Chapter 36
SLOANE
“Ooh, I love that one. I might have to get it printed out,” Tessa gushes over a picture of Ford holding a puppy at the shelter.
He agreed with my strategy of showing a personal side of himself without actually giving up his privacy. As a result, his female fanbase has increased dramatically. It isn’t just follows on socials either, as sales of his jersey have skyrocketed since we’ve started this.
I scroll through his comments and reply to a few.
The engagement has brought a few companies to inquire about endorsement deals.
So far he’s lined up a deal working with a company that sells pet toys, and the holy grail for athletes, shoes.
Hopefully none of them will be too upset if he follows through with retiring at the end of this upcoming season.
Something apparently I’m still the only one that knows he’s considering.
I don’t think Tessa will hold it against me keeping this secret. I know how big of a letdown it could be to get your hopes up for something that doesn’t end up happening.
My phone buzzes with a text.
Ford
Turn on the news.
Tessa grabs the remote and turns on the television mounted on the wall of her office. It’s already set to Sports News Network, since the only time she watches TV in here is to catch what they’re saying about Ford.
We both hold our breath hoping something bad isn’t about to come down the line about him.
“What do you think he wants us to see?” I ask her.
Her hands shake. “I don’t know. We’ve got a past, and only some of it has been reported on. They got so distracted by us being stepsiblings that they never dug into the huge criminal case we were witnesses in. Trust me, there are literal bodies buried they could be digging up now.”
“Is this going to be a problem?” I ask her.
“Not criminally. We didn’t have a choice, and even though some of the things we had to do to survive were probably in a gray area legally, we were covered with an immunity deal that was offered to Sin.
It’s a very long, sordid story. I won’t scar you with the details, except to say that Sin isn’t just short for Jackson.
Raven’s dad was probably the most evil man I’ve ever met, and not a soul alive mourns his death.
Still, I don’t think the public will be as understanding. ”
I reach out and grab her hand. “Suddenly Knox punching a reporter doesn’t seem like such a big deal,” I mumble.
Thankfully, Tessa laughs. “It’s all a matter of perspective I guess.”
“You’re handling this pretty well, I have to say.”
She shrugs. “When you survive a criminal organization putting a price on your head, a lot of other things aren’t so big in comparison.”
He texts again.
Ford
A reporter with SNN tipped me off after they heard you work for me.
My brow furrows, and Tessa and I exchange a confused look.
I text him back.
Me? What could this have to do with me?
Three dots pop up on the screen, disappear, then pop up again.
Ford
Shit. Tessa is probably freaking out. Tell her this isn’t about us.
Tessa exhales, but I’m more confused and nervous now.
We don’t have to wait long before Knox comes on screen sitting in front of a room full of reporters. Tessa squeezes my hand, which is now shaking.
“What is he doing?” I ask, mostly myself.
She turns me to face her. “No matter what happens, or what he says, I’m here for you. We are here for you. But remember what we said. Watch what he does, and keep an open heart. Don’t do what I did and torture yourself by being stubborn.”
Knox clears his throat, and the reporters quiet down to hear what he has to say.
“Thank you all for joining me today. As you know, I’ve been dealing with an injury this season.
What you don’t know is that it isn’t a new injury.
Since the end of last season I’ve been managing tears in the ligaments in my rotator cuff.
This isn’t something that is going to get better with rest and physical therapy.
I’ve known since the summer that I was facing surgery to fix the tears, but at thirty-eight, I also knew that it would be the end of my career.
I wanted one more season before I hung up my skates, but I’ve gone about it the wrong way.
“Like many people, I’ve relied on prescription painkillers to manage the pain, which is only getting worse.
Although I’m lucky enough not to be considered addicted to the meds, I got to a point where I easily could have been.
A few weeks ago I passed out in the shower, scared my girlfriend and my best friend. Frankly, I scared myself too.
“I want to be clear, I didn’t overdose. The combination of the meds and the heat of the shower caused my blood pressure to drop, and I fainted. Because I was also dehydrated, it took longer for me to come to which was what scared everyone. Now, though, I’m grateful for the wake-up call.
“I lost the love of my life because I couldn’t love myself enough. Hockey has been my life for as long as I can remember, but it’s also only a game. Every player has to face the day when that game ends. Today is that day for me.”
I’m shaking so bad that my teeth are chattering.
I keep hearing his words repeating in my head, the love of my life.
Not once has he used the “L” word to me directly, and yet deep down I think I knew.
I also knew as long as he was insistent on hurting himself by continuing to play I couldn’t stand by and watch. It hurt too much to watch him hurt.
The reporters start shouting questions at him, but I miss a lot of what they say until someone shouts out my name.
“Knox, Trevor Danvers with SNN, you mentioned a girlfriend, but the last woman you were connected with was Madison Hawthorne. We all saw the videos of you punching a photographer that was taking pictures of the aftermath of you discovering her cheating on you when you returned from being on the road. Are you telling us that the two of you managed to reconcile after all of that?”
Knox laughs and shakes his head. At least he has managed a sense of humor about that disaster now.
“God no. You may have noticed my publicist after that mess started traveling with me. Sloane Cordero was hired by the team to help me deal with all of that. I think I fell in love with her the moment I saw her, but of course at that time I was too big of an asshole to notice it for what it was. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, especially with her, but if she’s watching right now, I hope she sees that I’m trying to be the man she saw I could be. ”
“So, what’s next for you?” another reporter shouts above the cacophony of voices.
“I’m going to go home to Portland, find Sloane, and grovel. Then I’m going to have surgery to fix my shoulder. I’ve got some other plans that I’m going to keep close for now,” he answers.
“What about the rumors that you’re going to take the assistant coach’s spot now that Nelson is moving on to be head coach of the Cascade University Rams hockey team?” a reporter calls out.
Knox scratches his head, a sign that they are too close to something he’s not ready to discuss. “Uh, well, that isn’t off the table, but we’ll see how things shake out.”
The coverage cuts off, and I continue to stare at the screen with my mouth hanging open. Tessa turns it off, and shakes me a little.
“Well, that was certainly a grand gesture. How do you feel right now?” she asks.
“Like my legs are made of Jello, and I might puke,” I say.
She guides me to sit on the small sofa across from the desk. “No puking allowed. That’s my thing right now, and I’m not sharing it. Just focus on your breathing for now.”
I do as she suggests, and slowly the ground starts to feel stable under me again. I realize I’m the one shaking, not the actual earth.
“What do I do?” I ask her.
“What do you want to do?”
“It’s a tie between running straight to him, and changing my name and hiding forever,” I joke.
“I’ve done the running thing. The problems only follow you. The question is, what will make you happy?”
“Being with Knox, but it also scares the shit out of me. I watched my father disappear because of a broken heart.”
“The same way Knox disappeared into hockey?” she asks.
I tip my head to the side while I consider her question.
“In a way, but it wasn’t the same. Knox was so caught up in the game that he didn’t care how much he hurt himself to keep going.
I think in that way it did remind me of how singularly focused my father is in holding on to his grief.
They both seemed, at least when I left, to need to hold on to the thing that hurts them the most. But, Knox never really shut me out completely.
For my father, nothing else exists in his bubble except his pain.
He drinks to forget, which is why the night I found Knox unconscious scared the shit out of me.
All I could see was my father sitting in his chair, surrounded by empty bottles, determined to drown out the world.
I can see now the comparison wasn’t fair. ”
“Trauma is trauma, Sloane. How we deal with it isn’t always rational,” she consoles me.
“Just look at all the stuff you’ve gone through. At least the stuff you’ve told me, but I feel like there’s a lot more,” I begin.
A sad look comes into her brown eyes, but she shakes it off.
“There is, but it doesn’t matter what I’ve been through.
Your pain isn’t less just because others have dealt with what you might think is more.
You’ve been dealt a shit hand, and it’s okay to need a moment to deal with that.
I never had to push aside my own pain to care for someone else.
You didn’t get a chance to grieve for your mother before you had to fill her shoes. Learn to give yourself some grace.”
A tear rolls down my face, and I don’t even know why. “What if I don’t know how?”
“Then you’ll learn. You ran away from Knox because he couldn’t love himself enough to heal. Isn’t it only right that you take your own advice?”
“How do I do that?” I whisper.
Tessa turns and digs through the stuff on her desk and comes back to me with a card.
“This is the therapist I saw when Ford made me deal with some things I had to face. She does virtual visits, and I trust her. I think she can help you finally deal with losing your mother and your childhood at the same time.”
I take the card. Despite being paper, the weight of it surprises me.
“You’re going to be okay. You’re strong and you’re not alone anymore,” she says.
The tears stream down my face without stopping. She pulls me into a hug, and I hold on to her for dear life. Tessa holds me back, and I start to think that maybe everything does happen for a reason.
Leaving Knox hurt, but finding this new family heals something he never could have. If I could get him back too—I don’t even know what that might feel like, but I think it might be my first glimpse of happiness in seven years.