…”
I sat down beside her, tucking my legs under me as I leaned in to look at the open page. I pointed at the picture of eggplant parmigiana, then waited until she looked at me before signing again. [This one looks delicious.]
“Hm, yeah… but Wesley isn’t so keen on eggplants.”
I pressed my lips together and glanced back down at the cookbook, scanning the page once more before lifting my hands. [You can make half of it like a normal lasagna. It’s practically the same.]
“You’re right.” She nodded, already convinced. “I’ll do that.”
Satisfied, I pushed myself up from the couch. [I have to put my things away. Can I help you cook after?]
“I’d love that,” she said, smiling up at me.
[Great. Where’s Wesley, by the way?]
“He’s in bed. He had a pretty intense practice this morning. He’s just resting for a bit.” Then she tilted her head. “What about Ashby? Didn’t you drive home with him?”
I usually did. Almost always. But today had been different. After school, I went to the library. I needed a few books, and even though Ashby would’ve waited without complaining, I didn’t want to keep him waiting. I’d assumed he’d be home before me anyway.
I shrugged lightly. [No. I haven’t seen him since lunch.]
Evie nodded and turned back to the cookbook. I headed for the stairs and slung my backpack over one shoulder.
Upstairs, my room greeted me just the way I’d left it this morning.
The bed was perfectly made, and the room was orderly, with every single thing sitting neatly in its place.
I closed the door behind me and set my backpack on the chair before unzipping it.
Books came out first, and I stacked them neatly on the desk.
Then I pulled out my notebook and pencil case.
After making a mental to-do list for the weekend and getting excited about all the extra work I took home today, I went back downstairs and found Evie in the kitchen.
She was pulling ingredients from the fridge and setting them out on the counter.
I washed my hands and took the knife she handed me, starting on the vegetables while she worked on the sauce.
At some point, the front door opened and closed again, and Ashby’s voice echoed through the hallway.
“Milow!”
“She’s here,” Evie called back.
A second later, Ashby appeared in the kitchen doorway. He was wearing his hat backward as usual, with his messy hair peeking out from underneath, and one of his vintage t-shirts. His eyes found me immediately, and relief flickered there before being replaced by worry.
“I was looking all over school for you,” he said, stepping fully into the kitchen. “And you didn’t text me back.”
I froze for half a second, then remembered... [I left my phone at home.]
His brows pulled together. “All day?”
I nodded.
He let out a breath and ran a hand over his face. “Jesus, Milow. I thought something happened. You weren’t at your locker. You weren’t in the parking lot. I checked the library and the study rooms. Stan said he hadn’t seen you after school, either.”
Guilt settled heavily in my chest. I hadn’t meant to make him worry so much. [I went to the library. I needed books. I didn’t mean to—]
“I know,” he said quickly. “I know. I just… I was worried.”
Evie glanced between us. She always had that look in her eyes, like she knew something we didn’t. “Why don’t you sit for a second, Ash?”
He huffed but didn’t sit. Instead, he stepped closer to me, lowering his voice. “Next time, just come find me and let me. Okay?”
I nodded again, my gaze lifting to meet his dark brown eyes.
Ashby had changed a lot over the years. He was tall, well over six feet, with broad shoulders and strong arms from years of training.
His swim team demanded it from their best swimmer, and he took that responsibility seriously.
His body had grown, becoming something entirely different from the boy he used to be.
Not that I minded. He looked healthy and handsome.
But his eyes had never changed. They were still kind, still full of loyalty and an easy, unmistakable warmth that always made me feel safe and loved.
He relaxed then, his shoulders dropping as his gaze stayed on me.
He eyed me carefully, then his hand moved, squeezing mine once before letting go again.
The small gesture sent a familiar jolt through me.
It wasn’t unusual for us to hold each other’s hands.
We had been doing it since we were little.
It was comforting, but lately his touch made me nervous.
“I’m gonna shower,” he told us.
I nodded as a small smile tugged at my lips. I watched him turn and head for the stairs, already reaching back to take his cap off his head as he went. I listened to his footsteps until they disappeared upstairs, only realizing how closely I’d been watching him.
Evie didn’t say anything right away. She just hummed to herself, pretending to focus very hard on chopping vegetables, though the corners of her mouth kept lifting like she was holding back something she found very amusing.
“You know,” she said casually, not looking at me, “most boys don’t run all over school looking for someone unless they really like them.”
I felt my face flush instantly and dropped my eyes to the counter. She knew Ashby always worried about me. It didn’t matter in what context. Whenever I wasn’t close to him, he always made sure I was okay. Even when we were in class, he sent me short texts, and I always responded with a thumbs up.
“And most people,” she continued, finally glancing at me with a knowing smile, “don’t look at someone the way you two just did unless there’s more going on than either of you is ready to admit to.”
I shot her an embarrassed look, and she laughed quietly with a shake of her head. “I think it’s very sweet.”
[He’s just extra worried every time a new school year starts. Because of the changes and all.]
“I know, I know.” Evie smiled softly, reaching out her hand to squeeze my arm. “And I’m glad you two have each other as best friends.” She turned back to the counter and continued cleaning up. “If I hadn’t had Wesley during high school and college, I don’t think I would’ve made it through.”
They had been best friends once, too. Until one day, Wesley just openly admitted his love for her in front of his whole hockey team. And the whole town. Because he did it on the ice after they won the state championship.
It was the sweetest thing I ever witnessed, but it didn’t come as a surprise. I knew they were meant to be together. I knew from the day I saw that one interaction at the pool many years ago.