Chapter 22
SLOANE
After our conversation the tension disappears from between us. We aren’t pretending anymore. It’s a relief not having to pretend that our relationship is different than it is. Unconventional, sure, but it works for us.
The comfort of that thought only lasts minutes.
There’s no bell above the door, but I can tell someone has arrived by the way conversations around the restaurant suddenly stop.
My skin starts to tingle with the sensation of everyone’s eyes landing on me.
Unable to fight the curiosity, I glance back at the door.
Thanks to all the work I’ve done over the last few weeks to repair Knox’s image I immediately recognize the woman who just walked through the door; Madison Hawthorne, his ex-girlfriend. Knox looks up a second after me, and groans when he sees her coming toward our table.
“For fuck’s sake, is she really coming over here?” he grumbles under his breath.
“Don’t react.” My eyes slide to the side without turning my head before coming back to him. “People are pulling their phones out and watching you.”
He gives me a quick nod letting me know he understands how important it is to keep his cool when she approaches as it seems she’s determined to do.
I hear him huff, and see his fists clench as he watches her come closer. “Of course she is still with him.”
I wonder if he can hear the crack in my heart.
It feels like it was loud enough for everyone to hear, but he doesn’t turn his eyes back to me.
They’re fixed on her, and yet a handful of minutes ago he admitted he’s falling for me.
At least I thought that’s what he meant, but I can’t see how it’s true if he’s still hung up on her.
I don’t see how I can reach another conclusion seeing how upset he is that Madison is here with the man she cheated on him with.
It seems we’re still one step forward and several steps back.
But as much as I want to rage about how this makes me feel, now isn’t the right time.
Not sure there ever will be a right time, because I can’t fault him for how he feels, only how he acts on his feelings.
So, instead, I paste on a smile and prepare to do my job. I’ll keep his reputation intact. At least then all of my hard work won’t come to nothing.
“Knox, what a surprise to see you,” Madison says in a saccharine sweet voice.
“I’m not sure why. I’m the one who showed this place to you,” he says, deadpan.
She laughs like he told a hilarious joke, then looks at her companion. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I introduced you to John the last time.”
The look on Knox’s face is flat, but I can tell by the tension in his shoulders that he’s fighting to stay in control of his temper.
“I imagine being naked and balls deep in my girlfriend made introductions inconvenient. I’d say it was nice to meet you, but I wouldn’t mean it.”
I kick him under the table, which draws his eyes back to me, and mouth, “Behave.”
Of course he doesn’t listen.
Knox points with his left hand to John’s, which is holding one of Madison’s. “I see the tan line from your wedding ring has disappeared. Can I assume that you are official since you’re out in public, or do you to have a kink for getting caught by your significant others?”
John opens his mouth to answer, but Madison swats him in the chest with her free hand. “We don’t owe him an explanation.”
She turns her attention back to Knox. Another fake smile mars her pretty face. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend? You’re a bit young for a midlife crisis, aren’t you?”
Madison turns to me, mock concern replacing the forced grin. “No offense. You’re a lovely girl, but you are just a girl. Knox should be with a woman.”
“Like you?” I ask, eyebrow raised. “Someone more interested in his money and status than him as a man?”
Her lip curls, giving the first real glimpse of the real Madison Hawthorne. Before she can open her mouth to spew whatever insult is running through her head, Knox interrupts.
“If I introduce you, will you go away?”
The ire on her face softens when she focuses back on Knox. “Really, you act like we haven’t known each other for years. Just because our romantic relationship ended doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Our families are still connected, so it would be best if we can learn to be cordial when we meet.”
“Sure, Madi, because I see my parents so often I’m certain we’ll see each other frequently,” Knox says, voice dripping with sarcasm.
“You will when you join your father’s company. Playtime is almost over, and you’ll need to start thinking about your place in the world. When that day comes, you’re going to want people around you that understand our world,” she retorts.
I see the muscle tic in his jaw. Knox doesn’t like to talk about what he wants to do after he’s done as a player.
Sawyer mentioned that she thinks he’ll take over his father’s company, but I don’t see him leaving hockey behind completely.
It isn’t like he will need the money, but if he does, his record and status will allow him to get endorsements, host sports shows, and many other opportunities.
There are options that don’t involve him disappearing into the corporate world.
“Madison, this is Sloane, my publicist,” he says, ignoring her previous statement. “Now you’ve been introduced, so you can go on with your evening and let us get back to ours.”
I don’t know why I’m disappointed. Of course he couldn’t introduce me as his girlfriend. Not that he’s ever even called me that. I guess we haven’t had that talk, but the odds that Madison would keep information like that to herself is pretty slim, but it hurts being hidden.
“This is an odd choice for a business dinner,” Madison says, not buying that our relationship is purely business.
Knox shrugs. “This is my favorite restaurant, and your opinion doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Have a nice evening, Madison,” he says and turns his back on her.
Madison stands there with her mouth hanging open, but Knox doesn’t give her any more of his attention. After several seconds John grabs her hand and pulls her away to where the hostess has been patiently waiting to show them to their table.
As soon as they’re across the restaurant, Knox reaches for my hand under the table. “I’m sorry about that. She’s the last person I expected we’d run into.”
I try to give him a reassuring smile, but it feels more like a grimace. “The important thing is you kept your cool enough that none of those videos will interest any tabloids. I’ll check the socials to be sure, but I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.”
“Why do I feel like that’s the farthest thing from the truth?” he asks me.
I shrug one shoulder. I’d like to say, “Because it’s clear you’re not over your ex-girlfriend,” but I keep my mouth shut. I shift my suddenly stinging eyes away from him, and blink rapidly. I will hold it together until he isn’t watching me.
This was my first real date, and like the rest of our relationship it can’t be separated from the destruction caused by Madison. Knox signals for the check, and just like that our night is over.
On the way back to his apartment I stare at the city as it blurs past the window next to my seat. Knox sits next to me, silently stewing. He doesn’t seem to notice my darkening mood, but he’s too busy weathering his own storm cloud.
I feel so stupid. Here I thought I was so mature that I wouldn’t fall for an unavailable man.
He might not be in a relationship, but he’s clearly not over his ex like I thought he was.
I think I just caught him between stages of anger and denial.
Everything has moved so fast with us that I didn’t stop long enough to realize he was only working through his grief for his lost relationship.
What I took for him being over her was really just him dealing with her being gone.
My mind jumps from where he’s at to my own psyche. I’ve been grieving the loss of my mother long enough to know that sometimes you can get trapped in it. Likewise, the desperation to escape that feeling can make you box yourself into other situations.
Take right now for example, I’m in a car headed to Knox’s apartment. I’m supposed to stay with a man I am pretty sure is missing another woman. But, what other choice do I have? I could go back to my childhood home. Doing that would mean going back to living like a ghost.
At least with Knox my brother is thriving. I was also happy before the curtain pulled back and I saw what was right in front of me where his ex is concerned. There’s no life in my dad’s house. Everything in it is like it was frozen in time the moment my mom died.
Her keys are still sitting in the bowl by the door. All the furnishings and decorations are the same ones she picked out, and in the same spots she put them. If a home can be alive, that one is holding its breath, waiting for someone who will never return.
I was frozen while inside that house too, but by choice.
Not that it was a great choice, because someone had to take care of Xander.
I could have told a teacher that my father had checked out, but it would mean that my family would be broken apart.
Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if holding on to the idea of my family was selfish.
Xander could have been adopted into a family that wasn’t broken like ours was.
That cage was entirely of my own making. I could have left. No one would have judged me for it. Except for me, that is.
Now I find myself heading to a house that isn’t my home.
I’m not even sure what reason I can give myself for what I’m doing.
Am I even anything more than a placeholder in Knox’s life?
He can’t seem to be alone, and I worry that I’m just the poor girl who conveniently fell into his orbit.
Once I’ve healed his image and his heart, what will happen to Xander and me?
I watch him while he stares aimlessly out the other window.
He’s so beautiful with his square jaw covered in stubble.
His dark hair falls in messy waves just a little too long, but in a rakish way that gives him an aura of danger.
This thing between us might have started out because he manipulated me into being with him, but somewhere along the way he became essential to me.
Basically, I’m fucked because I know I’m going to hang on as long as he’ll have me. It’s pathetic, I know, but I’m so far gone over him I don’t have another choice.
“You’re thinking very hard over there,” Knox says, making me jump.
“I’m just taking in everything.” I give him a brittle smile, as we pull in front of his building.
“Let’s go upstairs, I need you,” he says.
But does he want me? That’s the question I’m afraid to ask, because I need him too.
Xander is in bed when we get in. I excuse myself to the bedroom while Knox sees Carmela out.
Only a few minutes pass before he comes into the room, and finds me standing in front of the floor length mirror. My face is blank as I try not to cry.
I look up at the mirror and see that he’s not completely shut off to me. The look on his face reflects the same conflict I’m feeling. We both sense that something precious is slipping away. Instead of waking us up to face the reality of our situation, it sparks a desperation in both of us.
He doesn’t say anything, just turns me around to face him. His hands move from my waist to cup my face.
His dark eyes, so full of conflict, hold mine.
I expect him to dominate me, as he has in the past, to crush his mouth against mine, but instead his lips whisper softly against mine.
He walks me back to the bed, without breaking the kiss. Carefully, like I’m made of glass, he lays me down. He joins me, and deepens the kiss, but it’s not the frantic ones I’m used to. It feels like a plea and a promise, but of what, I’m not sure.
I want so badly to sink into him right now, but he’s not offering me the escape of his control. His lips coax mine to participate. I’m present in the moment, feeling everything when all I want is to feel nothing.
Slow and tender his hands slide down my body until they reach the hem of my dress. I expect him to immediately work the fabric above my head, but he pauses.
Again, his eyes meet mine, searching for an answer to a question he won’t speak aloud. I’m not sure what he sees, but if my feelings are coming through its probably a confusing mix of sadness and longing.
My hands shake as I lift them to undo the buttons on his shirt. I need him to join me in my vulnerability. With his skin bare, I can feel the rapid beating of his heart. I place my palm against it and pretend every beat is for me.
The rest of our clothes are shed slowly. The intensity of his stare unsettles me. All I see in his eyes is confusion and conflict, and I can’t keep facing it. I pull him into a kiss, the first I’ve initiated, to break the contact.
Our conversation from earlier is forgotten. He makes love to me for the first time. Every movement of our bodies seeks a connection beyond the physical. It makes my heart break and soar at the same time. I don’t know how to handle this swell of emotion welling up inside of me.
Earlier, at the restaurant he said I deserved to be made love to, but I told him I didn’t need him to be someone he wasn’t. Only, now do I see that maybe this entire time he was being someone else. This is the real Knox. He’s a man that craves connection, but like me, he’s afraid of losing it.
The pleasure and release is no less overwhelming because of the tenderness of his touches. If anything it’s more. It starts deep in my soul and extends out until my skin tingles with awareness of him.
When we’re both spent in every way a human can be, he holds me against him. We lay closer together than we have yet. My back is pressed against his front, with both of his arms wrapped around me.
Eventually, I feel his breathing even out. Once I’m sure he’s asleep, I let the tears I’ve been holding in slip free. Silently, I cry myself to sleep.