25. Riley
Riley
October – Queensland Raceway, Queensland
Dipping into a corner, the bike slips and I have to pick it up to avoid dropping it to the ground completely.
Something’s not right with it. Applying and releasing the brake doesn’t improve anything in the next corner as the bike continues into the gravelled run off area.
Fucking hell . I manage to keep the bike upright and push it back on track, and slowly take it around the last half of the track and into pit lane.
Reaching my garage and letting the team take over the bike, I look for my Technical Director.
“Felix, what the fuck? I can’t feel anything through these fucking tyres,” I say heated, adrenaline peaking.
“What’s happening out there, Riley?” He looks up at me from his clipboard to take notes.
“No feeling. There’s no feedback. I can’t find the connection with the track, and then I am all the way into the gravel with no warning.” I throw my gloves on my chair.
“Let me go relay this to Anders and we’ll get it sorted for another whip around.” He scurries off.
My helmet is off and set down on my chair and I run my hands down my face .
Things have not been gelling this week. The team has felt off with some of the pit team off. And me. I am definitely off this week.
Seeing my parents brought some emotions up for me, and I hated not being around Mabel to talk them out with her. She has helped support me so much; I didn’t realise how easy it was to confide and share my thoughts with her.
My eye catches Felix’s as he approaches me again. “We’re going to change out some forks, give the suspension another once over, and then you can take it out again. Give them a few.”
He leaves after I nod, and I am back to my own thoughts again.
“I guess I just don’t know what else I could have done for her,” I lament into my laptop.
“This is the thing, Riley, there isn’t anything else you could have offered Kiara. This was set in her mind. Her thoughts and patterns. Her decision.”
“But if she was with me, I could have called an ambulance.”
“And that’s why she chose to not stay with you so she could do it.
She knew you would help her, and she didn’t want to be helped.
I know this is coming across as blunt, but remember that this wasn’t your fault.
We can only offer people our support; it’s up to them to take it.
You and your parents did everything you could for her. ”
Normally I would accept what Cameron would say. He has been spot on with knowing what I need to hear, but I am regressing, rehashing, and going over everything again. I am feeling uneasy and questioning everything this week.
“Has anything happened lately that has caused these triggers? How is work going?”
“It was a cluster-fuck of training and having an off-week with the team. Something I normally would shake off and get back on track, but it’s triggered my spiralling thoughts.”
“And you mentioned you were sharing your hotel room with someone. Is that still okay?”
“We’ve not been able to be in the same hotel room together for a few weeks.
” I pause. “We started a casual relationship a few months back and have been getting along really well. I did just have my parents here, and we weren’t able to spend time together like we used to.
And now her parents are here. So even more time away from each other. ”
“Hmmm. So you are out of your routine?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“And you said it was a casual relationship?”
“Yeah, that’s what we agreed upon when we started this. Mabel isn’t a relationship person.”
“However, it sounds like you have formed an intimate routine which involves her.”
I pause. “I think I have developed feelings for her.”
“And you haven’t told her.”
“You’re good, Doc. I don’t want to jeopardise what we have going between us. It could scare her off, and I am enjoying the time we are spending together.”
“But what if she feels the same? And do you really want to be in this one-sided?”
“Guess I've just been scared of losing something else that means so much to me.”
“Well done for verbalising your fear, Riley. And I understand why you are scared and cautious about sharing your feelings with her.”
There is silence between us while I let my revelation sit with me.
“Is there anything else you’d like to add?”
“I should tell her how I feel. Be honest with her.”
“I think that could be a good idea. And then you will know how she feels as well.”
“Yeah.”
Shit, I need to talk to Mabel.
My stomach is in knots, going over how to have this conversation with Mabel. Her parents have been here for a couple of days, and I've hardly heard from her. I think that makes it worse—not seeing her and gauging her mindset. The unknown playing on my mind.
She’s mentioned her parents can be a drag and critical of her, so I don’t know how she would be feeling right now. I don’t know what to do. How to tell her. How to start the conversation.
My mind is racing; I need to slow it down. Breathing in slowly and deeply, I aim to quiet my mind. Focus on one thing. Not the conversation I need to have. Or any of the possible consequences.
Throwing on something to do a workout in, I head down to the hotel gym and am met with a sign displaying the gym is closed. Sighing, exasperated and annoyed, I tap the door with my open palm.
“Easy, tiger,” Javi calls out sarcastically from behind me, Sophia smiling beside him.
“Hey,” I reply to them.
“You okay?” Sophia asks.
“Yeah; was just going to hit some weights to clear my mind,” I reply, raking a hand through my hair.
“We’re heading to the track for some recap meetings.
Want to come and clear your mind there?” Javi asks.It sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in weeks.
I need to clear my head. Feel the freedom that comes with dominating a bike.
No pressure of testing, or fine-tuning or time-attacks. Just me, a bike, and the tarmac.
Sitting in the back of the cab on the way, my leg bounces. Agitated. Scenery passes by, but I don’t register the details. Blurring greens and browns, colour motorcades of other cars, the gapping openness of the clear light blue sky. Almost too suffocating with the openness.
My thoughts too jumbled and present to appreciate anything or register what Javi is trying to say to me.
“Ri?” he repeats.
“Sorry. What did you say?” I look over at his creased forehead and confused eyes.
“I asked, How are things going? But I think I got my answer. What’s going on?”
“Just in my head too much at the moment. Need to get a few laps in to clear my mind. Intense therapy session today.”
“Want company on track?”
“Nah, I’ll be right. Cheers, though.” And I go back to unfocused gazing out of the window until we reach the track.
Making a beeline to my garage, I give small waves to the handful of people through the paddock until I hit my pit.
“Hey, Kobs. Wasn’t expecting you here,” I say, as he looks up from his laptop at the pit box’s bench.
“Heya, Riley. Could say the same thing to you. What brings you here?” Koby’s eyes are filled with worry and concern. I’m sick of people looking at me like that today.
“Hoping I could jump on one of the bikes and ride it like I stole it around the track for a few laps?”
“Sure, but can you use one of your old bikes we drag around? I am running some aero analysis on these two at the moment. Old bike and gear is in our trailer. ”
Koby digs in his laptop bag and throws me a key on a Ghostly Flux key ring.
“You’re the best, Kobs!” I yell out, running out the back of the pit to the trailers parked behind the boxes.
The roller door clanks as I heave it upwards. This area is secure, so no need to lock it up.
And there it sits. My bike from two seasons ago. My winning season. A season so far from my memory from what has happened between these two points in time.
Grateful this trailer stores my surplus gear, a few leathers are draped over bike part boxes. My helmets are securely transported in boxes, along with boots and gloves. Gearing up, I cast my leg over a familiar leather seat and walk the old Aprilia out of the trailer.
Sliding the key into the bike’s ignition, it takes a few sputters until it fully roars to life. The rumbling engine rattling up my spine, already feeling a small ounce of contentment seep into my chest.
Slowly, I manoeuvre the bike towards the track’s entry at the end of the pit boxes.
The track is within reach, just to my right.
I’m parallel to it, but need to maintain slow speeds and it’s itching me.
Few more metres and I cross the pit exit line, floating into the sweeping right corner.
My speed is controlled as I cruise the next right, then I gas it down the long straight.
The thrill pulses through my body in an instant as the wind blasts around me before I lean into the next corner.
And the next. Utilising parts of the track that are normally untouched, flicking the bike around underneath me.
In control of something familiar, something that makes sense.
Something simple that I haven’t fucked up.
Pushing a change in my mindset to be fluid with the bike. I needed this outlet. This reset.
I ride around the track until the fuel gauge hits the empty line, and pull it back into the trailer. Replacing my racing gear back on the boxes, my phone lights up with a message.
A message from Javi that he and Sophia have gone for an early dinner and will be back to get me, if I wanted company.
I don’t reply to his message. Maybe I need more time.
A track run? Who am I? A run to clear my thoughts?
I’ve never wanted to do that. Heading towards the pits to hand Koby the bike key before heading on track again, my mind wanders.
It is clearer, but not clear on what to do.
No brain to lay everything out for me. I’ll have to work for it.
Koby has moved to removing one of the bike’s fairings and is hooking up more cables.
“Still going at it?” I ask.
He raises his head with a smile. “Gotta be thorough.”
“Why are you working on the bike and not Mitch?” I ask once I realise the Team Owner is doing mechanical work.
“Mitch had to take off for a few days, but asked me to do it for him so the team had something to work on before next weekend’s race.”
“You’re a good boss.”
“Mate, I try to be.” He returns with a kind smile. “You going alright? You definitely took some angst out on that throttle. ”
“Yeah, just trying to shake off the odd weekend and had an intense therapy session this morning. Needed to get my head back on straight.”
“Last weekend was an odd one, but these occurrences happen. You shake these things off.”
I’m silent, mulling things over.
“Need to talk it out?” he asks, moving away from the bike and focusing his attention on me.
“Just a bit happening and I spiralled before my therapy session. Cam was great, but it left me a little…unravelled.”
“That’s unlike you.”
“Right?” I chuckle at his light-hearted jab. “I’ll be fine after a few days. Today helped. Maybe some food will help, too.” I point outside.
“Here if you need me, okay? Everyone is,” Koby offers with an outstretched hand.
Taking it, he pulls me in for a half hug and pats my back. Reassurance floods me with the gesture.
“Thanks, man,” I reply with a slap on the back in return before we part. He really is a good dude, and always there for me and anyone in the paddock.“Rest up and see you here in a few days.”
“Will do.” I wave off as I leave the pit. Calling a cab as I head to the front gate, I only have to wait ten minutes for it to pull up. The sun is nearing the horizon with a spill of vibrant orange, sparing no one the blinding blare of its light. Forceful and encompassing .
Directing the cab to the pizza joint near the hotel, I stop in for a quick feed.
I’m nearing the hotel, no closer to working out what I am going to say to Mabel. Perhaps I am in my head too much? Maybe this needs to be a more open conversation with her?
Resolving that I need to talk to Mabel in a more open, two-way conversation, I finish my meal and head to the hotel.
Passing her hotel room next door to mine fills my heart with joy, and a smile can’t stop forming on my face.
I really miss her.
Knowing her parents are in there and she is spending time with them, I continue to my room to settle in on the lounge for the night.
It doesn’t take long for me to glance to the other side of the lounge. The empty spot Mabel would sit in.
I allow myself to fall onto the lounge, face first. The material scratchy against my face.
Closing my eyes, I see Mabel’s face. I pick up my phone and type out a message to her:
Hey Gorgeous. Hope everything’s going well with your parents. Here if you need anything. x