26. Mabel
Mabel
My parents arrived two days ago, and I am already counting down when they leave.
I don’t know why they bothered to come. They have complained about the hotel, asked to only go to the track for half a day, but not Sunday when all the fans are there, and nitpicked everything about me from my hair, my love life, why do I want to travel around like this, down to my shoes.
Stupidly, I arranged for a two-bedroom room, so I can’t even find solace in my own space.
We are sitting around the table having dinner, and their berating is endless. You’d think they would stop while they were eating, but no. They could complain under water.
“The hotel is so busy. You should have warned us,” my mother interjected.
“I have told you; all the teams try to stay at the same hotel to make it easier for travelling to the track together,” I reply.
“I didn’t think it would be this busy, though. We would have stayed at another hotel if we had known,” she continues.
“What do you want them to do? Stay in their hotel room and only leave to go to the track?” I press.
This is a stupid conversation to break at, but I can feel myself getting there.
I normally let it go, but they are crossing a line now.
Bringing people I care about into the conversation, who they have no idea about, into their negativity.
“Well, no, but some consideration for people not part of the hoopla would be nice,” my father adds in.
“They are just living their lives,” I give up. There is no talking compassion to them. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I am glad for the distraction.
Hey Gorgeous. Hope everything’s going well with your parents. Here if you need anything. x
I smile and use this opportunity to my advantage. “Sorry, that’s Rayna. I have to meet with her to get some last-minute things sorted for tomorrow’s media sessions.” I get up and pick up my laptop from the kitchen counter, slipping it into my laptop bag.
“What? It’s so late? Why do you have to go now? We’re having dinner,” my mother says, annoyed that things are being changed under her watch.
“Last minute change. These things happen, especially so late in the season and such a close championship.” I shrug, “Don’t wait up.” I know they won’t. They will have dinner, watch whatever show is annoying them for a bit, and then go to bed.
I exit the room and head straight next door and lightly tap my knuckles on the door .
Riley opens it and smiles as soon as his eyes hit mine. “Hey,” he says softly, “needed a break?”
“Yes,” I whine and walk into the room, setting my laptop bag down and turning to him for a kiss and a hug.
“Sorry you are having a crap time. How long were they here for again?” he asks as he rubs his hands down my back to soothe me.
“Thankfully, leaving after tomorrow,” I reply, breathing him in. He smells like vanilla now that we aren’t in the same room anymore. He’s gone back to his old body wash.
“You’re tough. You got this.” He squeezes me and kisses my forehead.
“I don’t know how much I can take. They have already covered my job, my hair, my clothes, my love life—which went on for literal hours—the hotel, the team in the hotel, having to get on a bus with everyone to the half day they only wanted to do at the track.
” I have broken away from his arms and am ranting and throwing my arms around, pacing in front of him.
“How could they say anything about your appearance? You’re gorgeous and amazing.” He walks towards me and scoops me back into his arms, like holding me can help ground me when I am like this. “You know you could just say you are seeing me? Would that help with the love life part?”
I sigh. “Honestly, that won’t even help.
They will then say, ‘You’re not getting any younger.
You need to not be seeing someone you work with.
Where would it even go?’ It would be another few hours of more critiquing.
” My head rests on his shoulder, feeling his heart rate speeding up under my hand resting on his chest.
“But maybe that would help?” He lifts my chin to look into my eyes and presses on.
“Mabel, I love you. I know I am putting you on the spot by saying it, but we have been doing whatever this is for the last five months, and I can’t keep hiding my feelings from you.
Sorry it’s a shit time to tell you, but I need to.
I’ve wanted to for the last few months.”
I drop my arms from around Riley and step back.
“Riley, I said from the start, I am not a relationship person. Look how fucked up the supposedly ‘most important relationship’ in my life is. I can’t bring someone else into that shit show.
” I pace again. My emotions are at the brim, threatening to spill, but I have pushed them away.
Denied thinking about them for so long because that will cause me to confess my feelings and put myself out there. How could anyone love someone like me?
I almost said ‘I love you’ in the mid-season break, but chickened out and then pushed down those thoughts and feelings. Did I push them so far down I became disconnected from them?
“Are you saying you don’t have feelings for me?” Riley asks. He has more courage than me.
“Riley.” I need a pause, a moment, a lifeline. “I don’t know. This is the wrong time to talk about something like this. I’m at capacity.” My hands go to my head. What am I doing? What am I saying ?
“It shouldn’t be something that pushes your capacity,” Riley adds softly, turning slightly, unable to look at me head on.
“I better go. Can we talk about this later?” I move to pick up my bag, wrapping my arms around it, pressing it in front of me, shielding my heart.
“Sure,” Riley says weakly and opens the door, eyes not meeting mine, suddenly real interested in the carpet.
“I’m…sorry,” I can only muster, and leave without looking back, my eyes brimming, threatening to spill if I look back at him.
The heavy door thunks closed behind me and I jump at the sound.
Exhaling to steel myself, I turn to the elevator.
Hiding out in the hotel’s bar sounds like a good idea at the moment.
I find a table tucked in a quiet corner and am grateful table service is available, as I order a beer.
It arrives promptly and I hope this will help.
I’m not much of a drinker to forget my troubles, but my appetite has disappeared, and this sounds like a good idea for the moment.
My mind is a swirl of thoughts, feelings, regrets.
But I can’t get them straight to think about them clearly.
Halfway through my beer, a shadow falls over me. “Good evening, Mabel.”
I look up from my trance. “Good evening, Koby.”
“Everything okay?” he asks, his dark brown eyes full of concern, the lines on his forehead creasing.
“Oh, you know. Parents driving me mad, and…other things on my mind,” I reply .
“Did you go for the ‘I have to get some work done’ tactic?” He gestures to my laptop, sitting unopened on the table. “I’ve done that before.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I had an opening and took it. Glad I am not the only one.”
“Do you mind if I sit?” Koby asks.
“Please, feel free.” I wave a hand at the empty seat to my side. I like Koby. He's kind and friendly. I can see why people love staying in his team equally as Rayna’s. Riley has nothing but positives to say about him. My cheek winces slightly at the thought of Riley.
“I saw you deep in thought and chewing on the side of your mouth, thought I'd better come over and offer an ear or you’ll chew a hole through your mouth.” He tries to lift the mood.
Snorting a laugh, I shake my head. “Yeah, I have a bit going on. My parents have been non-stop and they only just arrived. I met Riley’s parents when they were here, and it’s disappointing the choices my parents made to be so negative.
I’ve always known it, but I guess being away from them and amongst so many great people in the paddock, it’s become unbearable to put up with it with a smile and a silent scream. ”
“You get older and realise your parents are people, too. And as you evolve and become your own person, your values don’t always align.
And rather than being able to just walk away, you have to deal with these people who infuriate you.
Unless they are insanely toxic. Just cut them right out,” he ends with a smile .
“Thanks, that’s so true.” I shake my head for letting so much get to me. I have to continue to just distance myself. They are never going to change.
“I’m surprised you aren’t down here with Riley? I know he won’t be wanting you to be sitting alone without trying to make you laugh or lighten your load?” he asks.
“We…sort of…had an argument,” I meekly reply.
“Ah, lovers’ tiffs are unavoidable. Especially when we are all in close quarters,” he offers.
“Oh, no, no. We aren’t together,” I reply. “We’ve just struck up a friendship this year.” I’m not about to divulge the fuck buddy agreement I have with his rider. Embarrassing!
“Sorry, my mistake.” Koby raises his hands with a smile. “But please remember, regret in love turns bitter, and it’s hard to get out of it.”
“Speaking from experience.” Not a question. I can hear the regret in his voice.
“Indeed. But I don’t want to bore you with an old man’s story,” he chuffs.
“Please, I would love to hear it,” I ask, definitely intrigued.
“I was in love with a beautiful soul the moment I met her when we were seventeen. She started out as my friend, but I developed deeper feelings for her. Always terrified to tell her how I felt because I didn’t want to tell her and lose her friendship.
” This was sounding familiar. “So I shut my mouth.
Enjoyed her company. Too scared to reach out and hold her hand.
Then she found the love of her life and I knew I had no chance of being with her, so I lost her anyway.
We still hung out, and we were all friends, but that unspoken love was still there in my heart.
“And I had to get over her while still seeing her. Pretending things were okay because, at the surface level, they had to be. I met my wife, well, ex-wife now, and I did love her, but when she said she was out of love with me, I didn’t fight to save it, thinking this is what I deserved.
And don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret that time together.
We had good times together, and we have an incredible daughter, but our passions laid elsewhere and we drifted apart.
“But I still live with that regret that I was too scared to take a risk. Put myself out there. Find out if she was the right one.” He paused, continuing, “Sorry, that was a lot.”
“No, thanks for sharing. I appreciate it,” I reply.
He scratches the short, black and grey stubble along his jaw.
“And sorry if this is forward, but I have known Riley for a long time. This season he hasn’t been happier and more content both on and off the track, even while he is still grieving.
You both might not be together-together, but you have made a positive impact in his life during a time he needed someone the most, and that is a gift worth treasuring. ”
Letting the words from Koby fall and the weight of them settle on my heart, I am both touched and saddened. I trust Koby, but I don’t want to talk too much about my love life.
He picks up that I have drifted into an internal monologue and stands. “If you need anything, please reach out. I know Rayna would also be someone you can talk to if you want someone in your team to confide in. Have a good night.”
And I am left alone with my thoughts. No closer to knowing what I should do. No closer to wanting to go back to my room.