CHAPTER 42
ELLEN
Blackheath, New South Wales, Australia
The past might have belonged to Roxanne Powell, but the future would belong to Roxanne Kerr.
Who would have thought that the woman who lied to her and betrayed her trust would be the one to give Ellen Caldwell the courage to trust again? Despite the lies and betrayal, this woman made her feel like she could finally breathe again.
As they walked down to return to the cabin, Roxy's hand found hers, without squeezing it. Roxy's thumb deliberately brushed the back of Ellen's hand from time to time, making them appear even closer. And each time, a small wave of warmth washed over Ellen's body.
She found herself replaying that kiss repeatedly in her head, trying to memorize how it had felt. No woman had ever made her feel that way. No woman had ever looked at her like that. Not even Leah, and certainly not Caroline.
Ellen's patience reached its limit, and she stopped dead in the middle of the trail. Roxy turned around, not quite understanding what was going on. "Are you okay, Ellen?"
Ellen quickly stepped forward, closed the gap between them, and began kissing her passionately again. When she finished, Roxy looked at her and said, "Well, this is definitely something I could get used to."
Ellen let out a small laugh and bit her lip. "Roxy, I don't want this to be a weekend fantasy," Ellen whispered.
Roxy nodded, her hands resting on Ellen's waist. "I lost you once, Ellen Caldwell, and I won't let that happen again." She moved closer to her lips to kiss her again, slower this time, as if they both knew they no longer had any excuse to resist each other.
The descent was as speedy as the climb was slow, almost like they were hurrying to get ready for whatever. They arrived at the cabin just as the light changed in the late afternoon.
Ellen took off her jacket and watched Roxy, who was super eager to start a fire and get things cozy. The flickering flames quickly blazed up, casting golden shadows on the wooden walls. Ellen had the strange feeling that Roxy'd been doing this her whole life, which, honestly, was entirely possible.
Ellen stood there, in the middle of the cabin filled with the smell of wood smoke, not quite sure what to do with herself. Although she could have started dinner, all she wanted was to be close to her. Roxy looked at her without saying a word, just giving her a little knowing smile.
Ellen immediately felt something relaxed in her chest. The outside world was on hold.
The past was the past, and there were no more lies or hurt feelings.
There was only the echo of the slow crackling of the fire and the amazing feeling of security Ellen felt when she was with her. She had never been so happy.
They didn't deep talk much during dinner, choosing instead to enjoy the moment together. They laughed at everything and nothing at the same time. There were little physical touches and a huge internal struggle not to kiss all the time.
Later, they settled down in the living room, precisely on the rug in front of the fireplace. Their bodies brushed against each other: their shoulders touched, her hand was in hers, and their legs were stretched out under the same blanket.
Roxy stared at the flickering flames, while Ellen rested her head on her shoulder, feeling the gentle warmth of her presence beside her. She made a small movement that forced Ellen to sit up a little and notice that Roxy was looking at her. "Please, tell me your story with Caroline."
Ellen set her cup down on the wooden floor, exhaled slowly and carefully, ready to dive back into her past. "First, let's talk about Leah, then we will talk about Caroline. Leah's super important, since she's family and a close friend. I want you to be comfortable with that, okay?"
Roxy nodded, trying not to let herself be distracted by thoughts of Leah orbiting around the woman they both loved. Except that, in the end, Ellen chose Roxy and not Leah.
Ellen paused for a few seconds and continued her story.
“I fell in love with Leah the moment she approached me at the first party I attended at law school.
That girl was a lifesaver when she saw Will Guimond, that creepy guy, trying to hit on me, even though it was clear I wasn't interested.
She arrived with a completely improvised mentoring program as a third-year student.
The look she gave him was so withering, I swear, he practically disappeared inside his own clothes. "
Ellen let out a nostalgic laugh, which Roxy returned, though it was a bit forced.
"We've been together for six years. She finished school, then the bar, and started her career in entertainment law with her friend Renaud, Jessie's ex-husband.
I supported her in all her projects until she received a job offer from an artist management firm in Los Angeles she couldn't refuse.
" Ellen stopped talking, afraid of overwhelming Roxy with the whole story. "I promise, I will keep it short."
"No, please, go on. I want to know."
"Okay." Ellen caught her breath. "She expected me to follow her in LA, as I always did for her projects, but this time the sacrifice was huge for me.
I had a plan that I liked. I wanted to work at the heart of the family business, but living in LA would have made that impossible.
Leah is an ambitious, high-performing woman, with this drive incredibly powerful even over me, and it was a revelation for both of us.
" Ellen took a deep breath, showing how much she cared for Leah and their history.
"She was about to ditch everything, including her own goals, so we could stay in Montreal for me.
But I knew she'd eventually resent me, just like I would have resented her.
That night, I learned what it means to never be enough for someone, which ultimately ended our romantic relationship. "
"Do you still love her?" Roxy asked, with a hint of fear in her voice.
"Yes, absolutely. I still care for her, but in a way that's like a sibling.
And I know it's the same for her too." Roxy was much more tense, but what she heard reassured her.
At least, from Ellen's perspective. "There was a big void in my life for a year after that.
As nature fills all voids, Caroline entered my life at that moment. "
Just saying her name tasted bitter in Ellen's mouth. "Caroline quickly saw the scars from my relationship with Leah. Not feeling good enough for the person you love is probably the worst torment a person can go through, and she exploited it pretty quickly in the relationship."
Roxy didn't say anything, but she moved slightly toward Ellen, her knee brushing her.
Ellen could feel her fear of seeing herself in her description of Caroline.
"We stayed together for five years, and I seriously thought it was the happiness I deserved after having given up on Leah.
I figured it was just enough having her, and she fit in with my life. "
Ellen looked at Roxy, then glanced away.
"She never really loved me. She just wanted to be with Ellen Caldwell…
with a strong emphasis on the 'Caldwell.
' She's a master of name-dropping as her second language.
She quickly figured out who we were and who I was: the queer heiress of the AtMedias empire.
I would never judge someone's identity, but I feel like she saw an opportunity more than a feeling or a deep revelation about who she was. "
Ellen slowed down a little, but not too much.
Roxy could say that the crunchy was coming.
"Caroline humiliated me in front of my whole family at our last Christmas together with a cruel and nasty comment after my father proposed a toast in honour of his daughters.
Dad is extremely proud of us. I didn't want my family to know how hurt I was at that moment.
So, I put on my best smile and took the hit, like I often did in that relationship.
Later that evening, she was on a call, and Jessie heard her tell someone else she loved them.
She never said that to me, but she had no problem saying it to someone else. "
Roxy's eyebrows furrowed and her posture stiffened with intense, restrained anger.
She remained hushed, but her jaw visibly clenched, and her gaze dropped for a moment, as if she was stopping herself from saying something she would regret.
One of her hands slowly clenched into a fist against her thigh.
When she looked at Ellen again, her eyes were darker and more focused, as if she were meticulously cataloguing every word and injustice and storing them away, somewhere where they could one day be dangerous. She let her finish, but the strain within her was now undeniable.
"Caroline did everything she could to isolate myself from my sister.
So, when Jessie went to confront her at our place two days later, she took the shot.
" Ellen was now on the verge of breaking down, but she held on.
"She didn't even deny it. Jessie and Taylor were brave enough to tell me everything the next day after, but I didn't want to hear it.
I kicked them out. I thought... I don't know.
Maybe if I ignored it long enough, it would stop being true. "
A bitter laugh escaped her. "It didn't. Three weeks later, I stumbled upon messages between Caroline and her spinning coach.
She has been cheating on me for the last two years.
Caroline moved out a couple of days later.
I left her almost everything. I just wanted to move on.
She had finally managed to separate me from my sisters for a month.
I didn't speak to them. I ignored calls and texts.
I refused to open the door. I broke several traditions, including being with Taylor at midnight on December 31st."
Ellen closed her eyes to recentre herself. "My sisters never abandoned me; despite the silent treatment I had given them for weeks. Taylor took it so badly. She felt incomplete, and so did I. Thanks to Blake, Jessie faced her fear and brought me back to them."
Ellen wasn't sure if she'd overshared and glanced at Roxy.
But she was still there, and the weight of her gaze hadn't lifted.
It anchored Ellen, more than she'd like to say.
"I hadn't missed a day of talking to Taylor since we were born before I kicked them out.
That's why my sisters are so protective of me, and why I'm so protective of them…
I know you noticed it at 'The Baxter.' We promised each other never to let something like that happen again. "
Roxy reached out, and Ellen allowed her.
She needed Roxy more than ever. "And the cherry on top?
She got engaged two or three months later.
What made it especially cruel was that Caroline sent me the post by DM like it was…
some kind of victory lap. It broke me. Watch out for the next album of SNARL. Tay isn't really kind to her."
Roxy stayed silent for a long moment before gently speaking. "And now?"
Ellen turned her head to meet her gaze. "Now, I'm learning how to let someone truly see me, and it scares me."
Roxy leaned in, brushing her lips against the back of her hand. "Do you recall what I said that morning when you told me about your ex-girlfriend cheating on you?" she whispered.
Ellen observed her, feeling a little dazed. "No? Sorry."
"You'd have to be incredibly foolish to cheat and gamble away someone as wonderful as you. I speak myself from experience now. Lying to you was just as cruel as what Caroline did to you. I'm sorry. I was so stupid."
Ellen spoke with a voice as calm and steady as a still pond. "I don't want to live in that story anymore. I'd like to build something new and strong with you if you're still up for it."
Roxy nodded, smiling without any hesitation this time. "That's all I want, Ellen."
"Are you going to kiss me or not?" Ellen whispered, overcome by desire.