CHAPTER 24
ROXY
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
The past forty-eight hours had taken an emotional toll on Roxy, and the hours that followed showed no sign of easing.
And then what? She was going to disappear into thin air for a few weeks and devote herself to the only thing she knew how to do: her work.
She would try to become the robot she should have become years ago.
Roxy felt like such a fool for thinking she could outsmart work.
Bonnie was right: the job always wins in the end.
Roxy sat on the edge of her Airbnb bed as the sun declined, casting shadows on the floor. Her phone rested in her hand, its screen at rest. She'd been staring at it for ten minutes, maybe more.
Finally, she unlocked it, typed, deleted and started the message again.
Roxanne Powell - 9:56 PM Ellen, can we meet tomorrow? The Clock on Crown St. 7 PM?
Roxy couldn't imagine how cold and discordant this text message must have seemed to Ellen, especially after their evening at the bridge or the series of text messages they'd been sending each other for the past few weeks. But Ellen's reply came within two minutes.
Ellen Caldwell - 9:59 PMHey Roxy, I've been waiting for this. I will be there tomorrow at 7 PM. Can't wait to see you!-xxx-
Roxy closed the screen of her phone and clutched it tightly in her hand. Ellen's tone made it clear she had no idea about the storm about to tear through her life in the coming hours.
Ellen had said yes, even though Roxy hoped she would say no. That would have been far too easy. Despite herself, Roxy now had to say goodbye to the first woman she ever fell in love with.
She had never regretted or hated her life choices before today, but now, they left a bitter taste in her mouth.
It was all her fault. She was the one who had chosen this life and to bear blood on her hands.
She was the one who had chosen to hurt Ellen, because in the end, it was inevitable.
Roxy tried to convince herself that it was better for Ellen.
In time, Ellen would forget Roxanne Powell because she was never meant to have a place in Ellen's life.
If only they could have met under different circumstances.
***
February 14, 2025.
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Instead of playing it safe and returning to the Baxter, Roxy selfishly decided against it, so as not to ruin the memory of the most wonderful encounter of her life.
True to form, she arrived early to scout the venue and plan for every possible scenario.
Why? Because Roxy forces herself to get back into the mindset of the assignment.
Whatever the circumstances, she was in no mood to deal with it.
There was no kindness in what was about to happen.
That would be a disaster with no way back.
Breathless, Ellen practically sprinted into the pub, five minutes tardy.
Roxy couldn't help but notice Ellen's unusual nervousness, a stark contrast to her usual presence.
When Ellen caught sight of her, she addressed her with the most beautiful smile that could only mean one thing.
One damn thing. It was all it took to pulverize Roxy's heart.
She crossed the pub to the table that Roxy had carefully chosen in the back. Ellen was a constant eye-catcher considering she shared her looks with her famous twin sister. Roxy felt the least she could do was offer Ellen a little dignity while she got her heart broken, yet again.
"Hey you," Ellen said, like nothing had changed between them since the bridge. Or was she trying to convince herself that nothing had changed?
"Hey," Roxy whispered back, who, for her part, was trying to find some ground beneath her. One thing was clear: Roxy wasn't feeling well.
Ellen sighed nervously and sat down in the chair opposite Roxy, her gaze fixed on her. As if she were trying to make sense of the past few days.
"Roxy, I'm too stressed for small talk, so I'll get right to it," she said.
"Maybe it's all in my head, but it's driving me crazy.
Is everything okay between us? You've been especially quiet since—.
" She was undoubtedly making superhuman efforts not to crack.
Her voice wall full of concern in her voice.
Ellen's gaze changed completely to the point that Roxy had to break eye contact for a few seconds to compose herself. The task was becoming more difficult.
“I’ve managed, with great difficulty, to give you the space you asked for, but I can’t take it anymore. I’ve missed you over the last few days,” she paused, “and I think I’m falling for you, so what’s going on? Are you having problems with Charles? I can help you if you want."
Ellen tried to hold Roxy's hand, but Roxy snatched her back right away. Roxy could see the panic in Ellen's eyes.
How could Roxy do something so cruel to her after that?
It would not only break her heart, but it would also destroy her.
So, she nodded, not trusting her own voice.
"Look, Ellen… I've been thinking a lot about us in the last days.
" Ellen tilted her head, pondering what was happening.
Roxy cracked and stared at her drink. She knew it was time to speak the truth, regardless of what came next.
"I don't think we should keep seeing each other.
We should maintain a completely professional and platonic rapport. "
Roxy wondered if Ellen had even heard of her because she didn't respond right away. Ellen finally blinked once sluggish, visibly replaying the words in her head to make sure she had heard them correctly. "Uh… I don't understand…"
Roxy swallowed hard. "Ellen, everything is getting complicated. It's not professional for me to have this kind of interaction with clients. I don't think it's good for either of us."
Ellen leaned back slightly, still looking at Roxy, trying not to break down. "What is complicated? I am feeling good around you, and well, I thought you did too. Is it because of Leah being around? I can assure you that we are only friends."
Leah. The girl who was obviously badly in love with Ellen, without Ellen herself realizing it. And maybe she gave Roxy the perfect excuse. But that would mean disrupting Ellen's life even more. "No," Roxy barely whispered.
"Okay, so what's complicated about us?"
Roxy was at a loss for words, as she knew Ellen was right. Nothing was complicated with her; if they forgot all the Service's shit around them. Roxy was too ashamed to look her in the eye.
"At least have the balls to look at me in the eyes if you're serious about this." Ellen's tone became more assertive. "Was this all a game to you, or was I just some curiosity? None of it was real?"
"It was, Ellen," Roxy said, quietly. "I've never felt better than I do with you."
"Um, okay… So, explain to me what I've missed in the last five days to cause this turnaround, because I just don't understand. You were on the edge of kissing me on that bridge. Am I wrong?"
Roxy's silence stretched on for far too long for Ellen's liking. Her voice softened, but without losing a certain harshness. Ellen said quietly, putting her hand on Roxy's hand. "Why are you pushing me away when we both know you care about me?"
Roxy finally found the strength to look up at her and saw that Ellen was mirroring every emotion she was feeling at that moment. Roxy had to carry on. She had no choice.
“I just can’t believe it…” Ellen whispered. “Is this a nightmare or something?”
Roxy, too, felt as though she were living a nightmare, except that it would have been inappropriate to point that out. Her heart, too, was breaking more with every passing second.
"Trust me, Ellen. You don't want me in your life. I'm a bundle of problems."
Roxy jumped up without exchanging another glance with Ellen. And it was terribly hard because it wasn't she didn't want her—shit, Roxy wanted her so much—but wanting her wasn't enough.
Roxy hadn't taken four steps before Ellen's voice was heard again.
"It's not your place to tell me what I want. Do you know what I want? You, Roxy. You. Even if you show up with your own baggage. You’re worthy, do you understand?
" Roxy could sense her voice becoming increasingly fragile as she pleaded her case.
No, rather their case. "Don't stand in front of me and act as if I imagined it all. "
When Roxy tried to speak, nothing came out. She could only feel like a coward in that moment.
"I know you are scared, because I am too," Ellen said, "but I will be there for you.
Always by your side. We will follow your pace and slow down if it's too fast for you.
And we will stop everything if you really don't want to do this.
But from my perspective, it doesn't seem like what you want.
I will do everything to make you feel comfortable in all this mess around us.
I didn't and won't ever ask for more than you could give, and I was always honest with you. So, I'm asking you the same now."
Oh Ellen. If only I could tell you the whole truth. But what you're asking me is impossible.
Once again, Roxy couldn't find the courage to speak, leaving Ellen simply sitting across from her, watching her in silence.
She seemed discouraged by the persistent silence.
Faced with the impasse, Ellen's voice rang out, low and controlled.
"I think you owe yourself better than this kind of closure. "
She wasn't angry, which somehow it made it worse.
If only she could be angry at Roxy, because that was all she thought she deserved from her.
"Don't mess with it just because you don't have the gut for it yet," Ellen continued.
"But in all of this, there is something true and rare.
If this ends here, I'll be hurt, but I will survive.
I'm used to it. But I need to know the real reason if I was as important to you as you seem to say, because I seriously feel like you're not telling me everything. "
Ellen took a deep breath and her tone softened. "I'm going home now, and you're welcome to join me if you want a better chance to talk about this or… just whatever. Anyway, you made it clear that I can't have any expectations from you. Goodnight, Roxy."
She got up, grabbed her coat, didn't wait, and walked past Roxy, trying as best she could to hold back her tears.
Roxy's heart cracked right through the middle. She couldn't let her go even if it were the smartest thing. But instead, Roxy shouted, "Ellen, wait." She closed her eyes for a second. "You make it really fucking hard to leave."
Roxy said nothing more, as she just followed her, knowing that any resistance was futile.