Chapter 13
My lips go numb. “What do you mean it’s your fault?”
Jared’s face crumples like paper being crushed. His hands shake as he drags them through his hair.
“That night. The night of your accident.” His voice sounds scraped raw.
“We were coming home from Coromandel, and Sophie started hassling me about the fact that I never let her drive long distances. She said I was overly cautious and I had to learn to trust her.” He takes a deep breath. “So I said she could drive.”
Now my whole face feels numb.
“What happened?”
“About halfway home, Emmy was fussing in her carseat, throwing a tantrum about her toy falling on the floor.”
My stomach starts to churn, but I stay frozen, watching him.
“I was reaching back to grab it for her, but then Sophie must have taken her eyes off the road. And we crossed the center line.” The words come out strangled. “You were coming the other way. You swerved to avoid us.”
The room tilts. I grip the couch cushion so hard my knuckles go white.
“You swerved to miss us,” he repeats, and there are tears in his eyes now. “You went through the barrier and over the cliff, and then your car disappeared down the tomo.”
“No.” The word comes out as a whisper. “No, the police report said I missed the corner. Lost control.”
Jared’s shoulders shake. “Sophie told them that. When the first police arrived, while I was down in the tomo with you, she told them we’d seen you miss the corner. She was terrified, Felix. She thought she would lose her license, maybe face charges. She thought she’d lose Emmy.”
Rage builds in my chest, hot and sharp. “So you lied. You both lied.”
“I didn’t know what she’d told them until afterward.
After I spent three hours in the dark with you, after I…
” His voice breaks. “After I fell in love with your spirit, your humor, your incredible strength. By the time I came back up, she’d already given her statement.
She begged me, Felix. She was sobbing, terrified of losing Emmy if she got prosecuted for lying to the police. ”
I stand because I can’t sit still. My whole body vibrates with something between rage and devastation. “Oh my god. You knew I didn’t cause the accident this whole time. And you never told me.”
Jared’s eyes don’t leave mine. “After the accident, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. And then, after Halloween, when I discovered who you were, I couldn’t believe it. The universe threw you right in my path, living just down the hall from me. And I could see you needed a friend.”
“So you felt sorry for me.”
“I fell in love with you!” His voice cracks with desperation. “I was already half in love with you just from talking to you down the tomo. And then every day we spend together, it grows. The way you make me laugh, how you are with Emmy, the way you’ve brought so much light into my life.”
“But you’ve been lying to me every single day.”
“I wanted to tell you. But I promised Sophie I wouldn’t tell anyone. We’ve argued about it so many times because I thought you deserved to know the truth. But Sophie was so scared of what you’d do if you found out.”
I think about all those gentle moments between us. Him cooking me dinner. Looking after me when I was sick. How much we laugh together.
“The friends-with-benefits thing,” I say slowly, the pieces clicking into place. “You couldn’t commit to more because of the guilt. But you also couldn’t stay away.”
“No, I couldn’t stay away from you because…” He takes a deep breath. “I couldn’t stand you thinking that no one wanted you when I wanted you more than anything.”
“When Sophie asked today how you can stand looking at me, she meant how you could look at me knowing what you’ve both done.”
Everything suddenly reframes itself.
“Yes. She’s been terrified you’ll find out.”
“And you said it was difficult sometimes. Because of your guilt, not my face.”
“Your face is perfect. Every scar is proof of your survival and strength. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out.”
“Stop.” I hold up my hand. “Just stop. You don’t get to say beautiful things to me right now. You’ve been lying to me for months. Every moment we’ve spent together has been built on a lie.”
“Felix, please—”
“You had so many chances to tell me! When I talked about my slow driving. When I talked about my therapist. When I told you about losing my job because of my scars. You sat there and comforted me without telling me that none of it was actually my fault.”
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry?” I laugh again, harsh and bitter. “I’ve spent a year thinking I was careless and had caused my own accident. The survivor’s guilt of not remembering, thinking maybe I was texting or distracted because of my argument with Carlos. But I was just trying not to kill you.”
“You saved us. Your reflexes, your choice to swerve toward the barrier instead of hitting us head-on. You saved Emmy.”
“And destroyed my life in the process.”
“I know. God, Felix, I know, and I’ll never forgive myself.”
I look at him, really look at him. This man I love. This man who held my hand in the darkness, who kept me alive with his voice, who has shown me more tenderness than anyone in my life. Who has also been lying to me every single day since Halloween.
“Get out.”
“Felix—”
“Get out of my apartment, Jared. Now.”
“Please, can we—”
“Get out!” I scream, my voice breaking.
He moves toward the door, then stops. “I love you. That’s not a lie. Not for one second.”
“Yeah, I don’t really want your love right now.”
Jared’s face collapses.
But he obeys me, the door clicking shut with a finality that echoes through my chest.
I sink back into the couch cushions, and Patches shifts from beside me to curl up on my lap.
I make myself think about the crash based on what Jared just told me. How I must have made the split-second decision to wrench my wheel to the left, to head toward the cliff-top barrier rather than hit the car coming over the center line toward me.
I saved them from an accident. Emmy. Sophie. Jared.
And he never told me that.
The sobs come then, violent and unstoppable, while Patches purrs like she’s trying to hold my pieces together. But I’m already broken. I have been for over a year.
I just didn’t understand who actually broke me.