29. Lilian
Chapter 29
Lilian
Beside the coffee maker lies a little note in Sebastian’s bold scrawl.
Had to head into the office. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen. I’ll be back later. Bash
Short and to the point.
The coffee brews and I wander into the library again, trailing my fingers along the spines of the books. He’s never been much of a reader. At least, not that I knew of.
And to top that, almost two shelves full of romance novels. What if they’re all from a past girlfriend of his?
Or did he—No, that’s ridiculous.
Sebastian doesn’t want me, not really. He’s confused. Trying to assuage his guilt over how things ended between us.
A gleam of metal catches my eye, and I freeze. There, sitting on the desk in the middle of the room, like a ghost from my past, is the sewing machine.
How did it get here? I left it at the apartment.
Why?
He must have brought it over. Why would he do that ?
It’s like seeing a whole new side of him. No, it’s not a new side. It’s him before everything went to…
Sebastian’s not perfect. Far from it. I am, too. But maybe… maybe he’s trying. Maybe this time could be different.
And then there’s this. The sewing machine. The one thing I couldn’t bear to part with, even when I left everything else behind.
He remembered. He cared enough to bring it here.
My vision blurs with unshed tears. Damn it. Why do you have to make this so hard?
I want to trust him. I want to believe that we could have a future together. But I’m scared. Scared of getting hurt again. Scared of losing myself in him.
I hate you.
I need to get out of here.
I pull out my phone, shooting Mary a quick text.
Lil: You free today? I could use some girl time.
Mary: For you, always. I’m upstairs.
Lil: I’ll get ready and come up.
An hour later, I’m sitting across from Mary, hands wrapped around a steaming mug of tea.
“So.” She eyes me over the rim of her latte. “Spill. What’s going on?”
My shoulders slump. “Honestly? I have no idea. This whole thing with Sebastian, living with him… It’s messing with me.”
“I get it. It’s a lot to process, especially after everything that’s happened between you two.”
“Yeah, it’s not easy. It’s confusing.”
Her expression turns serious. “I’m going to be straight with you. I don’t like this, you living with Sebastian. Not after the way he hurt you.”
I open my mouth to protest, but she holds up a hand, cutting me off .
“I know, I know. He’s trying to make amends or whatever. But leopards don’t change their spots. Not really.”
“It’s temporary,” I say, but the words are hollow even to my own ears. “Until I can find a new place.”
“And how’s that going? The apartment hunt?”
“I haven’t exactly… started looking yet. It’s only been a few days.”
“A few days. Nothing else holding you back?”
“I… I don’t know what he wants from me. One minute he’s all charm and flirtation, the next… It’s like… well… like we’re both afraid to step over the line.”
“Lil.” She puts her cup down. “I love you, but are you sure about this? About him?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “I thought I was, but now… Now I’m not so sure.”
“Look, sometimes history is better left in the past, you know?”
I chew on my lip. “He’s different.”
“Is he, though? Or is he saying what you want to hear?”
Ouch. That stings.
She reaches across the table, squeezing my hand. “I don’t want to see you get hurt again. Last time was…”
Days, no, months of crying. I walked around like a zombie. Gem and Mary tried to talk to me, but I never told them what happened. Then, after feeling a bit better, Juliana told me that she had seen Sebastian with Blake. It broke my heart all over again.
“I know. I was a mess. But this time…” I fiddle with my mug, searching for the right words. “He’s more… attentive. Like he’s really trying to understand me.”
“And you believe him?”
“I want to. ”
“But?” Mary asks.
“I don’t know if I can trust him. Not completely. Not yet.”
“Then don’t. Take it slow. See where it goes,” she says. “But promise me one thing?”
“What’s that?”
“If he fucks up again, you’ll kick his ass to the curb. No second chances. Or, well, third chances in this case.”
“Deal. But enough about me.” I wave a hand. “What’s new with you? How are things with Connor?”
Mary’s cheeks flush. “Good. Really good, actually. The wedding preparations are a lot.”
I lean forward. “Oh? Do tell.”
We finish our drinks, and Mary gives me a full run-down on her plans, the decorations, the caterers, and her mother acting like Bridezilla. But my mind keeps drifting back to Sebastian. To the way he looks at me when he thinks I’m not watching. To the gentle way he touches me, like I’m something precious.
I want to believe in him. In us.
Sebastian. What am I going to do about you?
If he breaks my heart this time, I don’t think I’ll survive it.
“Well, well.” Connor strolls in, hands tucked into his pockets. “If it isn’t my two favorite ladies.”
Mary’s face lights up, and she bounces to her feet, planting a kiss on his cheek. “Hey, you. I thought you had work.”
“Decided to call it a day. Figured I’d rather spend time with my fiancé,” Connor says.
I drain the last of my tea, glancing at the clock. “Is that the time?”
Mary follows my gaze. “Yeah. We’ve been here for hours. ”
“I should get going.” I push to my feet. “Let you two have some alone time.”
“You sure? You can stay for dinner if you want,” Mary says.
“I’m good, but thanks.” Sebastian’s probably wondering where I am.
Mary pulls me into a tight hug. “Call me if you need anything, okay? Even if it’s to vent.”
“I will. Thanks.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
The apartment is dark when I let myself in, the only sound the soft hum of the refrigerator. Sebastian’s not back yet. I don’t know if I should be relieved or disappointed.
I flip on the lights in the library, my gaze drawn to the sewing machine still sitting on the desk.
Fuck it. I can’t keep running from this. From my past. Maybe it’s time I faced it head-on.
I settle into the chair, my fingers hovering over the controls. It’s been years since I’ve used one of these things. Not since… I give my head a quick shake, pushing the memory away. I can do this. It’s a machine. It can’t hurt me.
I start slow, feeding a scrap of fabric through the needle. The familiar whir of the motor fills the room. I lose myself in the rhythm, the hum of the needle, the glide of the fabric beneath my fingers. It’s soothing, meditative almost. I can almost forget—
Pain lances through my finger, sharp and bright. I jerk back with a hiss, staring in horror at the blood welling from the tip.
Crimson. Thick and viscous, like…
Hide .
The room spins, colors bleeding together like a macabre kaleidoscope. The metallic tang of blood fills my nostrils, coats my tongue. I can’t breathe. Can’t think.
Mommy. Why doesn’t Daddy move?
Footsteps, heavy and ominous. The creak of a door.
Hide.
The monsters break in. They’re on me, all around me. I’m trapped. I scream for my mother to help me, but she never looks up from her sewing. She ignores me while they…
You’re trapped. There’s no way out.
I have to—