Twenty-One
ADAK
It was going well right up until I received Oren’s call. The fury that burned through me had me barely giving Traer an explanation before heading for my office. I couldn’t get my skates off fast enough and I know I broke several traffic laws.
The car is barely in park when I storm out of it and through the front door. “Oren?”
I hear feet scrambling on the stairs and he pokes around the corner as I start going up them. We meet at the landing, and I pull him against my chest. “I’m sorry.”
He sighs. “I’m not convinced you need to apologize.”
I don’t have a chance to say anything further when I hear him.
Honestly, I’m rather shocked at past me for having been interested in this man. When I turn with Oren in my arms still, he’s standing at the foot of the stairs, looking up at me with confusion.
Words catch in my mouth. There are so many profanities I want to throw at him right now, but words are lodged in my throat.
“Darling?” he asks, as if he can’t fathom why I have my arms around another man. My blood boils.
“Get out,” I snarl. Oren flinches in my arms and I instinctively tighten my hold on him. “Get out of my house, Randall. You have no fucking permission to be here. How dare you lay a hand on Oren!”
Randall’s confusion only increases. It’s not feigned which concerns me. He legitimately looks perplexed and hurt. “But… I thought you’d be over this by now,” Randall says. “With everything going on, I’m so sure that?—”
“Get. Out,” I hiss. I’m shaking now. “OUT!” My shout startles both Oren and Randall. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
Randall backs away, his eyes wide, full of bafflement. Concern. Hurt.
“Adak, surely we can put the past?—”
“So fucking help me, if I have to call the cops, I’ll be pressing charges. Get out of my house and stay the fuck out of my life,” I growl. “Now.”
He inhales sharply. This man remains bewildered as he grabs his purse. Giving me another weary, injured, and pleading look, he glides down the hall. I listen to the tap, tap, tap of his shoes on my hardwood. We don’t move until the door clicks shut in finality.
I fish for my phone and lock my door remotely before setting the alarm. I swear, there’s no sacred places anymore. Home is supposed to be your sanctuary.
For a minute, I close my eyes and just hold Oren. Not so much for him right now as much as me.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat.
Oren nods. “’S’okay.”
“No, it’s not. No more opening the door to strangers.” I try to make my tone teasing but I’m certain it falls short.
He gives me a pity laugh, anyway. “He wouldn’t stop ringing the bell,” Oren says. “I wasn’t sure how to make him go away and leave me in peace.”
“Come on,” I say after another minute has passed. “Let’s get something to eat and I’ll tell you about Randall.”
We find the kitchen a mess. Oren and I stop at the imaginary threshold that separates the living room from the kitchen and just… stare.
“He was only here for like a minute,” Oren says in awe.
I sigh and gently push him to a chair while I step inside. For a minute, I let myself get lost in the act of cleaning my kitchen. When it’s relatively in one piece again, though I wouldn’t put fresh or raw food on the counter yet, I lean my hip against it and look at Oren.
“I told you a little about my past relationships. Basically, sex was always an issue and I haven’t been in one since my late twenties.” Oren nods. “Randall was my last boyfriend.”
For a moment, I think back, trying to recall what it was like with him before the moment it all changed. But I can’t. The feeling is gone. It feels too foreign and unbelievable now.
“The best I can tell you is that I was in love with him. I thought the world of him. We had been together for eight months when I found out he’d been cheating on me practically the entire time.
Obviously, I was… horrified. And devastated.
I found out when he wasn’t home, so I had my breakdown in peace without having to face him.
When he came home, the first thing I realized was I barely recognized him.
When he spoke, his voice almost made me physically cringe.
The things about him—his smile, the way he stood so poised, how he dresses as if that’s going to elevate him to a higher social class all on its own—I hated it all now.
When I looked at him, he was just… a stranger.
I couldn’t understand how I was attracted to him.
And those were all surface level. Never mind every other nuance about him that suddenly turned me off.
“Mind you, when I say ‘attracted,’ I don’t mean sexually, of course.
Something that I was so sure that Randall had understood.
We’d had a lot of conversations about it, and I thought he was the most understanding person I’d ever met.
It was probably why my opinion of him had been so high.
I fell in love with him because I believed I’d finally found someone who wasn’t going to make me feel bad or guilty or…
inadequate because I wasn’t interested in a physical relationship in the way most people are.
I learned a lot about myself and I’d learned how to articulate what asexuality means for me.
We talked about it often and he always said he understood. ”
Oren is watching me with rapt attention. I’m not sure he’s even blinked as he stares. Absorbing everything. A smile touches my lips.
“When I confronted him with the realization that I knew he’d been cheating on me, he didn't even deny it. He just kind of looked at me—much like he did at the bottom of the stairs a few minutes ago. Genuinely confused and not understanding what he did wrong. This man literally said to me, ‘You don’t like sex and I need to get it from somewhere. Surely you understand this.’”
Oren’s eyes widen, his mouth opening. Yeah. I feel that.
“We spent, I don’t know, hours going back and forth until I finally just told him he needed to move out of my house.
End of discussion. It wasn’t that easy, as you can imagine.
His first strategy was to pretend that I still didn’t know he cheated on me.
To act like the confrontation and argument didn’t happen.
He moved into begging that I understand the situation he was in and that we can totally make it work that way.
It’s just sex, after all. I don’t even like it, so it shouldn’t bother me. ”
“Oh, my god,” Oren says.
I nod as I continue. “Yep. Then he was angry that I’d somehow wronged him.
That our relationship ending was my fault because I was never willing to be the man he needed.
Eventually, he left. More than a month after I told him to.
However, I was na?ve to think that might be the end of it.
He was everywhere. At my job, in my driveway, at the rink.
Even at away games. Anyone who’d ask, he’d tell them he was my boyfriend. ”
Oren’s expression is horrified. “I want to ask how you made him finally leave you alone, but since he showed up here, I’m guessing you didn’t quite manage that.”
Rubbing a hand over my eyes, I laugh. “Actually, I haven’t seen or heard from him in…
I’m not sure. Years. I really thought he’d moved on.
Initially, I was brought to the point where I had to take out a restraining order.
Shortly after that, I accepted a job halfway across the country and I admit, I have been convinced that he had finally disappeared. ”
“Wow.”
“This is why I’ve said that anything regarding sex, we need to talk about openly, Oren.” Leaning across the counter, I take his hand. “You’re just… you’re incredibly important to me. Sex isn’t a small thing. It’s not something as simple as disagreeing on curtain colors or where to put the sofa.”
He laughs, gripping my hand.
“I don’t think for a second that my needs are more important than yours, and I don’t expect you to give them up because of how I am. We will find something that works for both of us. But that means I really need you to keep your promise and talk to me. Okay?”
He sighs. “Yeah.”
“Anything you want to say now?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
Oren smiles. It’s really fucking cute. “Yes. I need to go shopping for new clothes.”
I groan, making him laugh again. “Please tell me you weren’t comparing how you dress to how Randall does.”
“No,” he says, shaking his head adamantly. “Well, yes but not how you think. I realized as he was judging me that I’m still wearing what my father deemed appropriate for me. I want my own identity.”
His answer makes me smile and my shoulders relax. “That is a very good reason to go shopping.”
“I’m not sure where to go shopping,” Oren admits. “I don’t even know what I want to wear. Having the choice is… new.”
“Start surfing around online. Scrolling through social media is a good place to start if you can ignore all the noise,” I say.
Oren nods. “I’m excited to find something that’s mine, that I can build on my own with my own decisions. But it feels daunting too.”
“There are a lot of decisions to make, Oren. You have an entire life to restructure and live for yourself now. You don’t have to just work online, hidden away somewhere. If you want to go to school, you can. If you want to travel and see the world, you can do that.”
“With you?” he asks and my heart stutters when I hear how hopeful his voice is.
“I hope so.”
Oren nods. I squeeze his hand again and let it go so I can step back to make lunch. After I wash the counter. And maybe the floor. I sigh with resignation. I’m going to have to call a deep cleaner in, to scrub every trace and memory of Randall from my home. There’s no room for him here.