CHAPTER 17 #2
Roxy took a sip of Scotch, and then she said, "That's what I figured. But hey, don't worry about me, I can handle your ex-girlfriend slash best friend," she added with a smile. "I've seen worse."
No doubt. Roxy was jealous.
***
Fifteen minutes later, Charles was refilling drinks at the kitchen counter when he turned toward Ellen, who was still in the living room. "So, Ellen," he said, "Roxy told me you arrived in Sydney not long ago?"
"Uh, yeah, actually. I arrived on January 8, I think. I'm losing track of time a bit."
Charles continued to smile, genuinely interested in learning more about Roxy's new friend. "And did you move here alone or with your boyfriend?"
"Charles, come on," Roxy interjected, annoyed—or nervous—by the question.
"No, no, it's okay," Ellen replied with a small smile. "No boyfriend. I'm gay." Ellen noticed Sophie's subtle smile out of the corner of her eye.
"Oh shit, sorry, I didn't want to jump to conclusions," Charles said, looking awkward and apologizing. "Roxy didn't tell me…"
"Obviously," Leah murmured, the words barely escaping her lips as she sipped her wine.
And looking at Leah and Ellen, Charles asked, "Are you two together?"
Leah's face lit up with a smile, like she couldn't wait to speak. "Nah, I'm the ex-girlfriend who is also the best friend, which is quite basic lesbian behaviour, right, El?" At that point, Ellen didn't even look at her, exasperated by both Leah's conduct and the awkwardness of that discussion.
And it was at that exact moment that Charles caused Ellen's final discomfort. "Anyway, it's cool that you didn't lose time to join Roxy's running club."
"The running club?" Ellen asked, out of touch.
"Roxy said that's where you two met."
The air thinned, and Ellen's spine straightened. Leah glanced up from her cards, catching the sight immediately. Roxy just froze across the room.
She looked at Charles, hesitating just long enough to consider her response. It needed to be something neutral, something that didn't negate the reality of the situation.
But then Ellen saw Roxy with her pleading eyes. "Yes, Ellen," she said, "you know... the one at Centennial Park..." She wasn't panicked or desperate, just asking. Ellen was unable to do otherwise.
"Right, that running club. It was mostly to meet friends in town," Ellen said. Her voice was light, but something in her recoils from the words. "I thought I'd give running a try."
Leah remained motionless, yet Ellen could sense the tension in her silence. As she spoke, Roxy met her gaze. Ellen locked eyes with her for a moment, then another, and she seemed to comprehend the depth of Ellen's expression: Seriously, Roxy? This?
She didn't hold it; instead, she looked away.
Charles chuckled. "I wish someone had caught my expression when Roxy told me about her in a running club."
Leah, back with her earlier glaze to her, leaned forward. "You got lucky to bump into Ellen there. I struggle to see my Ellen in a running club."
My Ellen? Ellen thought. What the fuck was that? What's up with her tonight?
The room burst into laughter. Roxy smiled, though Ellen noticed it was more shame than anything else. Roxy couldn't bring herself to meet Ellen's gaze. The game moved on, and so did the laughter.
It was just a little white lie to Charles, but to Ellen, it was a real insult. It put Ellen in an awkward position. A situation in which she had completely fabricated a version of Ellen for her friends, her partner and everyone else in her life that wasn’t meant to know the truth about them.
Roxy couldn’t keep up the charade now that her lie had been exposed in front of Ellen.
That was all it took for her to disappear into the kitchen, pretending to go and see if there were any desserts left, but she didn’t go there.
Instead, she slipped into the hallway, not far away, just out of sight.
Ellen stayed seated and exchanged a glance with Leah.
She said nothing, but she knew how angry Ellen was feeling inside.
She nodded, just once. It was enough. Ellen stood up and walked past Roxy, heading straight for the back door to take refuge in the backyard.
She could feel Roxy's eyes on her back following her the whole way.
Ellen refused to give in and reassure Roxy.
After taking a few long, deep breaths to calm herself, Ellen heard the back door open. She didn't need to turn around to know who it was.
"Ellen?" Roxy said, her voice on the verge of tears. Ellen, though, didn't move. "Ellen, please look at me. I'll explain everything."
Ellen finally turned around, her expression stone-faced. "What is there to explain, Roxy? That lie isn't just weak," she said. "It is about making me easier to explain to your boyfriend and friends, and it hurts."
"I am so sorry, I didn't want to hurt you."
"Even though you didn't want this to happen, I'm still angry. With you, but mostly with myself." Ellen's voice rose. "I've become someone you have to lie about. Everything I've always despised."
Roxy flinched slightly, then took a step closer and tried to reach out. Her fingers brushed against Ellen's sleeve, but Ellen pulled away.
Ellen's voice lowered. "Roxy, I'm not in a position to demand anything from you. I knew about your situation from the start, and that's on me. I shouldn't have pushed. But don't act as if you don't know what's happening between us. That would be a slap in the face for me."
Roxy gasped, and it looked painful. "You're not anything to me," she whispered.
"Okay, then," Ellen said calmly, trying to give Roxy a chance. "If that's the case, what am I then?"
"You know exactly what this has been between us since the first time we met. Don't make me say what we both already know. I don't have the words for it yet. Everything around us is complicated."
Ellen took a step back and turned her back on Roxy.
She was processing, and it hurt. She knew she was in love with her.
It was clear. It was impossible. Ellen snapped, holding back tears.
"You know what? I'll solve your problem in no time.
If I'm too much for your story, then maybe I shouldn't be in it.
" She took out her cell phone and sent a simple text, 'We're leaving' to Leah.
Roxy finally found her voice. "Please, Ellen, don't go like this. What I know is that I don't want to lose you either." Ellen couldn't tell if it was a plea or just panic.
Was she asking her to wait?
"Have a good night, Roxy." Ellen breathed through it, steady as she could manage. "You know how to reach me," she said. "If you ever figure out what you want from me."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, eyes locked on hers, looking completely shattered.
Ellen nodded slowly. "I know, Roxy. I know. That's what hurts the most."
Ellen stepped back into the house, but for a second, she just stood there and caught her presence even after leaving her behind. She heard, between sobs, a faint and unmistakable "bloody idiot" coming from outside. It wasn't loud or angry, just raw. She wasn't talking to Ellen, but to herself.
Ellen was caught in mid-air by Charles as soon as she entered the house. "I was wondering where you were. Is everything okay?"
"I'm fine," she replied, forcing a smile as Leah approached her. "And thank you for the invitation, but we're going to have to leave you. Leah's off to LA tomorrow."
Charles went to Ellen, hugged her, and then looked at her. "It was great meeting you, Ellen. You have to come for the next night."
The door opened. Roxy came in and stopped dead when she saw Ellen was still there. They looked at each other for a moment before Ellen looked back at Charles. "Yes, maybe. Have a good evening, Charles."
Ellen headed for the door and heard Leah walking behind her. "Let's go to the car," Ellen simply said.
***
LEAH
Leah glanced out of the corner of her eyes at Ellen, who was staring at the road ahead.
Neither had spoken since their departure from Roxy’s residence.
Leah recognized that this silence was not a good sign, considering her behaviour towards Roxy.
After Taylor and Jess, Leah was the one who knew Ellen best, and she had learned to be particularly terrified of these silences.
She braced herself once they arrived at Ellen's house. "Ellen, please say something," she said, quickening her pace to reach Ellen.
"Don't you dare say one more word." Ellen's gaze pinned Leah on the spot. "What was that, Leah Donovan? I asked you one thing. To be nice to her. Would it kill you to listen to what I need for once?"
Leah remained silent and ashamed. Taylor came up to them and asked, "Um, what's going on?"
Ellen exploded, "Ah, that is indeed a good question. But you should ask her, because I have no fucking idea what that shitty attitude of hers was about."
Leah was on the verge of tears. "Ellen—" she almost begged.
Ellen waited, giving her room to speak, but Leah couldn't find the words. Then, after a bit of a tense pause, Ellen burst out with a bitter laugh. "Just as I thought. You know what, Leah? I don't care. Enjoy your flight back to LA tomorrow," she spat out angrily.
Without a word or a glance, Ellen went upstairs and slammed her bedroom door, leaving Taylor and Leah to face each other.
Taylor spoke up, clearly upset. "Okay, now you better start speaking up. Now."
"Tay, I totally screwed up this time," Leah confessed.