Chapter 23
KNOX
“C’mon, West! Pass the fucking puck!” I scream at the TV as if he can hear me.
If this is what retirement is going to feel like, I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. The feeling of helplessness I have watching them play like six individuals rather than a cohesive team turns my stomach.
It’s also possible I’m transferring all of my anxiety onto the game. This I can understand. I know what actions I could take to make things better. Not like the rest of my life, where there’s no playbook to help me figure out my shit.
It isn’t that I think I’m the best on the ice. Maybe I was once, but there are younger, faster guys now. My shoulder reminds me of this fact every day. When I was a new player I led the league in scoring, but that isn’t my greatest contribution anymore.
Sure, I can still go head to head with guys over a decade younger, but that’s just stubbornness. My real strength is inspiring the guys to work together. That’s what has me fighting so hard to get back on the ice. Probably too hard.
I roll my shoulder and feel the tightness in the joint. My physical therapist warned me against pushing too hard, but he also told me I could be back on the ice next season. There won’t be a next season for me. I know that. Athletes might have a god complex, but I’m very aware now that I’m human.
I have to be back on the ice this season.
That’s what keeps me reaching for the pills.
It lets me push myself just a little bit more to make that happen.
At least that’s what I tell myself. It isn’t just the pain that the pills dull.
All the sharp edges are softened. But just like the pain, everything is still there when they wear off.
They certainly haven’t helped close the distance between Sloane and I since Madison ruined our date. I’ve tried to connect to her, but the harder I fight for us, the more I feel her pull away.
She thinks I don’t know that she’s been crying herself to sleep. I don’t know how to fix everything, so I just hold her tighter while we both pretend everything is okay.
The game ends in a loss for the Titans. If this keeps up we won’t have a chance at the championship.
All of this fighting to get back in the game will have been for nothing.
Not to say that if we do end up losing I’ll regret playing this last season, but I would like to have something to show for all the hell I’m putting my body through.
Sloane comes back from taking Xander to his friend’s house for a sleepover.
Before she comes into the living room I knock the pills off the coffee table into my gym bag.
She hasn’t said anything about them, but I can see the look on her face when I take them.
After visiting her father, I don’t want to do something to trigger even more distance between us.
She’s smiling when she enters, but I can see vulnerability in the expression.
“How did it go?” I ask her.
In the short time Xander and Sloane have been living with me I have seen him blossom. He talks more, and Sloane says he’s doing better in school. I like that I’m able to give him the stability to help him come out of his shell. He’s a great kid, and there’s been enough bad in his life already.
If only Sloane was doing as well here as her brother is.
“I was worried at first. With our family the way it is, Xander hasn’t gotten close to many kids, but the moment we arrived he took off and forgot all about me,” she replies.
Without thinking, I reach out to her with my right hand, and wince when my shoulder spasms.
“Come sit with me. We can get takeout and watch a movie,” I suggest, trying to ignore the pain radiating down my arm. It seems ignoring things is my new superpower.
She joins me on the couch, and gives me a look. “Did you overdo it again today?”
I start to shrug, then stop myself. It’s a bitch having to be conscious of every movement to avoid causing more pain. Not that it works, because sometimes even the act of breathing sends sharp stabs through my shoulder.
“Probably, but I did what I had to do to get back in the game,” I finally answer her.
She looks down at her hands. “Is that all you care about? You need to play so bad you’ll break yourself to do it?”
This time when I reach out to her I am smart enough to use my left hand. I lift her chin up until she’s looking at me.
“No, it’s not the only thing. At least not anymore. It has been important to me for a long time though, and I like to see things through. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
I’m not used to baring my emotions like that, but I sense that she needs the words since my first actions with her were so contrary to how I feel about her now. She is worth the effort to change the way I’ve always been in relationships though.
Sloane’s gray eyes darken with emotion. “It’s not me I’m concerned about. I wish you cared more about yourself than you did about playing a game.”
It’s my turn to look down, because there’s too much feeling in her eyes. It doesn’t scare me that she cares, but I am terrified I’ll do something to make that look go away.
“I don’t know who I am without the game,” I admit.
She laces her fingers through mine, and some of the tightness in my chest releases.
“I don’t think we’re supposed to know who we are at all times, Knox. If we did, we’d be static, never growing. Ever since you came into my life I’ve been learning new things about myself. Just because this part of your life is coming to an end doesn’t mean what follows is going to be less.”
I chuckle quietly. “How is it you’re so much wiser than me?”
She taps her index finger against her temple. “Probably because I only think with this head.”
“Oh, you’re hilarious,” I say and lunge at her.
Sloane squeals as I roll her underneath me. It’s been ages since I’ve horsed around like this. After a few moments, the mood changes.
She looks up at me with clear eyes, more molten silver than stormy clouds. There aren’t tears in her eyes. For the first time in days she’s looking at me without questions shining back.
I kiss her softly and slowly. There’s no rush to move things along. This isn’t a kiss to prelude to something else. My only desire is to feel connected to her again.
Sloane’s hand fists in my hair, and she kisses me back with vigor. She’s not submissive right now, and in the back of my mind I understand what she meant when she said we’re always changing.
Those three little words percolate inside of me, but something won’t let them out. Instead, I pour the emotion into the kiss. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I feel like she’s doing the same thing while she kisses me back.
We’re two broken people piecing ourselves back together.
I’m not sure how long we make out like teenagers, but it’s long enough that my lips are growing numb.
It isn’t the loss of feeling that finally pulls us apart though. The sound of the intercom’s buzzer is what brings us out of the trance.
I groan and lay my forehead against hers. “Do you think if we ignore it, they’ll go away?”
“What if it’s about Xander?” I detect a note of panic in her voice. That motherly instinct she had to develop far too young, but something I am falling deeper and deeper for.
She does make a good point. Using my good arm, I push myself off of her and head to the door. Pressing the button, I reply to the doorman. “I’m here, Geoff, what do you have for me?”
“Sir, your mother is here, but she’s not on your list of pre-approved visitors,” he says. I can tell she’s giving him hell over that fact. I’m going to have to make sure he gets a good tip for dealing with her.
She confirms my suspicions when I hear her arguing with him in the background.
I sigh, and turn to look at Sloane. It finally felt like we were getting past what Madison fucked up the other night. If my ex managed to cause that much damage, I can only imagine what my mother will do.
Sloane sees my hesitation. “Knox, she’s your mom.”
“Biologically,” I mumble under my breath.
She gives me a look and I see she’s not going to understand if I turn her away. How could she when she’d give anything to talk to her mom again?
“Just don’t let her push a wedge between us. I love my family, but we’re not close. If you don’t promise, I won’t let her up.”
She gives a quick nod, and I press the button again. “Let her up,” I tell Geoff.
I hold my breath while I wait for the elevator to arrive on my floor.
She sweeps in moments later and I can see she’s already annoyed.
I kiss her cheek out of habit. “Hello, Mother. What brings you by?”
“Are you serious? I have to hear from Madison that you’re even in town. I haven’t heard a single word from you in weeks. She said you had your arm in a sling. Does this mean you’re finally done with this hockey nonsense and ready to join the company?”
She waves her arm out dismissively when she says, “hockey nonsense,” as if my life’s work has been nothing but me screwing around for the last sixteen years.
My pulse pounds in my ears as my blood pressure rises. “Which thing do you want me to answer first?” My back is already up, like only she manages to do.
She moves into the living room, and freezes when she sees Sloane sitting on the couch. Then she huffs and swirls around to face me.
“Really? I know you’re going through a rough spell with Madison, but taking up with some young hussy isn’t the way to fix things.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. It takes me a moment to collect myself before I can speak without a string of profanities.
“First, you’re not going to come into my home and insult my girlfriend.”
It’s the first time either of us put a label on our relationship, and that fact doesn’t escape Sloane either. I hear her gasp behind me. I turn to look at her, and give her an apologetic smile.
I turn around in time to catch my mother roll her eyes. “Girlfriend? Be serious, Knox, she’s a child.”