Chapter Twenty-Five
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Ily
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I DIDN’T WANT TO CRY.
I’d done everything I could to avoid such a thing.
I’d allowed Henri’s despair to nullify my own, grateful to be strong enough to put another before me. After a lifetime of looking after Krish and placing his needs before mine, I had a good crutch to lean on, convincing me I was okay.
Of course I wasn’t affected by Victor raping me.
It was just sex. Just a body. Just whatever...
Of course I wasn’t dying beneath constant fear of living in this place.
It was just a castle. Just monsters. Just another day...
Of course I wasn’t living in constant stress or misery or panic or horror or pain or worry or, or, or...
Of course not.
Of course—
Lies.
Pretend.
Coping mechanisms.
As Henri slowly climbed out of his ashes and the deadness in his eyes transformed into vicious life, he stole all my distractions. Tore apart all my careful lies and forced me to see just how much I wasn’t okay.
It’d been so long since I felt safe.
So long since I could take off my mask and be honest.
And as his arms came around me, cocooning me in a safe harbour, I folded inward, gave in, and let go.
Victor raped me.
I felt him. Even now. Inside me. Moving.
I cringed away.
I tried to run.
But my mind popped the corks of every moment I’d bottled up. Every horror I’d shrugged off and every sleepless night I’d shoved away.
It was too much.
I wasn’t alright.
I wasn’t.
I was afraid and lonely, lost and dying day by day.
My brave face for Peter and the jewels.
My determination not to let evil win.
I was exhausted.
Barely hanging on.
Drowning...
I hated Henri for showing me that.
Hated that I’d been so alone.
Hated how wonderful it was to suddenly have someone. Someone who threw up a shield between me and horror and kept me hidden just for a moment.
The past weeks unravelled, crushing me into tears.
Victor.
H-He raped me.
I didn’t watch.
But I’d felt it.
My body endured it.
He’d sullied me.
Defiled me.
Fucked me—
Nausea brewed hot in my stomach.
The urge to purge clutched around my throat.
I had a sudden commiseration for Henri and all the moments his system forced him to retch. It made sense. He had a lifetime of nightmares haunting him.
I only had one and it was enough to make me want to scream and scream and scream!
I cried harder.
I couldn’t stop.
God, I couldn’t stop.
“Ah, Ily...I’m sorry. So, so fucking sorry.” He rocked me, cradled me, treated me like spun sugar and gave me the sweetest kisses. He didn’t try to lick my tears. Didn’t growl at me to cease.
His strong arms wrapped tighter. His hard body supported mine.
Never in all my life had I felt so accepted, so cherished, so seen.
Never trusted someone enough to be so ugly and sad.
Just him.
This enemy turned twin flame.
My missing piece of my soul.
Victor’s grunts.
Victor’s thrusts.
Victor—
I couldn’t do it anymore.
Pulling away from Henri’s embrace, I tripped and grabbed his hand.
He arched an eyebrow as I dropped my towel and dragged him back into the shower. Hot water rained as I plastered myself to his perfectly trimmed chest and whispered around my tears. “I need you to erase him. Tonight. Right now.”
He cupped my cheek in worship. “I’ll do anything you want.”
I might love others.
I might need others.
But what I felt for him?
It was different. Just more. Just...everything.
“Tell me what you need.” He kissed me ever so softly.
The moment his lips touched mine, I flung my arms around his shoulders.
How could he make me feel so fragile and fearless at the same time?
How could I forgive him for everything just because he’d trusted me enough to break in front of me?
We’d allowed each other to see past all our defences, peer deep into our truths, and nothing frightened me anymore.
Not his past.
Not his needs.
Nothing.
Because I knew him.
I’d always known him.
And it’d taken me this long to recognise what he meant to me.
“Help me forget, Hen.”
He groaned into my mouth. “Having you call me that...goddammit, Ily.” Picking me up, he pressed me against the tiles and shuddered as I wrapped my legs around his hips.
I didn’t know if his erection was from wanting me or the Viagra, but the little voice in my head forced me to check I wasn’t doing to him what his father had done. “Wait...”
God, my heart ached for him.
For all those evenings when he’d been taken by the hand and delivered into absolute evil. No wonder he was so hung up on monogamy. He’d been forced to love countless women when all he ever wanted was one.
One mother. One lover. One heart.
He paused, his chest rising and falling, the knitted wound on his bicep from Kyle’s stabbing extra bright from the hot water. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to trap you. I’ll put you down—”
“It’s not that. I...I want you. I need all traces of him gone. But...only if you want me too. I won’t take from you. I won’t be like him.”
His face scrunched up with absolute awe. Fresh tears clung to his eyelashes. “You think you’re taking me against my will?”
“I’m making sure I don’t.”
He sighed heavily. “Fuck, Ilyana.”
New sadness tracked down my cheeks. I felt so sorry for Rachel. For everything she’d endured. I hated that she’d been forced to sleep with so many men. Despised that Henri had the same experience. Just because he hadn’t been violated in that way, he had been violated.
He’d been raped, over and over again.
Peter and the jewels were slaves here.
They were used and abused on a daily basis, but Henri?
He’d been a child when it started.
A baby of seven years old when he’d been forced to be with a woman in that way.
What did that do to him? How had he survived? All his urges and fetishes were nothing compared to the mess inside him.
A surge of protectiveness rose.
I wanted to slay every nightmare he’d endured.
I wanted to go back in time and slaughter his father.
I wanted to hug that little boy and promise him that eventually, he would be free of that life...only for him to step back into it as an adult.
I brushed his hair back as the shower continued to pummel us. “Do you think your memories came back because of this place? Being here? Reliving the past you repressed?”
He pursed his lips. “Pretty sure it was writing. I started off wanting to write about you and all the things I wanted to do to you. Instead, I ended up falling down a fucked-up rabbit hole.”
“That’s why you deleted everything? You didn’t want Victor to read it?”
“I didn’t want to read it. Or remember.” He huffed, widening his legs. “Pity I now remember everything.”
I slipped a little in his arms. I wriggled closer, trapping his cock between us.
He groaned, his forehead furrowing. “You keep doing that, and I won’t have the ability to talk for much longer.”
My stomach flipped. “Does the Viagra feel different? Less sensitive?”
“You’re still worried that I don’t want to do this?” He kissed me softly. “That I don’t want to do you?”
I kissed him back. “I will never take advantage of you. Regardless of what I need.”
“And that’s why you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met.” His voice roughened. “I love you, Ily. So fucking much.”
Wrapping my arms around him, I hugged him.
He trapped me against the wall, quaking in my hold.
The same words danced on my tongue.
Pulling away, I asked quietly, “Did your brother know? What your father made you do?”
He flinched.
I worried he wouldn’t answer, but then he dropped his eyes and shrugged.
“I don’t know. I only saw him a few times when I was dragged through the house.
He was never there while it happened. I think...
I hope he wasn’t aware. I do know he killed the bastard.
I remember that too. I remember him appearing in the quarters where we were kept, holding a gun. The next day, we were all freed.”
“Do you think he would’ve sent you here if he’d known what you endured?”
“I don’t know.” He winced. “Unfortunately, I’ve probably killed him, so the chances of asking him are gone.”
Life seemed to narrow, knotting us together.
All the conversations in the kitchens. Peter’s urging; Rachel’s advice. They’d told me to see if Henri would fight on our side.
After tonight, I had no doubts.
His nostrils flared as he studied my face. “What? What is it?”
Heat throbbed between us, sex hung in the air, but our connection burned hotter.
My mind raced with a new plan.
One that’d begun the moment Victor thought he was helping by making Henri rape Rachel. “You said you were ready to play....You said you’re done with this place and your past, and...if that’s true, I have an idea.”
He wrenched back. Flicking a look at the camera in the corner of the bathroom pointing directly at the shower, he ducked his head by my ear.
“We’ve already talked for too long. It’ll start to look suspicious if we don’t either fuck or I do something cruel.
” His face scrunched up. “And I can’t hurt you again.
Not tonight. To be honest, I’ll probably struggle for the rest of my life—”
“And that’s why you have to. Don’t you see?” I reached between us and grabbed his hard cock.
He hissed between his teeth as I jerked him off. “You want me to hurt you? After everything?”
“Victor thinks he’s helping free you. He expects you to be ‘cured’ from your little love disease. So...let him cure you.”
“What?” He stilled my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine. “You expect me to forget tonight? Forget this? Forget how I feel about you?”
“Not forget...pretend.” I squeezed him.
His eyes snapped shut.
Biting the shell of his ear, I whispered, “Play with me, Hen. Be the worst Master you can be so Victor trusts you. Do whatever it takes to convince him that you’re his.”
His entire body turned to stone. “What are you saying?” He yanked my hand off his erection. “Stop that. I can’t think with you touching me.”
“I’m saying you need to be the Master Victor wants you to be. Distract him. Mislead him. Keep his eyes on you instead of on...other things.”
“Other things?”
“He obviously cares for you. Even Rachel said she’s never seen him be this friendly with another.”