11. Lilian
Chapter 11
Lilian
Finishing what I started? What did he mean?
Is that another one of his tricks?
Is he trying to mess with my head, to make me doubt myself?
I wouldn’t put it past him. Sebastian always knew how to push my buttons and get under my skin in the worst and, unfortunately, best ways.
And damn him, it’s working. Days later, I’m still thinking about it.
The way his eyes raked over me, dark with barely restrained hunger. The feel of his lips grazing my skin as he licked away the droplets of spilled wine. His deep timbre voice in my ear, igniting a fire low in my belly.
I stare into my glass of wine, watching the crimson liquid swirl, Gemma, Mary, and the bar taking a backseat in my mind. They don’t need to know how much I’m hurting, not when they have their own problems to deal with.
Spying on him.
The accusation echoes in my mind, taunting me. As if I would ever stoop so low, especially after everything we’ve been through, and especially after I chose him, defying my uncle .
“Ugh, Elijah is such an ass.” Gemma picks up one of the shots in the middle of the table and raises it. “Here’s to the assholes who break our hearts.”
I didn’t even notice the waiter bringing them. Mary and I each take one and clink them with Gemma’s.
“Why does he have to be engaged to her?” She drinks another one.
I join her, taking the last one. Why does Sebastian get to move on while I’m left here, trying to fill the void he left behind? “An absolute jerk.”
Maybe if I drink enough, I can drown out the memories, the what-ifs, the maybes. I signal for the waitress, but Gemma takes my hand down.
“It’s time to confront him.” She stands up, grabs her stuff, and wobbles toward the exit.
I hurry after her outside. “Are you sure you want to do this now?”
“Absolutely,” Gemma says.
I put on my jacket. “Think about this. Maybe it would be better to have this conversation when you’re sober.”
“And give him a chance to weasel his way out of it? I don’t think so.”
I glance at Mary for help, but she has already hauled a cab. “I’m all for it.”
Fan-fucking-tastic.
During the ride, Gemma rehearses her speech with us, going through all the possible answers Elijah could give. Too soon, the cab comes to a stop, and we follow her inside the lobby.
She walks up to the receptionist’s desk, and after a few minutes, the receptionist gestures to the elevator, Gemma disappearing in it.
“Do you think she’ll actually go through with it?” Mary asks.
“Knowing Gemma?” She’s never been one to back down from a challenge. “Absolutely. For better or worse, she’s doing this. ”
Mary sighs, shoulders slumping. “I hope it all goes well.”
“Me, too.”
I’m about to check my phone when I spot Sebastian emerging from the second elevator.
“Uh, I feel a bit sick,” I say. “I’ll go outside.”
“Fine. But don’t disappear.”
I rush outside, my heart hammering against my ribcage. The cool night air hits my face, but it does nothing to calm my nerves. Why is he here?
I slump against the building, closing my eyes. Of all people, why him?
“Running away again, princess?”
My eyes snap open.
Sebastian stands before me, hands in his pockets, and that infuriatingly sexy smirk on his lips.
“I’m not running.” I straighten, crossing my arms. “I needed some air.”
“Sure you did.” He steps closer, his cologne invading my senses. “Are you drunk?”
“No, I—” I falter, not wanting to lie. “Serena.” Fantastic, my brain doesn’t work anymore.
“What about her?”
“Nothing, forget it. Guess I’m another one on your list.” What’s done is done. I need to accept that he’s moved on and so should I.
“Another one on my list?” Sebastian’s voice drops low, a dangerous edge creeping in. “Why are you here?”
“I… Well, Gem… she—” I cover my mouth before I say anything else. What if Sebastian doesn’t know about them?
“Lil.”
I speak through my hands, “Why are you here? ”
“I live here.”
“Oh.” My hands fall to the side. “I have to go.” I take a sidestep, trying to get away, but my foot catches on the uneven edge of the pavement.
He catches me. “You’re drunk. I’ll take you home.”
“No.” I try to get out of his hold. “I don’t need your help.”
His voice drops. “Lil.”
“I said no!” I try to push him away, but his grip only tightens. “Let me go.”
“So you can trip again and hurt yourself?”
“I won’t.” I push against his chest, but it’s like trying to move a brick wall. “I’m not your responsibility anymore.”
His eyes flash with something I can’t quite decipher. “You’re right, you’re not. But I’m not about to let you stumble around drunk.”
“Why do you even care?”
Sebastian’s grip on my waist tightens, pulling me closer until our bodies are almost flush. “You know why.”
My fingers twist into his shirt. “No, I don’t. You made it pretty clear that whatever we had is over.”
“Princess.” He growls, the sound reverberating deep inside me.
“Don’t ‘princess’ me.” I attempt to back away, but his hold is unyielding. “You lost that right the second you left me in that library.”
“Almost forgot. Yes. The day I found out you were just pretending. Thanks for reminding me, princess.”
“I wasn’t. I never was.”
He scoffs.
And everything starts to dissolve. The blackness taking over. The monsters scratching at my feet. No. Not now. Please.
“Lil?” He cups my cheek, and the monsters disappear as if he reigns over them .
“Don’t. You moved on with Serena. Why won’t you let me?”
“Serena has nothing to do with this.”
“Doesn’t she? She’s your girlfriend. Or is she another girl you use and discard?”
His expression hardens, his grip on my waist almost painful now. “Careful, princess. You’re treading on dangerous ground.”
“Or what? You’ll punish me?” The words are out before I can stop them, hanging in the air between us like a challenge.
His eyes darken, pupils dilating. “Don’t tempt me.”
My breath hitches, my body responding to his proximity despite my brain screaming at me to push him away. “I’m not yours to punish.”
“You’ll always be mine.” His words come out in a possessive rumble. “No matter how much you try to deny it.”
I open my mouth to retort, but the words die on my tongue as he moves closer, his lips a hairsbreadth from mine. My heart pounds in my ears, my body thrumming with heat and, first and foremost, raw need.
But as quickly as he pulled me in, he releases me. “Go home. Sleep it off. You said Gem was here, right?”
I nod.
“What about Mary? I saw her inside.”
I nod again.
“Then you should go to her. It’s cold outside.”
But I can’t move. It’s like I’m rooted to the spot, trapped by his presence. My heart is pounding so hard I’m sure he can hear it.
“Seb…” I don’t even know what I want to say. There’s so much left unsaid between us, so much hurt and anger and longing. It’s a never-ending stupid ci rcle.
Sebastian’s gaze holds mine, the intensity in his eyes making my knees weak. I want to look away, to break this spell he has over me, but I can’t. It’s like he’s reached into my very soul, tugging at the threads of my heart.
“I’m sorry about last time,” he says. “And I shouldn’t have snapped like that.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I should go inside,” I say.
“Yes.” He shuffles with his feet. “Lil?”
“Yeah?”
“Get home safe.”
I nod and push past him.
Will we ever be able to talk like normal people?
I jolt awake, images from the nightmare already fading. Gemma and Mary are still fast asleep on either side of me. Both of them look so peaceful that I don’t have the heart to wake them. After the thing with Elijah, we snuggled up on the couch, ate ice cream, and watched movies.
Carefully, I extract myself from the tangle of blankets and grab my phone, checking my messages.
Nothing.
Why am I even hoping to see a message from him? It’s only been a couple of hours since we arrived home, so…
Too wired to even think about more sleep, I quietly pad into my room, shutting the door behind me with a soft click. Collapsing onto my bed, I unlock my phone, fingers hovering over several names before deciding on Landon .
“Lil?” Landon’s voice is calm and collected despite the late hour. “Everything okay?”
“Hey. Yes, I’m sorry. I… I needed to talk to someone.”
He makes a sound of understanding. “Did you have an episode again?”
“No.” I sigh, rubbing my temples.
“What’s going on?”
“How did you know Anne was the one? Like no doubts, one hundred percent sure?”
I hear shuffling on the other end of the line, imagining him sitting up in bed.
“She challenged me and made me want to be everything to her because when I look at her, I see a future I want to be a part of. When you find that person, there’s this sense of rightness. Like your souls fit. You can’t let them go, and you don’t want to. It makes you selfish.”
His words resonate within me. Sebastian.
“You’re a hopeless romantic,” Anne says in the background. “Is that Lil? Let me talk to her.”
Landon sighs, the sound crackling over the line. “I’ll come to you in a second, love.”
“Give her to me,” Anne says.
Landon’s voice grows distant. “Here.”
A shuffle, and then Anne’s voice fills my ear. “Lil! How are you?”
“I’m good.” The lie slips easily from my tongue. “Just catching up.”
“Mm-hmm. About how much your brother loves me?”
“You love me just as much,” Landon says.
“Shush,” Anne says. “Lil, is this about a certain someone?”
“The asshole who shall not be named,” Landon finishes grimly .
“I don’t—”
“Forget your stupid brother for a moment.”
“I—Yes.”
“What happened?”
“I thought I’d be over it by now, over him. But when I see him, it’s like ripping open an old wound.” I slump back against my pillows.
“It’s no wonder with your history together.”
Landon speaks in the background, “That bastard doesn’t deserve another second of your time.”
“Landon,” Anne chides softly.
“What? It’s true, and you know it.”
“Maybe not,” she says. “Sebastian isn’t doing well, either.”
That catches me off guard. “What do you mean he isn’t doing well?”
There’s a loaded pause before Anne responds carefully, “He seems… different since… More withdrawn and working himself to the grave.”
Landon scoffs audibly. “Good. Let the bastard suffer.”
I wince at the harshness in his tone, an old protectiveness rising unbidden. “Lan…”
“No, Lil. He doesn’t get to play the victim here. Not after what he did to you.”
He doesn’t even know all of it. My chest tightens, the memories threatening to surface. I push them down, focusing on the present. “It’s not that simple.” I was at fault, too.
“Isn’t it? He used you. Barron’s do that.”
Each word is like a knife to my heart, twisting painfully. Because he’s right. Sebastian did use me. But even now, after everything, there’s a part of me that still yearns for him. Still wants to believe there was something real between us. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, and I blink them back furiously. I don’t want to cry. Not over him. Not again .
“It’s okay to still care about him,” Anne says gently. “Those feelings don’t just switch off. But you need to do what’s best for you, and if you still love him and want to give it another try. Do it.”
What if that’s the way?
Because letting go of Sebastian… it feels like letting go of a part of myself. A part I’m not sure I’m ready to say goodbye to yet. And if that doesn’t work out, maybe I’m able to let him go.
Landon mutters something unintelligible in the background.
“Ignore him,” Anne says. “This is about you and what you want.”
“I want to stop feeling like this. Like I’m constantly being pulled in two different directions.”
“Then maybe it’s time to choose a direction.”
“Have you thought about coming home?” Landon asks.
Home. The word sends an unexpected pang through me.
“I don’t know. With everything between me and Marc…” I trail off uncertainly. “Does Marc still hate me?”
“He’s still mad, but not because he hates you,” Anne pauses before continuing. “He thought you were happy with Jason and couldn’t see that you didn’t want to marry him. But you know how he is—stubborn as a mule.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s…”
“It’s time for a visit,” Landon says. “And who knows? Maybe you’ll find someone here.”
“Maybe…”
“You should visit us,” Landon says. “We miss you, Lil.”
“Stop pressuring her,” Anne says.
“I’m not pressuring her.”
I chuckle, shaking my head. Never would I have thought my brother would admit missing me.
“Think about it and check in with us more often so your brothers don’t worry,” Anne says.
“How about every day or moving back here?” Landon suggests in the background.
“Every second day,” I say.
Landon grumbles something that sounds suspiciously like ‘so stubborn’.
“Now get some sleep, okay? Things will look better in the morning,” Anne says.
“Okay. Thanks, Anne. You too, Lan.”
“Anytime, sis,” Landon says gruffly. “Love you.”
“Love you both. Night.”
I end the call, tossing my phone aside.
Sleep. Right.
My mind is spinning with possibilities and what-ifs. How am I supposed to sleep like this?
I stare up at the ceiling, Sebastian’s face flashing through my mind.
I’m so screwed.