Chapter Twenty-Five #2
He groaned and closed his eyes. “Please don’t mention her name.
I feel sick to my stomach for hurting her.
Yet another woman I was forced to—” He pressed his lips together as if fighting his natural inclination to purge.
“I—” His lashes flashed up. “I need you, Ily. Promise me. Promise me that it’s just us from now on.
” Nuzzling into my neck, he pushed me higher up the wall and notched his cock against my entrance.
“Tonight never happened, alright? Victor didn’t happen.
Rachel didn’t happen. Only this.” He pushed slowly, carefully. “Only us.”
My lips parted as he filled me.
My eyes rolled back at the exquisite sensation of penetration.
Clinging to him, I panted as he slid all the way in.
We moaned in unison.
So much, so full, so right.
I clenched around him.
He groaned and pressed his forehead to mine, but he didn’t move. He just stayed deep and still, letting our bodies adjust, remember, and reaffirm that this was it.
No one else.
Just us.
Tears trickled over my cheeks as I held his stare. “You’re wrong, you know.”
He scowled. “Wrong about what?”
“That I hate you.”
He froze, his eyes filling with panic. “I don’t expect you to tell me things you don’t mean. Don’t lie to me. I won’t be able to stand it—”
“Mujhe tumase pyaar hai.” Leaning forward, I kissed him. “It means...I love you.”
His legs buckled. He almost dropped me. Slamming a hand against the wall, he staggered sideways before pinning me against the tiles again. His voice cracked. “What?”
I clung to his shoulders. “Je t’aime, Hen.”
“I-It’s not possible.” Fresh tears glossed his eyes; the violence I was used to from him rippled down his arms.
Snatching me close, keeping his cock deep, deep inside me, he wrenched off the shower and tripped onto the bathmat. Dripping wet, he carried me into the bedroom and fell onto the bed, wedging me beneath him, his cock still locked right where it belonged.
“Say it again.” His panic turned to desperation.
“I love you,” I whispered, kissing the tip of his nose.
A tortured noise fell out of him. “Are you sure? I mean...why? Fuck, how—”
“How?”
“God knows I’ve done nothing to deserve it. You should hate me. A large part of me needs you to hate me. I can’t handle anything else. I...I’m not worthy of anything else.”
My heart tore into pieces. “It’s because of your lack of self-worth that I do.” Arching my hips, I rocked against him. “You are worthy. I wouldn’t love you if you weren’t.”
He groaned. “Ily—”
Dragging his head down, I whispered too quietly for the cameras, “Tomorrow, when Victor forces us to do whatever sick game he has planned, we play together, okay? Promise me you’ll hurt me if he makes you. Vow to me you won’t make him suspicious.”
“God, I can’t.” He pressed his lips to my throat. “The thought of ever harming you again turns me into fucking knots. I wouldn’t survive if you broke.”
“But...” My nose wrinkled as I figured out the best way to say something so delicate. “But that’s who you are. You know it yourself. You need to deliver pain—”
“No.” He shook his head. “I’ll change. I’ll stop. I don’t want—”
“It’s who you are, Hen. Either because of what you lived through as a boy or what you need as a man...you can’t change something so ingrained. Not now. Not that quickly.”
“I can. Watch me.”
“Don’t hate yourself for what you need.” I ran my fingers down his damp back, making him break out in goosebumps. “You’ll destroy yourself if you do.”
“What I need is you.”
“And what I need is for you to play along with me.”
We were running out of time.
If we were going to hoodwink Victor, it had to seem as if Henri had snapped thanks to Victor’s tutelage tonight.
Dropping my legs and going meek beneath him, it looked as if Henri took me against my will. The moment I surrendered, the truth I still hadn’t accepted shivered through me. Just the act of playing his captive made me wet and needy.
God, it felt so scandalous and dirty and...safe.
Safe now that I trusted him.
Safe now that I knew him.
Safe.
He sucked in a breath as he felt my shift, felt the flush of wetness inside me. “W-What are you doing?”
“Being honest with myself.” I licked my lips and stared at his mouth. “What if...what if I need you to hurt me? What if I’m exactly what you said I was...”
He went very, very still. “You’re not a masochist, Ily. I was seeing what I wanted to see. Trying to convince myself what I was doing wasn’t wrong.”
“It wasn’t wrong...not all of it.”
“You don’t mean that.”
I melted beneath him. “You asked what parts of me react at the thought of you punishing me. You asked if I would bow for you—”
“Stop it.” He clamped a hand over my mouth. “Don’t say something that isn’t true.”
Nipping at his palm, I smirked as he ripped his hand away. “The night of Emerald Bruises. When I was high and used you for sex—”
“Fuck.” His cock jerked inside me. “Don’t remind me. And you didn’t use me. Far from it. I felt like a monster for taking you in that condition.”
“I asked you to bite me. I couldn’t come until you did.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
“It does.” I smiled, so grateful I still could after what’d happened tonight. “I’m a Mercerchist. I’m your Mercerchist.”
His forehead furrowed. “I have no idea what that means.”
“It means...I hate pain from others. But with you? I...I like it. I like when you bruise me. When you treat me with violence, I feel your love beneath. Your love is painful. And now I know why.”
“Merde, you’re trying to kill me.” His hips jabbed into mine.
I gasped. “No. I’m just being honest.”
His eyes flashed. “You want honesty? Fine.” His hips rocked again, feeding me his throbbing hardness.
“The taste of your tears. The moans of your pleasure. The knowledge that I hold your life in my hands? It turns me the fuck on, and...if you truly want to know the sick monster you’ve let into your bed, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep it up right now without the Viagra.
” His kissed me hard, forcing me to choke on his words.
“Being inside you this way is far too gentle and sweet. It’s scrambling my mind.
I’m in love with you. You come first in everything, yet this...
” He thrust, sharp and savage. “This wouldn’t be enough to satisfy me and that...
fuck, that destroys me because you deserve gentle. You deserve sweet.”
“Isn’t that up to me to decide?”
“No. I can’t risk it. I...Christ, I can’t lose you. I refuse to do anything that might break you. I’d never forgive myself.”
“I won’t break, Henri.” I kissed him back. “I trust you not to go that far.”
“But that’s the thing.” He gave me a heartbreaking shrug. “I don’t trust myself.”
My mind scrambled for a way to give him what he needed.