Chapter 27
Jack
“Stop it! Stop it right now, please!” I watch as Momma tries to push Dad away. I hold onto the trim of the doorway as he backhands her, and she falls to the ground.
Why is he doing this? He shouldn’t be hurting her. Momma says we don’t ever hit people.
“You don’t talk to me that way, got it?” he yells at her, the sound of his voice echoing like thunder throughout the house.
“I’m sorry, baby. I love you, just not in front of Jack. Please, baby. He’s just a boy,” Momma pleads, getting up to try and hold his face in her hands.
He laughs, and I don’t understand why he’s laughing.
“Why not? He should know what love looks like. What being a man is like.” Dad turns to me with a smile on his face.
This . . . isn’t what love is? Love is when Momma makes cookies and lets me lick the spoon, or when she tucks me in at night.
Cheering for me at hockey practice and my games.
“Son, this is what love is—pathetic and useless,” he says, casting a look at Momma. “You’re better off without it at all.”
I look at Momma to see her nose bleeding. She mouths at me ‘I love you.’
“Don’t look at her, Jack. She’s nothing.” He pulls a gun out of his pants that looks really similar to the one I was playing with outside earlier, but his doesn’t have the orange tip on it. He holds it up to Momma’s head and she cries harder.
I don’t like this.
I feel the tears starting to fall because I don’t want to see Momma cry again. It makes me sad. I wipe my nose on my sleeve. “But I love you?”
“You shouldn’t.”
I jolt out of sleep with a start, the smiling expression on my dad’s face as he held a gun to Momma’s head still haunting me thirteen years later. I wipe my hands over my face, noting my shirt is sticking to the cold sweat lingering on my skin.
I get up, kicking off the blanket I’m tangled in on Al’s couch. I use their kitchen sink to splash water on my face, but it does nothing to ease the chill haunting my bones. I feel . . . empty.
That night was five months before he tried to kill her and I had to call the police.
I’ve never forgotten what he said to me that night, but what hurts the most looking back is knowing I could have done more to try stopping him, and I didn’t.
How am I supposed to know how to be in a relationship when their relationship was my example of love while growing up? Constantly watching my dad beat down my mom?
I’m terrified to be like him—to be his version of a man.
And Al? Knowing she was hurt by someone who she thought loved her just kills me. It fucking kills me.
She deserves someone who can love her without hesitation, because it’s as easy as breathing for them, and I don’t know if I can give that to her. I want to, but I don’t know how.
The way Alondra looked at me earlier was like I hung the moon in the sky just for her while we were dancing, and I needed to kiss her.
She said she trusted me, and the warm, fuzzy feeling I had in my chest exploded.
Being around Al makes me feel like the best version of myself, where I want to be everything for her.
So I kissed her, and she kissed me back.
Al makes me happy, but I can’t go there with her. It’s only a matter of time until I do something to hurt her, whether I want to or not.
After I kissed her, she wouldn’t even talk to me. She ran away when all I wanted to do was keep kissing her.
I move slowly around the living room, pulling on my hoodie before grabbing my phone from where it’s plugged in. I step out onto their patio, calling the one person who might be able to help me make sense of where my head is at.
The chill in the air feels good, helping to ground me from the chaos.
“Jack? Is everything okay?” Momma asks, answering on the third ring, and I drag my hand over my face.
“I just really needed to talk to you,” I admit, exhaling a long sigh that crystallizes right before my eyes.
“At four in the morning?”
I blink, pulling my phone away from my ear, surprised by the time. “I’m sorry.”
“I thought you’d be wiped from your game. Your coach texted me and said you played great.”
“I had a nightmare,” I admit, wishing it were something I’d concocted from my imagination instead of the darkest corner of my memories.
“About your father?” she asks, but I’ve never had them about anything else. They started shortly after he went to prison, and while they’ve become less frequent, I don’t think I’ll ever hit a point where they won’t happen.
I let out a short huff, irritated he gets to hold the title when he was everything but a father figure. “He’s not my father.”
“Jack, we can’t change who our parents are. We can only control our own actions,” she says, and I know Momma’s right, but it still doesn’t change the fact I wish I weren’t biologically related to him. “Which one was it?”
I feel terrible for calling at this time. I should have checked the time before I did. “Does it matter?”
“He can’t hurt us anymore, sweetie.”
“I know, but it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten,” I say, looking up at the clear night sky, and she sighs.
“No, you don’t forget going through something like that,” Momma says, her quiet tone reflecting the melancholy suffocating me.
I blink away the tears forming at the sound of her voice. “I miss you a lot.”
“I’ll see you in a few days,” she reminds me, and I’m relieved it’s so close. I just have to make it through these two away games tomorrow and Monday before I get to be home.
“Just a couple more sleeps,” I say, but the heaviness hasn’t lifted from my chest. “Do you believe in love?”
“Jack . . . ” she trails off, and I sniffle, wiping my nose on my sleeve while I wait for her answer.
“I do. I hoped that if I gave you more time without pressuring you to talk about it with me, you’d realize it on your own, but I think it’d be wrong to close your heart off from someone who cares about you.
Don’t let my mistakes affect your decisions with Alondra.
You have such a big heart, and so much love to give. ”
“How do you know this has to do with Al?” I ask, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“I know I’m your mother, and you probably think I’m oblivious, but I saw how you were with her. You look at Alondra like she’s more precious to you than anything else in the world. Tell me what happened,” she says, and it’s nice to finally talk to her about how confused I feel.
“I don’t think you’re oblivious, but it’s kind of a long story,” I admit, the soreness in my body finally catching up to me from our game last night, paired with sleeping on the girls’ couch again.
“Good thing it’s the middle of the night. All I have is time.”
I tell Momma everything from learning about how Bradley treated Al, to her kissing Nate during fucking truth or dare, and how it made me want to punch one of my best friends in the face.
I explain everything about last night at Twin City, and how I kissed her, but then she ran.
It feels really good to talk to her about it.
And that’s how I find myself knocking on Al’s bedroom door before I can second guess myself.
She answers it, rubbing her eyes as I’m blinded by the contrast of the light cast by the lamp on Al’s nightstand.
Alondra’s wearing the tiniest pair of sleep shorts I think I’ve ever seen, and my dick stiffens while my head is momentarily distracted by trying to figure out where she’s been hiding them before now.
Great. Just what I need—a semi, while I try to get over one of my biggest fears.
“Jack? What’s going on?” she asks, blinking at me in surprise.
“I need to talk to you, and you were ignoring me earlier.” Somehow, I manage to say it without my nerves getting the better of me.
Her dark, long curls are falling over her shoulders, tempting me to tangle my fingers in them while I kiss her. I couldn’t earlier because she ran, but maybe if I can be honest with her, Al will know she can be honest with me.
She blinks at me in shock and opens the door to let me in. “I didn’t ignore you earlier,” Alondra says, trying to defend herself, but she moves to lie back in her bed again, patting the spot next to her.
I realize this probably could have waited till morning, but I’m not going to be an idiot anymore.
“If this is about the kiss, it really didn’t matter.
It was for a number in whatever game we’re playing with the whole rating system, or we can pretend it was like Halloween and never happened.
Regardless, it really isn’t worth waking me up at this time for.
Seriously, I’m not going to let things become weird between us. ”
Okay, not off to a great start so far.
I didn’t kiss her to play games, nor do I want to keep pretending Halloween didn’t happen.
“It is about that, and it does matter, darlin’. It was a great kiss, even if you only rated it a five. I . . .” Like kissing you, like being around you, falling asleep and waking up next to you. My words fail me, and Al stares at me in shock while I sit in the spot next to her.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I lean forward, pressing my lips roughly against hers. Al is slow to react, and I tangle my hand in her hair, coaxing more from her. Then she responds, matching my intensity by meeting my every move without hesitation.
I wasn’t imagining it earlier—the connection between us only seems to burn brighter with every kiss.
And then Al turns her head away, breaking our mouths apart.
I drop my forehead to rest it on the crook of her neck, breathing in the dizzying smell of strawberries clinging to her.
“Jack, what is going on with you?” she asks, but now I can’t think about anything but strawberries.
“Did you know you always smell like strawberries?”
“Um, my shampoo is strawberry scented?”
I smile, craving another kiss from her. “I want . . .”
“You want what?”
I try to get the words out of my mouth. I want to try and be in a relationship with you.
Except it’s not what comes out of my mouth as fear gets the better of me again. “I want to try to be . . . friends with benefits with you.”
Alondra stills underneath me, and I close my eyes, wishing I could take it back and tell her what I really want.
I’m just . . .
Afraid.
I’m terrified of this, actually.
I’m terrified of opening myself up to feel the type of hurt you can only experience through the people you love because, in my experience, they’re the ones with the greatest power to inflict pain.
“Al, I know you deserve better than what I’m suggesting.
I think you’re beautiful, and I like spending time with you.
Honestly, it wouldn’t be much different than what we’re already doing, except we’d actually be able to follow through on the tension between us.
I don’t want our friendship to change,” I say softly, and I start to feel her pull back from me—mentally and physically.
“Just think about it. We can still be us because I know you have to find me at least somewhat attractive, or you never would have kissed me the night we met.”
She leans back, forcing me to meet her guarded expression. I continue my nervous rambling because I’ve really fucked this up. “Please don’t feel like you have to say yes. I can leave your room, and we’ll pretend this never happened.”
Why can’t I tell Alondra I want to be with her?
Momma helped. She really did.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know anything other than sex with no strings attached.
I’ll get there. I need a little more time, but I really am trying.
It’s just not as easy as it seemed on the phone.
“I’m not sure what to say,” she admits, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m exhausted, and I-I don’t know, Jack.”
I run my hand through my hair, pissed at myself for thinking I could make a good decision this early in the morning.
“I’m sorry. I’ll go. Please forget I said anything,” I say, each word feeling like a sucker punch, and I move to get up.
“Wait a second. It’s too late, just stay in here. It’s more comfortable than the couch.”
“The couch is fine.”
“I’m too tired to argue with you, and considering you were knocking at my door at god knows what fucking time, you’re going to have to listen to me,” Al says, leaving no room for argument.
“Are you sure?” I ask, and she gives me an annoyed look before leaning over to turn off her lamp, plunging the room into darkness.
“Either get in the bed or lie on the floor. Up to you.”
Al climbs under the covers, and I shed my hoodie, following her lead to slip under the covers next to her. Al rolls to rest her head on my shoulder, draping her arm over my chest. I wrap my arm around her, breathing a short sigh of relief.
We lie there in silence, and I pray to God this isn’t the last time I get to hold Alondra like this.
“Jack? Are you awake?” she whispers after a while.
“Yeah.”
Alondra sucks in a shaky breath, the sound resonating through me. “I’m scared.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, pressing my lips to the top of her head.
“If I agree, do you promise that things won’t change? I don’t want to lose you.”
“Al, you’re stuck with me for a long time, no matter what we are to each other. We’ll always be friends, first and foremost. I promise.”
She shifts to lie more on top of me, her legs tangling with mine. “Okay. We can try it, but I’m only going to do this exclusively. No other girls.”
I want to laugh because I haven’t laid a finger on another girl since meeting Alondra.
“Not a problem, but the same goes for you.” It really bothered me seeing her kiss Nate. I don’t want to share her. “I’m all yours.”
Al doesn’t say anything, and I hold my breath until she does.
“Goodnight, pretty boy.”
“Goodnight,” I whisper back, wishing I’d been able to tell her the truth. I close my eyes, willing all thoughts of my dad to the furthest corner of my mind.