Chapter 20 Adora #2
Before he can say a word, I open the door and dash down the hall out of his office.
I rush past Trista, the other girl, and a few other workers in the lobby toward the wash bay.
He’s behind me, calling my name, but I ignore him.
Fuck him! I rush to my car. The driver door is open and thankfully my keys are inside.
“It’s not ready yet,” the man says and I just slam the door.
I start the engine, and before I can shift into drive, Xai taps my window.
When my head momentarily jerks toward the tapping, I huff, disappointed at myself for even looking at him, then drive out of the bay.
My tires screech as I pull out of the lot.
Anger fuels my ride home. Agony doesn’t take over until I’m home and I close my front door.
Six days. It’s been six whole days and it still feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest. My physical, mental, and emotional state can only be described as in shambles.
I’m starting to think agony and heartache are my fate.
First, I lost my mom to what I thought was a tragic accident.
That devastating loss obliterated my foundation and shattered my heart.
After some time, thinking I’d started to heal, I learned the truth of her death and my soul left my body.
Then, six days ago, the man who was healing my broken heart snatched it from my chest and stomped on it.
I’m a mess.
After discovering Xai was at the scene, had taken my mother to the hospital, and kept her phone, I crumbled. I blocked him, climbed into my bed, and cried as I replayed our months together.
It was all a lie. Hell, for all I know, I was a pity fuck. After listening to my most private and vulnerable moments in voicemails, he sought me out. He used the sacred information to make me fall in love and trust him. It was all a lie and he’s a master manipulator.
Pain pierced my body as all of my happy memories became tainted in my mind by the ugly truth.
Thankfully, Kandi picked the girls up from school and kept them until late after I lied and told her I had a migraine.
The shades and hoodie I wore when I picked them up were apropos.
I kept the true reason for my bloodshot, puffy eyes to myself and I’ve kept it to myself for these past six, miserable days.
Each morning, ice cold hand towels have been deployed to reduce the evidence of all-night crying sessions.
I make myself decent enough to get my babies ready and off to school.
Around them, I’m still Mommie. They don’t see my intense sadness or despair.
I shield them from my crying. I fight hard to not withdraw from them and conceal the fact that I’m utterly overwhelmed by my feelings.
When it is time to pick them up, I utilize my ice cold hand towels again to camouflage the morning and afternoon bouts with loss of appetite, fatigue, and restlessness from lack of sleep.
I plaster a wry smile on my face and mask the fact that my heart is broken.
Work is nonexistent. I took the week off in hopes that this would pass. Sadly, it hasn’t.
I’m mourning the loss of my mom, the loss of the piece of happiness I thought I’d found, and although I hate to admit it, the loss of him.
I’m a hot ass mess and can’t seem to get myself together.
It’s Sunday morning and I promised the girls I would cook breakfast. Takeout, drive-thru, and Munchies deliveries have dominated the week and my oven hasn’t been used. That ends now.
It’s after nine and I hear Romi and Averi are up.
It’s time to be a semi-productive parent, which means it’s ice cold hand towel time.
After dragging my aching body from my bed, I amble to the kitchen and fill a large white bowl with ice.
As I’m walking back to my room, I overhear them talking, so I quietly stop to listen.
“I don’t know,” Averi says.
“But she’s sad,” Romi says.
“Really sad. I heard her cry again,” Averi says and my heart skips a beat. I haven’t been hiding as well as I thought. “I think she misses Nana. I miss her too.”
“Me too. Where’s Xai?” Romi asks and I lose another beat. She misses him too. This is why I didn’t bring men around them.
“I don’t know. I think he be working. He has a business.”
“Okay. I wanna see him.”
“Me too. I’ll ask Mommie,” Averi says.
“Okay. I’m hungry,” Romi says, and at that, I creep on to my room.
As soon as I’m inside, I rush to my bathroom, immerse my white hand towel in the bowl, then start my shower and jump in.
Hearing my babies talk did something to me.
I’ve been so caught up in my sadness that I forgot how intuitive they are.
My attempts of shielding them from my hot mess state have obviously been in vain.
They’ve heard me cry, noticed Xai’s absence, and Romi misses him.
I feel like a whole-ass failure as their mom.
In the shower, I let my tears mix with the water, and as I watch them cascade to the drain, I vow to try my best to leave them there. For Romi and Averi, I’m not going to cry again, at least not today.
After brushing my teeth and gargling, I take a deep breath to prepare myself for this ice water face wash. No matter how many times I do it, the initial shock of the cold never softens. It’s a beast but it’s worth my babies not seeing my face’s true state.
When my face is decent, I twist my braids into a high bun, throw on yoga pants and a tee, then trek to the girls’ room. Before playfully knocking on the door, I close my eyes and take a deep breath to center my emotions.
“Good morning, my little princesses,” I greet as I enter.
“Morning, Mommie,” they respond, beaming.
“How long have y’all been up?” I ask as I ease down on Romi’s bed.
“Five minutes,” she says. Her sense of time is still something she’s mastering.
“That’s it?”
“Yes,” she says with so much confidence.
I lean in close to her and sniff. “I don’t smell toothpaste. Did you forget to brush your teeth in those five minutes?” I ask.
“I did, Mommie. She hasn’t yet,” Averi says and I stand and step toward her.
“Do I need to smell your breath?” I tease with a wink.
“No,” she squeals when I lean in. “I brushed them.”
“I smell the toothpaste. Good job. Let’s get up so we can cook breakfast,” I say and they hop out of their beds.
Averi walks to her dresser and grabs tights and a shirt as Romi struts into the bathroom.
I follow Romi to make sure she gets all of her teeth with her brush.
After she gargles, I wash her face and she picks out a sundress for today.
It’s Sunday and we’re chilling at the house so I don’t care what they wear.
I only care that they are smiling, especially after overhearing their little conversation.
“What are we cooking this morning?” I ask as we journey toward the kitchen.
“Pancakes!” Romi exclaims.
“Ooh, with berries. Do we have any?” Averi asks.
“I think we do.”
I actually find strawberries and blueberries in the freezer and we have both kinds of mini pancakes with sausage patties. Together, we eat in the living room, sitting on the floor while The Little Mermaid plays on the television.
“Mommie, is Xai working?” Averi asks. I was hoping their little conversation in the room squashed this but I should have known better. My babies pick up so much, even the things I try to conceal.
“Yes, he is,” I say.
“But he comes here after work sometimes,” she says.
“Is he coming today?” Romi asks.
It’s time.
As much as I would like to delay this conversation with them, I see now that we need to have it. I inch closer to Romi and pull Averi into my side. After draping my arms around them both, I muster up a smile, contemplate my wording, then begin.
“Mommie and Xai are not getting along right now. You know how you and your friends at school may not agree and your feelings are hurt? It’s kind of like that.”
“Xai hurt your feelings?” Averi asks with too much concern. “Was he mean to you like Daddy?”
“He yelled at you?” Romi adds, her little lip trembling.
Rush’s antics really affected them. I hate that I waited too long to cut his stupid ass off.
“No, no. Xai’s not like your daddy. He didn’t yell and he wasn’t mean to me at all.” He just lied and broke my heart. “He and I just don’t agree on something. So he’s not coming around.”
“If he says he’s sorry, can he come back?” Averi asks innocently.
My girls have always been taught that mistakes happen all the time but the only thing that matters is how the mistakes are handled.
When one of them hurts the other’s feelings, accidentally breaks something, or maybe even says something not nice, they know they have to apologize.
We don’t let things fester; we acknowledge and fix it.
For Averi, Xai apologizing will repair everything.
However, because my heart and mental can’t handle explaining beyond their scope of understanding right now, I simplify me and Xai’s hella arduous situation and simply answer, “Yes.”
“Good. ’Cause I really like him,” Averi says, sounding relieved.
“Me too,” Romi adds with a smile.
If only my reality was that simple.
After kissing both of their cheeks, we return to our breakfast. Between the berries, syrup, and powdered sugar I allow them to overindulge in, they are bouncing off the walls by the time we are done.
I happily allow them to fill the living room with sheets, pillows, and comforters.
They build an underwater castle while I wash dishes and clean up the kitchen. When I’m done, I invade their castle.
“I’m Ursula,” I yell as I slide under their fort. The sound of their laughter and screams fills my ears and warms my heart.