Chapter 48
Ashby
Milow came into my room early that morning, even before I had packed my duffel for today’s swim meet.
She smiled the moment our eyes met, and the urge to cancel the competition and stay home with her all day hit me hard.
I’d disappoint Ruben and my whole family, but being close to her was more important to me.
She lifted her left hand in a small wave, and I reached out to pull her closer. I cupped her face with both hands and leaned down to kiss her. She melted into me right away, and I held her there a second longer than necessary, then pulled back and looked at her again.
“You’re up early,” I said. My eyes stayed on her face. I needed to see it. It had been three weeks now, and there was almost nothing left of the injury. The bruises had vanished almost completely, but even with them, she had looked beautiful.
She smiled again as she stepped back. She reached under her left arm, and that was when I noticed the rolled piece of thick paper tucked there. She pulled it free and unrolled it with both hands. Her right hand was still in a cast, but she could use her fingertips to hold the paper.
The poster was colorful, with large, black bubbly letters that read MAKE WAVES, CHAMP!
I smiled and took it in, admiring every single word and every scribble I knew she had made herself. “It’s perfect.” I looked at her again and cupped the side of her face to caress her cheek. “Thank you, Milow.”
Her smile widened. She rolled the paper back up and placed it on the bed beside my bag. Then her left hand lifted, and I watched her fingerspell.
[You’ll be great today. I’m proud of you.]
Her words made me feel like I could do anything.
And still, I wasn’t proud of myself the way she was proud of me.
I hadn’t been focused. I had let everything important slide.
Training. School. My own standards. I had pushed them all aside, and I knew I wasn’t living up to what I expected from myself.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair as my gaze dropped to the floor. “I’m not sure it’s worth even competing today.”
Her hand reached out. Her fingers slid under my chin and lifted my head.
When I met her eyes again, I saw the worry there.
I knew exactly what she was thinking. She had been telling me for weeks not to worry about her.
To focus on practice and put myself first. And I hadn’t listened. Not once. Not to her or anyone.
Her hand lifted again. [You’ll give your all, and I know it’ll be enough. We’ll be in the stands cheering you on.]
A smile pulled at my mouth, but it didn’t feel real.
I even pushed her attempts to make me feel better away, and it hurt so damn bad because she didn’t deserve it. It felt like I was doing everything wrong. I wanted to be there for her, yet I kept failing in all the ways that mattered.
[You’re a great swimmer, and you’re an even better boyfriend. Please don’t lose yourself.]
I forced myself to hold onto her words, to carry them with me into the water. Until then—until I had to focus on my strokes and my breathing—I would keep her right at the top of my mind.
__
My head spun every time I broke the surface to take a breath.
My body moved, but I didn’t feel like I was doing anything to make it happen.
The cheers around the aquatic center blurred into a dull noise that made it hard to think.
I couldn’t see their faces, but I could feel the disappointment.
Everyone could see I wasn’t swimming like I usually did.
My power was gone, my arms and legs didn’t move with the strength I had spent years building.
By the time I reached the end of the lane and grabbed the starting block, I knew I had lost. I didn’t have to look around me to understand, and I stayed in the water, letting the shame settle into me. The weight was one I couldn’t shake, and I let it pull me under until my lungs screamed with pain.
Hands wrapped around my arms, pulling me out of the pool.
“Breathe, buddy,” Jasper said, his hands firm on my back, patting me gently as I hunched over with my hands on my knees. “Come on, dude, deep breaths.”
He shouldn’t have been here. He should’ve been celebrating, soaking in the win he’d earned. I didn’t have to look up to know he won our race. The three other guys in the final hadn’t stood a chance, and between us, he had dominated. And I had… I had barely moved.
I coughed, the burn in my chest relentless as I tried to expel the water and pull in air. Each breath rattled my ribs and made me feel weak. When I finally managed a long, shaky inhale, I straightened up as best I could and ripped my goggles and cap off, fisting them with my hands.
“Come on, let’s get him to the back,” Ruben said. I could hear the anger and disappointment in his voice. I didn’t have to guess what he’d say once we were alone, and I braced myself for it. I had failed him, myself, and everyone. And the worst part of it all was, I had known that I would.
Every step toward the changing rooms felt heavy as I carried the shame in my own arms. My legs burned, my lungs screamed, and all I could see in my mind was her face: her smile, the poster, her pride. And I had thrown it all away.
Jasper helped me sit down on the bench and stayed close, his hand resting on my shoulder. Ruben paced back and forth in front of us, the tension in the room so thick it was uncomfortable. I let my head hang and rested my elbows on my knees, waiting for him to start and let me have it.
Ruben finally stopped pacing. The silence that followed was worse than his angry footsteps. I heard him take a deep breath, then he crouched down in front of me. I didn’t look up. I couldn’t. I just stared at the wet floor, at the water dripping from my hair and pooling around my feet.
“Ashby,” Ruben’s voice was low, and to my surprise, it wasn’t angry anymore. “Look at me.”
I slowly lifted my head. His face wasn’t hard with disappointment; it was etched with a concern that felt more painful than any lecture could have been.
“That wasn't you out there,” he said, his eyes searching mine. “And I need to know if you understand that what happened today had nothing to do with your training or your talent.” He paused, and his gaze softened. “You’ve been going through something. We all see it. You’ve been carrying this heaviness for a while now, and you’ve been trying to carry it alone. ”
My throat went tight. I tried to swallow, but it was useless.
“Listen to me,” he said, his voice firm but gentle.
He placed a hand on my knee with a steadying pressure.
“Being a great swimmer isn’t about winning every race.
It’s about having the strength to get back in the water after a bad day.
It’s about knowing when to fight and when to rest.” He squeezed my knee.
“Right now, your fight isn’t in that pool.
Your fight is in here.” He tapped his own temple.
“And that’s a hell of a lot harder. I get it. ”
He stood up, and his shadow fell over me. “I’m not disappointed in you, kid. I’m worried about you. The only person you failed today was the guy who thought he had to be perfect for everyone.”
I broke then. I wasn’t sure why I had expected him to tear me down even more, but he had done the opposite. He hadn't yelled. He hadn't lectured. He’d just seen me, all the way through the failure and the shame.
A choked sob escaped me, and I buried my face in my hands.
The tightness I had felt inside of me for the past weeks was easing, and the shame and fear I’d been pushing down came pouring out in heavy tears.
I felt so small, so stupid for thinking I had to carry it all, for letting my pride get in the way of letting anyone help, for not believing in myself enough to be strong for Milow, but also for myself.
I had been selfless when nobody, especially Milow, had expected me to be.
Ruben didn’t hesitate. He moved closer again, and his hands came down firmly on my shoulders. I started to shake, and I couldn’t stop it. I reached out, my hand fisting the fabric of his shirt, needing something to hold on to.
He didn’t pull away. He sank back down onto his knees in front of me, then he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug.
I crumpled against him, my forehead resting on his shoulder as I let myself cry.
He just held me, one hand rubbing my back while the other cupped the back of my head.
“It’s okay,” he murmured. “Let it out. Just breathe. I’ve got you.”
Jasper was still there, his hand giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze.
I needed to thank them both for being here, for pulling me from the edge in my own head.
They had always been there to catch me. But as much as they had propped me up, I knew the rest was on me.
I had to be the one to find my footing and to make sure I could stand steady on my own and not fall back down.
But most of all, I had to stop making Milow worry about me because she deserved someone who could stand on his own, someone strong enough to let her breathe without carrying my mess on top of hers. I had to prove to myself that I could be that person for her, but also for myself.
__
[I’m glad you’re feeling better,] Milow signed, her fingers moving carefully with just her left hand.
She was sitting in front of me on the bed that same evening, with her legs crossed, and her expression soft. She was watching me patiently as if she could see every thought running through my head.
I placed my hands on her knees, letting them slide slowly up and back down along her thighs. “Me too.”
[I was so scared,] she signed, her brows knitting together.
“I know.” I let out a shaky sigh and drew in a deep breath.
I had been scared, too. My mind had shut down, and I had let my body sink into the pool without control.
I was lucky that Ruben and Jasper had pulled me out in time, realizing immediately what had happened. “But I’m okay now. My mind is clearer.”
She stayed quiet, watching me closely, and giving me the space to find the right words.
“I’m sorry I made you worry so much,” I said. “I’ve caused more trouble than I meant to. I lost myself, even though I promised you this morning that I wouldn’t.”
Her hand came up, and her fingers brushed through my hair in a calming gesture.
Then her hand cupped my cheek, and I leaned into it, closing my eyes for a moment before meeting her gaze again.
“I know I can’t take back what happened,” I said, keeping my voice low.
“But I can promise you I’ll try harder. I’ll keep myself together.
I don’t want you worrying about me ever again. ”
Her eyes softened, and I kept going, feeling the words spill out.
“I need to be better for you. For us. I’ve been letting everything slip, and I hate that I made you scared. I just… I don’t want to lose myself again, and I don’t want to make you pay for it.”
Her hand stayed on my cheek, her thumb brushing my skin gently.
“I want to be someone you can count on. Someone steady. Not someone who falls apart in front of you. And I promise you, Milow, I’ll be that someone from now on.”
Milow’s eyes filled with tears, and I wanted to curse myself for making her feel sad again. But when she moved, I understood that she wasn’t upset. Those were happy tears, and my body eased with relief.
She shifted forward and wrapped her arms around me, and I instinctively wrapped mine around her too, holding her tight. My face was buried in her shoulder, as I felt her heartbeat against my chest.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I always have, Milow, and I forever will.”
She squeezed me tighter, and I’d hold her for as long as she wanted me to.