Chapter 40
Alondra
Everyone has asked me what the hell happened between me and Jack, but I couldn’t find the right words to explain it to them in a way to help them understand why I pushed Jack away when I hate the idea of letting him go. As much as I hate my decision, I don’t think I was wrong.
I meant what I said about hoping Jack can be a part of whatever comes next for me.
At the end of the day, I like being his friend, and if that’s all we’re meant to be, I’ll find a way to get over my feelings, but the lines have become too blurred.
I don’t regret agreeing to his idea of friends with benefits, but it wasn’t a good idea for me or my heart anymore.
My goal for this year was to find myself again. I’ve learned how to find the colors in the world, and to let myself feel them instead of throwing up walls with the people who care about me.
Jack has been tiptoeing around me all night, and I’m not oblivious to all our friends’ stares, trying to figure out our new dynamic. I don’t know how to make it better, though.
I’ve been taking it easy tonight, still nursing my first beer, unlike Macy, Ellie, and Sara who are taking full advantage of the chance to go all out. I think between the four of them, they’ll have no problem doing enough shots to add up to twenty-two without me participating.
Ellie throws her arm over my shoulder, leaning in to drunkenly kiss my cheek. “I’m so glad we’re roommates,” she says, giggling.
“Me too,” I say, leaning into her hug. She’s been a really good friend to me this year.
I don’t miss how, out of the corner of my eye, Jack says something to Dylan before standing up, pulling his coat on. “I’m gonna call it a night, but y’all have fun,” he says, his smile not quite meeting his eyes when he says it, and I feel awful.
Sara boos him, pointing her thumb down. “Lame, it’s not even eleven, and you’re already ditching us?”
“Sorry, but I played a whole game tonight, and I’m wiped,” he says, his blue eyes flitting to me for a moment. “Happy birthday, Al,” he says, and I smile back at him, but it feels so fucking awkward.
“Thanks, Jack,” I say, reaching for my bottle.
After he walks away, everyone’s eyes land on me, and I feel like I’m about to be scolded like a child.
Coop sighs, dragging his hands over his face. “Look, I am the last person who wants to be involved in whatever the fuck was going on with you two, but that was painful,” he says, and I take a drink of my beer.
“We’re still friends,” I point out, and Dylan shakes his head.
“Bullshit,” Macy says, waving her finger in the air. “You love him.”
I sputter because I’d prefer if she didn’t announce it in front of his roommates, but it’s a little late now. “Mace,” I scold.
“What? Does anyone think I’m wrong?” she asks, her challenge hanging in the air, but no one looks surprised. Am I really that transparent?
“It doesn’t matter,” I say, shaking my head as Sara laughs.
“Except it does, because you both looked like lovesick fools trying not to stare at the other all night. For fuck’s sake, I was ready to shove your heads together and yell, Kiss!
because I think it would solve everything,” she says, and Nate laughs.
“Or maybe I’d dare you to kiss Nate again to spur him into action. ”
“I’m game if you think it’d work,” he chimes in, and I glare at him.
It’s funny now to think about how jealous Jack was after it. I think it’s fair to say it was arguably the reason why Jack asked to be friends with benefits.
“Even if you dare me, I’m not kissing anyone.”
“Dylan, any words of wisdom?” Ellie asks, and he shrugs.
“Don’t look at me. I told him to pull his head out of his ass after Halloween, and now it’s almost February,” Dylan says, and this is news to me.
“Al, if it makes you feel better, you’re the closest anyone’s come to Jack changing his mind about love.
Hell, I think he’s in love with you, but he’s not ready to admit it. ”
If anything, it only causes my head to spin out further.
Maybe Jack had the right idea leaving early.
Like Ellie can tell it’s too much for me to hear, she tries to salvage the night. “Al, we don’t have to talk about it anymore,” she offers, but I need to clear my head. It’s too much.
“Don’t hate me, but I’m kind of tired,” I say, and I feel bad because Macy was so excited, but I’m just not in the mood to celebrate after the last couple of weeks.
“No, please stay,” Macy says, flashing her best puppy dog eyes, but at the pace they’ve been doing shots tonight, I don’t think they’re going to make it past midnight.
Ellie shoots Coop a look, and he flinches, putting his hands up. “Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything,” he mumbles, and this time he yelps. “Ellie, stop kicking me, I’m apologizing,” Coop says, and she huffs, shaking her head.
“Don’t be so dramatic, I didn’t even kick you that hard,” she says, and I chuckle at their sibling dynamic.
“What Coop is trying and failing to say, is we just want you both to be happy, and obviously neither of you are very happy right now,” Nate says, and I know they’re right, but it doesn’t mean I can fix anything.
“I know, but I can’t make Jack change his mind,” I say, admitting my hands are tied.
“I’ll let you know when I get home.” I stand up before any of them can argue with me.
I reach into my bag and pull out two twenties, setting them on the table.
“Next round’s on me to make up for it,” I say, and Dylan shoves it back at me.
“You’re not buying us drinks. I’ve got it,” he says, and Sara looks excited.
“Fuck yeah, breaking out the black card. Let’s get Vegas Bombs,” she says, and everyone seems to cheer up enough for me to slip away unnoticed, ordering an Uber.
It’s only after I’ve stepped into my apartment, I realize my whole body is still wired despite my emotional state feeling absolutely brutalized.
The one place I think I could actually try to figure my shit out is on the ice, and at least it’s almost the middle of the night so no one will be there.
Before I can overthink and talk myself out of going, I’ve changed out of my jeans and sparkly top Macy begged me to wear into leggings and one of Jack’s sweatshirts I’ve refused to give back, then I’m on my way to the rink.
The parking lot is empty, much to my relief, and once I use my key to unlock the front door, I take a second to make sure the doors have locked behind me before going into the locker room to snag my skates from the shelf on top of Jack’s stall, holding my breath the whole time.
Ten minutes later, I have the lights turned on, and I’m stepping on the ice, gliding across the smooth surface.
Being out here has held so many memories for me, but I suppose it’s only fitting that most of my recent ones all include Jack.
It’s been the place of so many happy moments in my life, but it’s bittersweet at the same time knowing it’s the source of some deep-rooted pain.
I’ve spent years trying to be good enough at skating to win my dad’s love, then I gave it up for a boy who never deserved me.
I lose myself in the mindlessness of my warmups, skating until everything hurts a little less.
I pop my first jump, and I can’t explain it, but it’s warranted.
It feels like a well-deserved punishment to not skate at the same level I used to, and I push myself again and again, demanding more of my body despite the screaming in my side until everything hurts.
My knees ache as I miss my landing again, and I give myself a moment to catch my breath despite my leggings soaking in the moisture from the ice, overcome with emotion.
I feel the joy of loving something so much it physically hurts to know I went so long without it, and the devastating reminder of how easily I let Bradley control me. How could I have ever quit skating?
I love this more than anything in the whole fucking world.
It’s overwhelming and all-consuming, and I’m crying as my chest cracks wide open. Tears roll down my cheeks, and my whole body shakes as I sob. I’ve been free of Bradley for a year, but I haven’t fully broken free from the shackles of fear until now.
“Alondra!”
I lift my head upon hearing my name, but my vision is too blurry to make out who it is. At the last moment, I realize it’s Jack, just as he appears in front of me, dropping to his knees, his hands touching me everywhere. “Hey, talk to me. What happened? What hurts?”
I don’t know how to explain that I’m feeling everything for the first time in a long time, mourning the girl I was and the one I am now.
“Did you fall?” he asks, cupping my face in his warm hands, the rough feeling of his fingertips touching me gently. Jack is always so careful with how he touches me. “Alondra baby, you gotta tell me what happened or I can’t fix it.”
“I-I—” I can’t make the words come out.
I haven’t been living. I’m ashamed of how long I spent merely existing, and it’s not enough for me.
He smooths my hair out of my face, wiping away my tears. “How can I make it better?” he whispers, the words a soft plea.
“I-I’m okay,” I choke out through quiet sobs, trying to smile at him because there’s not anything to fix. This is me feeling every damn part of myself I thought was broken, but like bruised ribs, time was all my bruised and battered heart needed to heal.
“You’re okay?” he asks, and I nod, countering the tears still falling.
Jack pulls me into his arms, pressing the sweetest kiss to the side of my head, and I give myself a moment of selfishness letting him hold me before using everything in me to move away.
“Sorry,” I stammer out, wiping my cheeks.
“Don’t be,” Jack says, watching me, and I’m afraid of what he sees. The two of us haven’t been alone since my birthday, and now it’s like we’re struggling to fit in the boundaries I put around us.
“How did you know I’d be here?” I ask, pushing up into a standing position, and Jack follows my lead, shoving his hands in his pockets.