Chapter 40 #2
“I didn’t,” he says, a sad smile forming when his eyes drop to my torso. Shit, I’m wearing his sweatshirt. “I came to clear my head. Guess we had the same idea.”
If it weren’t so damn ironic, I’d laugh, but instead, my cheeks flush. How embarrassing is it to think that he came here to find me when he actually just happened to be in the right place at the right time?
I brush the ice off my pants, the cold sinking into my bones, and I put space between us because it’s so tempting to apologize and take back the feelings I vomited all over the place in the heat of the moment, but I know better.
My love isn’t something to apologize for.
I said it, and I’m not ashamed of my feelings for him.
“I’ll leave you to it,” I say, skating away from the man I love toward the exit.
“Alondra,” Jack calls, and I look over my shoulder, hating the tortured expression I see. “I’m sorry.”
My smile is real, even if it breaks my heart in the process. “You don’t need to apologize. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. I hurt you, and I never wanted to be like them.”
“You’re not like them, and I hate that you would ever make the comparison. I’m a big girl who knew what I was getting myself into. I was hurting myself, and that’s not your fault,” I say, and Jack shakes his head.
“I miss you so fucking much it hurts. Does that mean I’m hurting myself too?
” he asks, but I say nothing because I’m right here.
I’ve been right here, but I’m not going to beg him to love me.
“Everyone keeps telling me what an idiot I am for losing you, as if I don’t already fucking know,” Jack admits, and the sound of his voice echoes through the arena he commanded only a few hours ago.
“You haven’t lost me, Jack,” I whisper, hating the distance between us.
“I’m sorry I messed us up.” He’s not the one to blame. We were messed up from the start. “I . . .” Jack trails off, and I shake my head.
“You don’t have to say anything,” I say, and even if Jack isn’t ready to believe in love, I can believe for us.
I don’t want to leave, but I know I have to.
No one ever said love was easy.
I hesitate before knocking on the frame of the door, and my dad looks up at me from behind his desk. “Al, come in.”
When I woke to his text this morning asking me to swing by, I was certain he was going to bust me for tearing up the ice last night, but I’ve decided I’m not even sure I care. What’s one more lecture?
I got a happy birthday text from him the morning of my birthday, but nothing else until now.
“Hi, Dad,” I say, stepping into his office.
“I wanted to talk to you about a couple things,” he says, setting his playbook down on the desk. “You can sit if you want.” Dad motions toward the empty chairs in front of me.
I take a seat, and I’m wondering if the football coach has finally talked to him about Bradley. Probably, or maybe he saw me in the stands last night.
“I talked to Jack,” he starts off, and I try to keep my face composed.
When did Jack talk to him? Was it before I imploded everything, or after?
“I’m sorry, Alondra. I should never have said what I did.
I overreacted to the two of you being friends.
You’re welcome to skate whenever the team isn’t using the rink. ”
Holy shit.
Is Dad really apologizing to me? Am I dreaming?
“He shouldn’t have said anything to you about it. I asked Jack not to,” I say, hoping he’ll give me a little more information as to when this conversation would’ve taken place.
Dad clears his throat, and I’m stunned because even an apology after all our arguments about Jack is more than I ever expected.
Sure, a little frustrating he was willing to hear out Jack and not me, but I feel like this is a win I should take, regardless of where it came from.
“No, he was right to. I know I haven’t been very .
. . accepting of your friendship, but I’m okay with it.
I never asked how your trip to Texas went?
Did you have a good time?” Dad asks, trying to start a normal conversation.
“Dad, why am I here? I know it can’t only be to talk about Jack,” I say, cutting to the chase because I don’t want to think about that trip. It was incredible, but after last night, it just hurts a little too much to think about it.
He sighs and leans forward to rest his forearms on the table, looking uncomfortable. “Did you file a restraining order against your ex-boyfriend Bradley Smith? The one on the football team here?”
This is it. I’m finally going to tell them what really went on during my relationship with Bradley.
“I did. He used to physically assault me while we were together and is now refusing to leave me alone, even though we’re broken up.
” I’m shocked by how easily it comes out.
My voice is strong and never wavers. I’m done hiding.
A short giggle escapes my lips, and I’m sure it makes me sound crazy.
His jaw drops, closes and then clenches as he struggles to find the words.
“He what?” he chokes out, and I feel my stomach flip when I reach into my coat pocket, pulling my phone out to find the hidden folder where I saved everything.
I slide it across his desk to let him look through them, holding my breath.
With each photo he looks at, his eyes grow cloudier, and he doesn’t make it through all of them before sliding the phone back.
He’s seen enough to know the protection order is warranted, but I still feel bad because they’re hard to see.
“Why didn’t you come to us for help?”
I leave the phone where it sits. “I didn’t feel like I could come to you. I didn’t feel like anyone cared about me except Bradley. We accept the love we think we deserve, and I thought I deserved to be treated like that.”
Dad’s jaw drops once more at my admission. “Why do you think you deserved to be . . .” he falters, unable to say the ugly truth.
“Because I’ve never felt good enough. It didn’t matter what I did, Dad.
I felt like I could never measure up to your players and hockey.
I was great at skating because I loved it, but all I really wanted was for you to be proud of me, and to love me.
” I pull my ponytail over my shoulder, playing with the ends.
“I’m not saying it’s your fault. I know I should have ended the relationship long before I did, but it felt like he loved me. ”
His eyebrows furrow, and he rubs his jaw, finally connecting the dots. “But you quit skating?”
“You weren’t at that competition, but I wouldn’t stop looking for you after you promised you’d show up.
Bradley was there, and he wanted to know why it wasn’t enough that I had him there.
He told me it didn’t matter how high I placed because you were never going to put me over hockey.
I argued because you promised, Dad, then he hit me in the ribs so hard I couldn’t breathe.
I never would’ve been able to finish the long program, so I dropped out.
He apologized so many times, and somehow managed to make me believe he hurt me because he loved me.
Then came the threats that if I left, he’d hurt himself, and I didn’t want to lose Bradley, but instead I lost the one thing that ever really mattered to me.
You were so quick to believe it meant I didn’t love skating. ”
He looks like he’s going to be sick. I feel robotic telling him everything, and it’s so different from all the other times I’ve had to explain, but I think maybe I needed to fall apart in order to put myself back together again.
“I’m so sorry, Alondra. I should have been there. I should have noticed,” Dad says, and I twist my hands in my lap.
“I’m okay now. Jack’s mom helped me realize maybe a restraining order was the answer to getting Bradley to leave me alone.” Except all it did was weaponize my love for Jack, giving Bradley something to lord over my head. Even after escaping him, he still found a way to control me.
“Jack knows?” he asks, and I’m slow to nod.
“He tried to be there for me when he could, and if it makes you feel better, he wanted to tell you. I wouldn’t let him because I thought you’d be mad at me for staying as long as I did.”
“No, I’m not mad at you at all, honey. It’s not your fault,” he says, reaching across the desk to offer me his hand, and it feels like a lifeline.
I rest my hand in his, taking the path for forgiveness because I don’t want to hold on to this anger anymore.
It’s exhausting, and I’d rather just let him be my dad.
“I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like hockey was more important than you, but you’re my daughter.
You’ve always been the most important thing in my life, but I should have made sure you knew it.
I should have been listening before, but I’m listening now. ”
It’s kind of all I’ve ever wanted to hear from him.