CHAPTER 41 #2
"Yes," Roxy said. She then said, almost regretfully, "And to be honest, it's still true."
Ellen knew what she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure if it was the right time. Despite that, she continued, saying, "Roxy, you've found a family that will never let you down." Could that have been the beginning of what would unfold later? Ellen was certain it was and knew she hadn't lied to her.
Roxy laughed, a little embarrassed by this outpouring of affection. "Alright, cut it out, you're going to make me cry, and I'm supposed to be the stoic spy here."
Ellen's eyes drifted to Roxy's mouth, but she held back. Not yet.
"Fair enough," Ellen said, as if nothing had happened. "Fancy a hike? There's a cool path we could explore. It leads to the top of a peak. The welcome guide said the view is incredible, especially in good company. So, I was kinda hoping... that we could go enjoy the mountain air together."
"A long walk in the woods, full of potential danger," Roxy repeated softly, but somewhat amused. "Is that your idea?"
Ellen shrugged, finding herself amusing. "Look, young lady, it's either this, or we do a puzzle. Our options are limited at the moment."
The corners of Roxy's mouth curved up, then the smile faded into something more subtle. "Is it just a walk?" she asked.
Even though Ellen was hesitant, she steeled herself and decided to tell Roxy what she was really thinking. "All I want is to be near you, plain and simple."
"Ellen, I'll go wherever you ask me to go."
"Fantastic," Ellen said, trying to stay calm, despite feeling like a teenager right after her crush had agreed to go to prom with her. She believed Roxy, and that scared her more than she wanted to admit.
However, they both knew this walk would be a turning point.
***
Ellen and Roxy quickly found themselves at the start of the path leading to the top of the hill. What Ellen felt was a mixture of excitement and fear. She was desperately hoping to find the best moment to let herself go with Roxy. Fully and without holding back.
"Are you ready?" she asked, turning back to Roxy.
"More than ever," Roxy declared, "but even though I've been in more dangerous situations in my life, I've never been so scared for my life. I stand by what I told you in Centennial Park. Ellen Caldwell, you are undoubtedly the most dangerous woman I have ever met in my life."
No, this isn't the right time, Ellen reminded herself. But it was getting increasingly difficult to resist.
They walked closely on the narrow dirt path, a sweet, secluded haven of gum trees and wild grasses that Ellen was delighted to share with Roxy.
They walked at a measured pace, as if they wanted to slow down time so that it would last as long as possible.
Ellen couldn't help but observe Roxy's military reflexes, such as discreetly changing pace when they weren't in sync. A tiny laugh popped out of Ellen.
"What?" Roxy asked, wanting to join the laughter.
"Nothing, you just make me laugh. That's all." Roxy nodded and smiled.
"That's good," Roxy mumbled, a smile gracing her lips.
They kept a comfortable silence, giving them the impression that they were alone in the world. All they could hear was the sound of their footsteps and birds here and there. Ellen jumped when she heard a movement in a nearby bush and noticed that Roxy immediately went into protection mode.
And it popped into Ellen's head. "Um, are there snakes in the Blue Mountains?" Ellen was deliberately trying to forget that moving to Australia also meant snakes and lots of other things designed specifically to kill her.
Roxy let out a little laugh, clearly amused by Ellen's sudden fear. "It was your idea to come to a forest full of dangers," she said with a wink as she started walking again.
"But you, um, in your job, you probably learned how to handle stuff like that, right?" Ellen asked nervously.
Roxy gave a dismissive shrug. "Maybe. But the word on the street is that snakes dislike vibrations, so stomp your feet when you walk."
"Just watch me walk loudly," Ellen said, not fully reassured. But once again, she felt safe by her side.
Thirty minutes passed, then fifteen more. Ellen glanced at Roxy, who focused on the path ahead. She seemed tense, especially on her shoulders. Ellen was worried because Roxy wasn't tense when they began walking. It wasn't fear. Perhaps more anticipation?
Roxy could feel Ellen's worry, so she offered a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and asked, "Ellen, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, but I don't think you are. What's going on? Talk to me."
Anxiety etched on her face as she articulated her fear. "It's just I have this persistent feeling that the earth is about to crack open and pull me down."
"Suppose it doesn't happen?"
Roxy remained silent, then exclaimed, "I am not sure. This is harder than anything they trained me for." Ellen still marvelled at how open and exposed this woman could be. She didn't know how to respond, but was it necessary?
As a breathtaking view unfurled before her, Ellen paused, captivated by its beauty.
She couldn't help but take a moment to admire it and give thanks for what was happening in her life.
Roxy turned to Ellen with the gentlest look she had had since yesterday.
"Thank you, Ellen. You didn't have to accept the invitation for the entire weekend," she said. "But I'm really glad you did."
"I needed to get to the bottom of things to see if I was going to miss out on the most beautiful love story of my life."
Roxy moved closer to Ellen. Not too close, but just enough so she could smell her. "So far," she murmured, "it's not looking bad, right?"
Eye contact became increasingly difficult for Ellen to maintain as she resisted looking at her lips. But Ellen broke contact and pulled away. Not the right time.
The further they went, the more difficult the path became. Ellen turned around and saw Roxy tailing her like at the Harbour Bridge and smiled to herself. She then confirmed her morning impression: Roxy Kerr was with her—not Roxanne Powell.
"Do you still think you don't deserve me?" Ellen asked her softly.
Roxy gasped, completely taken aback by the question.
She didn't answer, but Ellen knew the answer just by looking at her.
She stepped toward Roxy and took her hand, firmly enough for her to understand that this wasn't pity, but a free choice she was making.
Her fingers closed around hers as if by reflex.
"Don't change a thing about yourself for me," Ellen said to her. "The only thing is, I just need to know that you'll always let me find you."
Roxy nodded, a little too quickly, as if she were afraid the moment would slip away. "I'm not going anywhere," Roxy said, her voice quiet and real.
They continued walking hand in hand, the summit now within reach. However, they slowed their pace. There was something sacred about this moment: an unspoken understanding that they were both striving to protect.
***
No, the welcome guide wasn't lying: the view from the peak was breathtaking, especially with such good company. Ellen and Roxy were sitting on a rock staring at the horizon, close to each other. It was so beautiful.
At one point, Ellen felt Roxy's hand gently rest on her hip and immediately drawn closer to Roxy. Except that she also felt Roxy tense up as she realized what she had just done. The gesture was so intuitive.
Ellen didn't give it a second thought. In fact, she felt that the right moment had finally arrived. Ellen leaned her head back and rested it on Roxy's shoulder, not wanting to be anywhere else.
Lost in the moment, Ellen couldn't say how much time had passed, since they'd been still in that position. And without warning, Ellen heard her own voice, low and almost surprised, said, "Roxy, I don't even know what's stopping me from kissing you right now."
Roxy slowly turned her head toward Ellen. "Then stop looking for reasons and kiss me, please," she said as gently as she could. Her voice was filled with desire: she wanted her. Terribly.
This feeling was not one-sided. Still, there was one crucial thing she wanted to tell Roxy before going any further.
"I told myself I was done with you," Ellen murmured. "I was so angry with you, Roxy. It made me sick. Except that it was also unfair to direct it all to you, because I was extremely angry with myself."
"Ellen, I—"
Ellen placed a finger on Roxy's lips to interrupt her.
"Please, let me finish. It's important for me.
" Ellen took a deep breath before she could continue.
"I came to Sydney for a fresh start. For the opportunity of a lifetime.
Like the one Leah had, which was also the one that broke us.
I was ready to devote myself entirely to it.
And then I met you less than forty-eight hours after arrival.
Everything else had become unimportant. Everything led me to you.
I shouldn't have pushed so hard, knowing your situation.
And when it finally became possible, you disappeared. "
Roxy kept her eyes fixed on her, which Ellen took as a great sign of respect. She was there. She was listening to her. And above all, she was considering her.
"And you know what? I wasn't done with you. I knew it the second I saw you at my door. I don't know if I'm reckless or just naive for wanting you."
"Maybe a mix of the two?" Roxy asked. "But I'm and will always be there for you, Ellen…" Roxy caught her breath. "Did you ever regret coming to Australia?"
"No," Ellen answered without hesitation. "I wouldn't have met you otherwise."
"Alright," she said with a grin, then added, "Can I ask you one last question?"
Ellen let out a small laugh. "You're relentless."
"I'm curious. Not the same."
"All right. One more."
She didn't hesitate. "Do you believe in second chances?"
"For you, Roxy? More than ever." Ellen looked at her intently and meant every word she had just said.
Roxy didn't insist, smile, or nod. With a racing heart, Ellen felt an irresistible urge to close the distance between herself and Roxy. She was already playing out a million different outcomes after her heartfelt declaration. And then, completely out of the blue, things took a turn.
After Roxy broke eye contact and stood up without using her arms, Ellen felt a strong curiosity to discover the abs hidden beneath Roxy's clothes.
Maybe the whole spy persona was a turn-on for her.
As soon as she was back on her feet, Roxy turned to Ellen, who had been watching her intently, and held out her hand to help her up.
They locked eyes intently, and Ellen became captivated by Roxy's stare.
She wanted to feel that spark again; to say yes to her happily.
She leaned in and crossed the line, fully intending to stay on the other side.
Roxy's lips met hers before she could remember all the negativity she had felt toward her.
A unique kiss for Ellen; it was a tender soul-to-soul moment, uniting two women, a Canadian and a Scot, each over 16,000 km from their native lands, proving love can conquer immense distance and improbability.
Nothing in the world could have brought Ellen more joy than that precise instant.
Roxy's commitment to reciprocate the kiss confirmed to Ellen her purest intentions toward her.
The kiss ended naturally, without despair or frustration. Ellen could feel Roxy's breath on her forehead as it rested gently against hers.
Roxy faced her with a grave expression. "I'm sorry, Ellen, from the bottom of my heart. I can't undo what I've done. But starting today, every word, every choice, every action will be aimed at earning the right to be by your side."
Ellen didn't need to say a word. She just smiled and gave Roxy the best gift she could ever get: peace of mind.
Roxy rested her head on Ellen's shoulder, and as they stood there and looked out at the horizon, Ellen couldn't help but think she was head over heels in love with this woman.