Chapter 46
Milow
I was sitting cross-legged on my bed, with a pencil clutched in my left hand while my right rested uselessly on my knee.
Scottie had drawn on the cast during lunch one day, covering it with flowers and hearts, and every time I looked at them, I was reminded that nothing cruel or violent could ever outweigh the love I was surrounded by.
I lifted my gaze from the worksheet in my lap and studied the cast for a moment, my eyes lingering on the small “I love you” Ashby had written on it.
Smiling, I turned my head to look at him where he sat behind me on the bed, leaning back against the headboard with a history book open in his hands.
When he noticed me staring, his eyes lifted to mine.
His smile made my heart stumble in my chest, and my head went a little light. I sucked in my cheeks, trying to keep the shyness from taking over completely. The way he affected me had never faded, not once, and I didn’t think I would ever be able to be casual when it came to him.
He set the book aside and shifted closer, settling behind me with his legs on either side of mine, one knee bent so he could rest his elbow on it. He pressed a soft kiss to my shoulder before glancing down at my homework. “Are you finished?” he asked quietly.
I shook my head, though the truth was that I didn’t really care anymore.
I set the pencil down and turned toward him between his legs, leaning back into his chest as his arms came around me without hesitation.
I rested my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes, letting myself sink into the warmth of him.
He rubbed along my back and down my arm, his steady breathing keeping me calm. “How are you feeling?”
He asked me that every day now, ever since the hospital, and my answer was always the same.
I felt okay and safe. And it was because of him, because of all of them, constantly making sure I was.
Ashby barely left my side anymore. At school, he was always waiting right outside my classroom door, like he was afraid something might happen in the seconds he couldn’t see me.
I appreciated how deeply he cared, but I could also see what it cost. His focus at school had slipped, and the nights he came home from practice, he looked drained and tense.
He hadn’t let himself rest at all. His mind was always somewhere else, stuck on worst-case scenarios, and on making sure I was protected at all times.
I wished I could tell him not to worry so much, to take care of himself too, but I knew it wouldn’t change anything. He was already too far inside his own fear, too focused on keeping me safe. He kept pushing his own feelings aside as if they didn’t matter nearly as much as mine.
Mom and Dad had noticed it too, the way he was unravelling quietly, and they had already tried to talk to him about it more than once.
But Ashby wouldn’t listen, brushing it off every time like it wasn’t a problem.
Even Wesley had stepped in, trying to explain that I really was okay, and that losing focus would only make things worse in the long run.
But Ashby couldn’t hear any of it. He was too focused on me, too afraid that if he let his guard down even for a second, something terrible would happen again.
I drew a slow breath and straightened my spine to look at him.
I studied his face, noticing how tired he looked.
He watched me just as intently, his own gaze wandering over my face, and I saw the exact second he registered the plea that was lingering inside me.
His jaw clenched as a flicker of defiance flashed in his eyes, but instead of the conversation I planned on having, his hand came up to cradle my cheek.
His thumb brushed my skin before he lowered his head, and his lips were on mine, not giving me a chance to sign.
Annoyingly, his plan to distract me worked.
The kiss deepened instantly as he tilted his head to the side, and his fingers came up to tangle in my hair.
I arched into him instinctively, my hand fisting the fabric of his shirt to keep him right there.
A low sound rumbled in his chest when I traced the seam of his lips with my tongue, and when I pulled him closer, he met my touch without hesitation.
His tongue swept against mine slowly, sending a shiver through me.
My toes curled, and a feeling I had tried to ignore many times before made itself noticeable again, sending small, exciting jolts from between my legs all through my body.
A wave of shyness made me want to pull away, but the thought of not touching him right now was impossible.
His grip in my hair tightened just a little, and he used it to guide me, to turn me without breaking the kiss.
I went willingly as he shifted his weight, his hands moving to my waist now, and with a soft grunt of effort, he lifted me.
He settled me onto his lap as he leaned back against the headboard.
My legs were on either side of his, my knees sinking into the mattress.
I lifted my right hand and rested the cast on his shoulder.
As useless as that hand was, I still needed to use it to touch him somehow.
My other arm slid around his neck, my fingers tangling in the hair at his nape as I pressed myself closer, wanting more of that feeling between my legs, and more of him.
His hands dug into my hips, and as he pulled me forward, I felt the hardness in his sweatpants. The pressure grew against me as I moved my hips, unable to control myself. I couldn’t sit still.
He met my movements, lifting his own hips in a slow rhythm that made my breath catch.
His hands held me tightly, guiding me and pressing me down onto him until the friction was almost too much.
Every roll of his hips sent a new wave of pleasure through me, and the kiss turned more passionate as my fingers tightened in his hair.
I was completely lost in the feeling. He pressed me harder against him, and I felt him hard right against my core, and through the thin layers of our clothes. It was so overwhelming that it made my head spin.
He broke the kiss as his breathing became more ragged, and he kept his face close to mine when he asked, “Is this okay?”
I swallowed and nodded, my own heart pounding against my ribs so hard I could hear it in my ears.
He let out a shaky breath as his forehead rested against mine before he leaned back enough to look into my eyes.
“Milow… I know you want me to stop worrying, and I’m trying.
I swear, I’m trying,” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly.
“But I can’t just push this aside. I want to look out for you.
I want to keep you safe. And I’m still giving my all for myself. But… please give me time.”
His honesty loosened something in me that had been tight for days. He was asking me to be patient, just like he had been patient with me since we were little. The thought of that made my emotions bubble up, and my eyes started to water.
I moved my fingers through his hair, taking in his pleading face when I nodded. Through all this, I wasn’t asking him to stop caring. I didn’t want him to lose himself trying to protect me.
Moving my hand from his hair to his chest, I felt his heartbeat under my palm. I held his gaze and gave him another small nod, hoping he could read everything I couldn’t say. That I trusted him, that I wasn’t going anywhere, and that we would figure this out together.
“I love you,” he whispered, his nose gently nuzzling my jaw. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
I believed him. Even when I knew how hard it would be to watch him put his needs aside, I trusted he wouldn’t lose himself in the process.