Chapter 39
Alondra
I hadn’t heard from Bradley in over a week now, and I know Jack is upset with me for not calling the police, but I did follow through with going to the courthouse to file for a long-term protective order.
I got a lot of looks because of my face, and the judge was quick to grant a continuance of the emergency protective order until a trial date is set where Bradley can argue against the protective order.
Jack has asked me a couple more times what Bradley is holding over my head, but I’ve refused to answer.
It was hard to explain to Ellie everything that transpired during my relationship with Bradley, but she’s thankfully been really understanding about it and wasn’t upset with me for not being able to tell her sooner.
She should be mad because all I’ve been doing is running through the possibilities in my mind of what would have happened if Ellie had answered the door for Bradley instead.
I only made it two days—which was honestly longer than I expected—before Jack found out my ribs were bruised after I rolled the wrong way, and I didn’t bite back the groan of pain.
He saw right through me when I refused to take my shirt off in front of him, and by some miracle, I convinced Jack to stay with me instead of getting himself in a world of trouble.
There’s nothing good that will come from anyone confronting Bradley, especially Jack.
I’ve gotten used to waking up cocooned in Jack’s embrace, and despite wishing it wasn’t under false pretenses, there’s nowhere else I’d rather wake up than in his bed with his arm slung over my hip.
Right now, I’m not sure I could get up even if I wanted to. My internal alarm always wakes me before my actual alarm, but from all the nights I’ve spent sleeping next to Jack, I’ve learned that he doesn’t wake up before his alarm, but once he’s up, there’s no falling back asleep.
I enjoy the quiet moments in the morning before he’s awake because it’s even easier to pretend he’s mine and I’m his. There’s none of the additional shit involved with both of our pasts haunting us. If only it could be this way in real life.
My phone starts to vibrate next to my pillow, and Macy’s right on time. I slip out of Jack’s grip, careful not to wake him as I answer.
“Happy birthday, bitch!” she shrieks into the phone.
In all truthfulness, I hate my birthday. I don’t like celebrating it. Dad was never there for it because it was in the middle of season, and the one day that was supposed to be my day, never was. It, along with everything else, still belonged to hockey.
Macy is obsessed with birthdays, though. It doesn’t matter whose it is, she loves to celebrate them. It’s the only time she willingly wakes up early. Macy’s goal is to be the first person to tell someone, Happy birthday.
“Thanks, Macy,” I whisper, kind of surprised that Chad is chill with her being so loud so early in the morning.
“We’ll have to go all out for this one because your twenty-first was nowhere near the celebration it should’ve been,” she says, and Macy isn’t wrong. Bradley didn’t want to go out, insisting we stay in, and it was part of the catalyst that pushed me to end our relationship.
I muffle my laugh with my hand, trying not to let the past affect me today. “I thought we were waiting until Friday night to go crazy?”
“Semantics. What are you and Jack going to do today? I am going to pull the best friend card to steal you away for lunch, but I figured you’d want to spend time with him.”
“He doesn’t know it’s my birthday,” I admit, peeking at him in the dark to see if I’ve woken him yet, but Jack is still motionless next to me.
She gasps, and it’s too early for her to be this dramatic. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just break one of the birthday rules.”
Where the fuck do people keep coming up with these rules? Orgasm rules, birthday rules—what’s next?
“It’s your birthday?” Jack mumbles, stretching, and I guess he wasn’t as asleep as I thought he was. “Happy birthday.”
“I gotta go, but I’ll meet you for lunch wherever you want.
Love you,” I say, hanging up as she protests it’s my birthday, and I should be the one picking.
I don’t care where we go, I just want to make her happy.
I plug the phone back on the charger, lying down next to Jack, and he doesn’t hesitate to pull me closer.
“It’s early, you should go back to bed.”
“Why didn’t you say your birthday is today?”
I shrug, wrapping my arm over his warm chest. “I don’t like to make a fuss about it.
It’s just another day of the year, but Macy has this obsession with birthdays.
” I didn’t want to bring it up either, with all the chaos surrounding my situation with Bradley.
The swelling has gone down on my eye, but the discoloration stands out.
He yawns, resting his cheek against the top of my head. “Maybe I want to make a fuss about it. Happy birthday.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I whisper, closing my eyes again.
I wish I could’ve pretended for a few more moments we were together.
I know Jack isn’t ready, but is it selfish to want him to at least talk to me about it?
I want to know if I have a fighting chance or if I need to let go of the delusion we might become more.
“Of course I do, Alondra. You mean the world to me, and you deserve a great day.”
I might mean the world to him, but I still don’t mean enough.
“I’m really okay with staying in,” I reassure Jack as we walk in his house with our Chinese takeout.
Jack wanted to go out to dinner after his practice finished, but it felt like too much, especially with my black eye still attracting all kinds of unwanted attention.
I was on the receiving end of a lot of stares during my lunch with Macy.
Sometimes I catch Jack looking at it, and then he gets this look in his eyes before turning away and saying nothing.
Jack rolls his eyes. “You shouldn’t be okay with staying in, darlin’. It’s against the birthday rules.”
“Oh my god, what is it with you people and these stupid unspoken rules?” I ask while laughing. My laughter doesn’t last long, because it causes a tightening in my chest.
Jack shoots me a weird look. “What are you talking about?”
“Orgasm and birthday rules—none of these are actual things! I swear you and Macy have been making these up.”
“We’re just on a more superior level than you. Deal with it.” He ruffles my hair, and I bat his hand away. “Don’t worry, I’m sure the celebration Macy and Ellie are planning for Friday is going to be a blast.”
“I tried telling them I didn’t want to celebrate, but they didn’t listen,” I say, and Jack opens the door for me.
I’m not surprised that no one else is home, but I didn’t realize how frequently they hang out at Twin City.
I finish eating long before Jack does, even though he insisted on making my plate for me and serving me first. He’s gone out of his way to make me feel special today, and I wish I could enjoy it, yet instead it feels like we’re circling the drain.
As much as I want to believe what Jack and I are doing right now can continue, it feels insincere to continue going along with it when I know I feel more for him.
So I use my time wisely while Jack inhales an absurdly large portion of food, committing all his features to memory in case there comes a day when I won’t have the chance to.
His chestnut hair is cut shorter on the sides and a little longer on top. It highlights his cheekbones and strong jaw. I’ll never get over how annoyingly long and dark Jack’s eyelashes are, making his blue eyes pop even more. Hell, and then there’s his full lips I love to kiss and be kissed by.
They turn upward into a smirk, and I know I’ve been caught, but I don’t care.
“If you’re done ogling me, we can go watch a movie upstairs. It’s your birthday, so you get to pick.”
“Why wouldn’t we watch it down here? No one’s home,” I retort, grabbing our trash to throw it away.
Jack smiles, his dimples becoming apparent while he lifts his shoulders in a shrug. “Because I have something to show you.”
“If it’s your dick, I’m not going to be impressed.”
He laughs, radiating pure joy. “Good one. We both know you’re impressed with my dick, but it’s not the surprise.” Jack offers me his hand, leading me upstairs.
Jack stops me before his room and lets go of my hand. “Stay here for a moment.”
“You’re acting weird,” I say, and he winks at me, disappearing into his room.
He cracks the door a minute later, angling his body so I can’t see past him, and if I wasn’t sure he was up to something before, I definitely am now.
“Jack, what are you doing?” I ask, because I’m terrified of the warmth in my chest spreading everywhere.
I’m not just lying to myself when I pretend to be only his friend. I’m lying to Jack too.
“Close your eyes, please?” he requests, and I sigh, choosing to listen without argument for once. Jack still covers them with his hands, and I allow him to walk me into his room, trying not to laugh when his breath tickles my ear. “Are you ready?”
“Yes, I’m ready.”
He drops his hands, sliding them around my torso, taking care to be mindful of my ribs. “Happy birthday, Alondra.”
I blink, taking in the flickering candles placed throughout the room, and despite Jack telling me I could pick, When Harry Met Sally is queued up.
I’m not sure I’ve ever told him it’s one of my favorites.
There’s a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels and a small white pastry box sitting on top of a new fuzzy blanket.
“I told you it wasn’t my dick, but I’m sure we can arrange a showing later if you want,” Jack teases, pressing a short kiss to my cheek, rendering me speechless.
Oh my god.
He didn’t . . . how did Jack have this all ready? I was with him most of the day, and he didn’t even know it was my birthday until this morning?
I clear my throat, turning back to look at him. “You did this?” I ask, my voice cracking as all of the emotions I’ve been trying to suppress when it comes to Jack, threaten to overcome me. I’ve tried not to fall in love with him, but he makes it so damn easy to love him.
“Do you like it?” he asks, the candlelight flickering in his eyes. “I know you haven’t had the easiest couple of days, so I thought a low-key night would be perfect.”
I can’t believe he did this for me, but I also shouldn’t be surprised. This is exactly the type of person Jack has proven himself to be, time and time again.
I don’t know how he can’t believe in love, because this is exactly what love is. It’s taking the time to see and accept all the parts of someone. Love is showing up over and over again. Love is helping them be the best version of themselves, but I can’t make Jack believe in it if he isn’t ready to.
But this isn’t fun anymore, and I can’t pretend that it is.
Every kind gesture Jack has done for me has only poured gasoline on the slow burning flame of hope inside my chest, igniting to encase my whole body, and that’s when I know.
This hurts, in a visceral sort of way, and I hate to even consider the idea we’ve danced too close to the sun, burned too bright, and now the only thing left is a black hole, ready to destroy anything in its path.
I can’t change Jack until he’s ready to face his demons, and because I love him, I shouldn’t force it.
Tears flood my vision, and I wipe them away in time to see Jack’s beautiful smile fade. “Alondra?”
I rest my hand on his chest, pushing him away, and his arms fall to his sides. The loss of warmth is immediate.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper, knowing it’s better to end us now than to continue down this path. Is there even an “us” to end if we’re not in a relationship?
“What?” he asks, tilting his head at me.
I inhale a shaky breath. “I love you, and it’s okay that you can’t say it back. I’m not expecting you to, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s too confusing for me.”
His face pales. “Al, just give me t—”
“I want to. God, Jack, I want to so badly, but I can’t,” I say, wrapping my arms around myself.
“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you because you’re an incredible person.
I know your dad did some fucked up things you don’t talk about, but I don’t think all the time in the world will make a difference until you face it.
I have to deal with what happened during my relationship with Bradley, and what comes next for me, but I hope you’re a part of it. ”
“Please, I—”
I cut him off. “Don’t. This is hard enough.” I take a hesitant step closer to Jack, leaning up to kiss his cheek, and I hope it’s not goodbye. “I’m going to go, but thank you for all of this. You don’t know what it means to me.”
“Alondra.” For once, the way Jack says my name doesn’t cause my heart to swell. It causes it to break.
“Bye, Jack.” I walk past him, covering my mouth with my hand to prevent the sob from escaping. I flee down the stairs, faster than I should because it causes my ribs to burn.
Yet, the pain in my ribs is nothing compared to the splintering of my heart as I walk out the door.
The game of pretend is over.