Chapter 35
KNOX
“How long are you going to mope for?” West asks me as we settle into the hotel in Los Angeles.
Now that Sloane isn’t with the team Dr. Frost and West ganged up on me to make me room with West. Neither of them trust me to leave me alone. I didn’t really put up much of a fight because I don’t trust me without her either.
“I’m not moping,” I grumble.
“So you’re not in a funk because you fucked things up with Sloane, and lost her forever?” he taunts me.
I clench my teeth. I know he’s baiting me, but that doesn’t stop me from falling for it. “I didn’t lose her forever. This is just a setback.”
He cocks an eyebrow and gives me that smirk that says he’s up to something. Knowing this doesn’t stop me from falling for it. “Just a setback. Sure, I’ll bite. What are you doing to get her back?”
I stare at him without answering, because what can I say?
“Can I read your silence to mean that you aren’t doing shit, you know, other than being a miserable bastard? I can’t imagine why she isn’t falling at your feet.”
“Fuck off,” I spit out, proving I am a miserable bastard.
“Right. I can’t imagine why a dirty fuck in a bathroom at a gala didn’t have her running back to you. She should have swooned,” he pushes.
“It was an empty office,” I mumble.
“Oh, well that changes everything. I can’t see why she didn’t beg you to take her back.”
“Would you keep your voice down?” I hiss.
The teasing look on his face is replaced by a more serious look, and I know that I’m about to get hit by the real Weston Cavanagh, something he rarely displays for anyone.
“Don’t you think that’s a big part of the problem?
You keep trying to hide how you feel about her, hiding her.
Women don’t want to be a dirty secret. Not the ones worth keeping, at least. Sloane is good for you, and you’re pushing her to the background, for what?
” He waves his arms around, gesturing to the rest of the team.
“You’re on your way out, Knox. I know you don’t like to think about it, but your body isn’t going to let you ignore it.
To tell you the truth, I respect the hell out of her for walking away from you. ”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You’re supposed to be my best friend.”
He nods. “Yeah, I am supposed to be, but I’m afraid I’m also guilty of putting the team first. If I were really behaving like your best friend I would have done something when she called and I saw you sitting unconscious in the shower.
She’s the only one that had the guts not to stay and watch you slowly destroy yourself.
What did I do? I called the doc so we could make sure that everything stayed quiet so you didn’t get kicked off the team.
She was right to leave. You put her in an impossible position, and she loves you more than the idea of you. ”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask.
“Let me ask you a question. What would Madison have done if she’d found you?” he asks.
I shrug. I don’t think let me die is the answer he’s looking for, and to be fair I don’t think she’s that cold. Well, that might be too generous, but me dying from a drug overdose would be a scandal she wouldn’t want to deal with.
“I think she would have done what you did,” I admit.
“That’s right,” he agrees.
“Which is what Sloane went along with,” I remind him.
“And then she left. The difference is that Madison would be on your arm every time there were cameras around soaking up the attention. She’d be pushing you to stay the course right now.”
“Actually, she’d be shacking up with some dude behind my back and bitching that I didn’t have enough time for her,” I remind him.
He waves me off. “She didn’t plan to be caught.
She wanted the limelight and her fun on the side.
The point I’m making is that she loved the life you provided her, not you.
Sloane left because she can’t watch you keep hurting yourself, and to be frank, I’m feeling pretty shitty for backing you up.
You’re getting worse after every game. I’ve seen them giving you shots in your shoulder, and by the time we get back on the bus after every game you can barely lift your arm.
If I were a good friend I’d be pushing you to stop too. ”
“It’s because I stopped taking the painkillers.
I’m not a complete idiot. I know that what almost happened scared the shit out of both of you.
It scared me too. I don’t want to die for this game, I just want to finish what I started.
It was easier to manage the pain with the pills, and I’m damn lucky I didn’t become addicted to them, I know that.
But that’s why I’ve been struggling more after games. ”
“Bullshit,” he snaps. “The tear in your ligaments is getting worse. We both know it, so don’t lie to me or yourself.
I know it’s shit. You should have gotten a few more years to play, but stepping away doesn’t undo the career you’ve made.
There are still a lot of things you can do, and it doesn’t have to be taking over your father’s company.
But, if you don’t start taking action soon, you’re going to be doing it alone. ”
“She will come back,” I insist.
“Funny that I say you’re going to be alone, and the only person you can see beside you is Sloane.
She’s grown a lot in the short time she’s been with you.
Yes, she’s young, but she’s not nearly as naive as she was.
I don’t think she’s going to come crawling back.
That means you are going to have to do something to get her back if you think she’s worth the effort,” he says.
“She’s worth everything,” I say without thinking.
He nods like he knew that would be my answer. “Then what are you willing to do?”
That is the question, isn’t it? I know he’s right though. She’s not coming back to me, so this time I have to fight for her.
“You’ve been doing a great job mentoring Bishop the last couple of weeks,” Coach Henry says to me.
I nod, still in my head about Sloane and what I need to do to get her back.
Only one thing keeps coming to me, and I’m afraid it’s the only way.
I’m going to lose something important to me, the only question I have to answer is, which one can I live without.
Once that thought materializes, I know what I have to do. Oddly, I’m filled with peace.
“About that,” I begin. “I think he’s got the chops to take my place, but you need someone to fill his.
I think we both know my shoulder isn’t going to make it to the end of the season.
The last thing we need is for Grant to come back and fuck up any lead Bish manages to get every time they switch off.
There are a few other guys that have the potential already on the roster.
They just need more coaching to step up. ”
He smiles at me. “So you’re hanging up your skates?” It’s an odd question to ask considering how happy he looks.
“Yeah, I’m afraid I am,” I confirm.
“How would you feel about exchanging them for a whistle?” he asks.
My brow furrows. “Honestly, I’ve never thought about it. My future after hockey was always set. I was to take over for my father when I retired from hockey.”
“Is that what you want?”
“Fuck no,” I blurt out without thinking.
“Don’t get me wrong, my father provided a comfortable life for us.
We never wanted for anything. At least nothing money couldn’t buy.
I would have liked to have had present parents and a family that gave a shit, but it sounds pretty whiny considering I grew up in a mansion. ”
“Neglect is neglect. It doesn’t matter if it comes with a silver spoon.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I don’t think anyone is going to cry for the lonely little rich boy. Let’s get back to whatever it is you’re suggesting. I don’t want to assume anything. I’ve fucked up enough making assumptions lately.”
“You mean breaking up with Miss Cordero,” he says.
My mouth hangs open. “Did everyone know Sloane and I were together?”
“Was it a secret? If it was, you’re shit at keeping secrets, son,” he replies. “Is that why you’re stepping back?”
“I realized that hockey is just a part of my life, and it’s ending soon whether or not I want it to. Sloane could be the rest of my life. I don’t want to live without her. I don’t know if it is going to be possible to win her back, but I have to try.”
“Is it the traveling that she is opposed to, or is it just watching you continue to play with that shoulder?”
“She never complained about being on the road. I know there would come a time probably. She would eventually want to have kids, at least I hope, and I know then there would be frustration with the team constantly traveling. I think the biggest problem is the fact I abused the painkillers the doctor prescribed me. To be fair, I managed to get more than he prescribed, and she found me unconscious in the shower.”
I know the moment I admit that to coach he’s going to be pissed. I can see the anger swell up inside of him as the vein in his forehead starts to throb.
“What the fuck did you just say? You overdosed on painkillers, on the road? Why am I just now hearing about this?”
I lick my lip while trying to think of what to say that won’t get the doctor or West in deep shit with the team.
“I didn’t overdose. The pills contributed but it wasn’t that I took too many.
I took a couple more than I should have, but not enough to do what happened alone.
It was the fact that I drank with dinner, hadn’t eaten enough when I took them, then thought I’d take a shower to help my shoulder rather than take more.
The combination made me pass out. I’m not an addict—”
“That’s what all addicts say,” he interrupts me.
“Doc took me off all painkillers that day. I didn’t fight him on it, and I haven’t tried to get any by other means.
Since then I’ve been getting Toradol shots, they barely do shit, but I haven’t touched opioids since that day.
I know I’m lucky. I was dehydrated and my blood pressure was dangerously low.
Not taking the pills has only unmasked how fucked my shoulder really is, and I can’t ignore it anymore.
I’m going to ask Doc to set up the surgery to repair my rotator cuff. ”
“Have you heard that Assistant Coach Nelson has been tapped to coach college hockey?” he asks, changing the subject.
I shake my head. “No, but good for him. No offense to him, but since he tapped out in the minors, he’s not likely to ever get to be a head coach in the pros.”
“Probably not,” he agrees. “But that leaves me with an opening for a coach, here at the end of the season. Not a great time, but he got a late offer when the head coach there had a heart attack.”
“That’s awful,” I say, playing along.
“You are the glue of this team, Knox. We all know that your shoulder is shit. To be honest, you aren’t the player you were a couple of years ago.
That’s probably hard to hear, but it’s the truth.
You win because of your determination, and frankly because you don’t give enough of a shit about yourself not to destroy your body.
But I think we can find a healthy way to channel that motivation in a way that still helps the team and doesn’t lead to you needing any more surgeries. ”
“Spell it out,” I demand.
“I want you to replace Nelson as my assistant coach,” he says.
I exhale. My first instinct is to say yes automatically, but there’s something I need to do first.
“Can I think about it?”
His eyes narrow, then he smiles. “Only if the reason you need to think is so you can go grovel to the woman you love and make sure she is willing to take you back.”
For the first time in weeks a ghost of a smile pulls at my lips. “That’s the plan. Not sure how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to try.”
Coach Henry slaps the table. “Son, in my experience, you need a really good florist, and the ability to bare your soul. Go to her, and tell her that you can’t live without her.
Lay your pride at her feet. There’s no gimmick to winning back a good woman.
Just be honest, let her know that you’ve learned how stupid you were and you will do better. ”
“That’s it, just bare my soul and hope?” I was really hoping he’d tell me that a boombox outside of her window would do the trick, but why would any woman forget about all the pain just because a man picks the right song and makes a public spectacle out of himself.
“You should also probably be ready to prove it. I don’t think Sloane is dumb enough to fall for pretty words. She needs to see that you’ve changed.”
“Oh, so bare my soul, and somehow prove that I’m no longer a dumbass? Sounds easy,” I deadpan.
“Nothing worth having is ever easy, son. You should know that by now.”