Chapter 14
I never thought I’d be pining for the day when I innocently thought Jared regarded me as a hideous monster and that’s why he didn’t want a proper relationship with me.
That was so much simpler than this.
Three days. It’s been three days since Jared left my apartment, and I’ve basically become a hermit who survives on cereal and self-pity. Patches has given up on me entirely, choosing to sleep on the kitchen counter rather than deal with my wallowing.
I’ve called in sick to work, which Aroha definitely doesn’t believe but is too professional to call me on. I can’t face the world right now. Can’t face anything that reminds me of the life I was building here, the life that Jared was the center of.
My apartment feels wrong without him in it. His favorite coffee mug is still on my counter. His hoodie is draped over my chair. The good coffee he bought me sits in the cupboard like an accusation.
I miss him with an ache that is worse than how I felt when I was recovering from my injuries.
I miss his laugh. I miss the way he hums when he cooks. I miss how he pretends Emmy’s tea parties are life-or-death situations. I miss the weight of his arm around me at night.
I hate that I miss him. Hate that even knowing the truth, my traitorous heart still wants him.
The knock on my door is sharp, aggressive. It’s not Jared’s knock.
“Go away,” I call from my cocoon of misery on the couch.
The knocking continues, louder now.
“I said go away!”
“Open the door, Felix.”
Sophie. Of course.
“Go away, Sophie.”
“No. Not until you hear me out.”
Shit, from what Jared’s told me about Sophie’s stubbornness and determination, I have no doubt she’ll set up camp in the hallway until I face her.
But that’s fine. I’ve got my own anger to counter any stubbornness right now.
I stomp to the door and wrench it open.
“What the fuck makes you think I want to see you? I don’t want to see your brother, and he’s capable of giving me great orgasms, so I sure as hell don’t want to see you.”
She barges past me into my apartment. “I need to talk to you.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
She whirls around to face me. She looks terrible, with hollow eyes, bitten nails, and unwashed hair.
“I’ll go to the police. I’ll tell them what happened,” she says.
I freeze. “What?”
“If that’s what you want, I will go to the police, and I will tell them the truth about the accident.”
I blink. “But you’ll lose your license, and that will make it harder for you to look after Emmy.”
“Yes, it will. But I’ll do it. I’ll do anything if it will help my brother right now. Because he loves you so fucking much, you know that, right? I’ve never seen him like this with anyone else. Not even close.”
“Don’t.” The word comes out sharp. “Don’t you dare come here and tell me about his love when both of you—”
“He’s devastated,” she cuts me off.
“Good. He lied to me.”
“He lied for me. Because in case you haven’t figured it out, Jared will do anything for the people he loves.”
She moves closer, leaning against the edge of my dining table, her eyes boring into mine. “You want to know about your Givealittle page? He gave you everything he had. Twenty-five thousand dollars.”
I blink. “What are you talking about?”
“Jared gave you his entire savings. He used his paramedic contacts in Hamilton to find out your full name, and when he saw there was a Givealittle page for you, he didn’t hesitate.”
I freeze. “That money was from him?”
“Yes. He felt so guilty that he’d let me drive and I’d caused your accident.”
My chest feels like it’s caving in. Jared gave me the twenty-five thousand dollars? The money that allowed me to train as a vet nurse.
“He’d been saving since he was eighteen for a house deposit, but he gave it to you instead,” Sophie continues.
“As guilt money.”
“As an attempt to help you.” Sophie’s voice softens. “He told me about those three hours in the dark. How you made him laugh while you were literally dying. How brave you were. How your spirit just…captured him completely.”
“Don’t.”
“Being caught between his loyalty to me and his feelings for you for the last few months has been tearing him apart.”
I want to tell her I don’t care, but the words stick in my throat.
“Can’t you see that?” She steps closer, her voice dropping. “Can you even begin to imagine what it’s been like for him?”
I think about all the times something flickered across Jared’s face when I mentioned the accident. The way he held me tighter after I talked about my slow driving. How he’d change the subject whenever I brought up the Givealittle page and how it had allowed me to retrain.
“He should have told me.”
“Yes. He should have. And I should have been honest from the start.”
“Then why—”
“Because we made choices based on fear.” Her voice cracks slightly. “And now we’re all paying for them.”
She looks at me, those eyes that are so much like Jared’s.
“I’m sorry. I’ll forever be sorry for what happened to you.
” She huffs out a deep breath. “So I’ll go to the police station right now if you want.
Tell them everything. Face whatever consequences come.
” She pulls out her phone like she’s ready to call them right now.
“Because Jared hasn’t slept in three days.
He’s not eating. Ryan had to physically remove him from work because he was making mistakes.
” Her voice breaks on the last word. “My brother, who never makes mistakes, who saves lives, is falling apart.”
I flash back to Jared after he’d dealt with traumatic stuff at work, how he’d held himself together and could still function. The idea that I’ve pushed him past that point, that I’m the trauma he can’t compartmentalize… I turn away from Sophie before she sees my face.
“You don’t need to go to the police,” I say quietly.
What good will Sophie getting in trouble do? It won’t remove the scars from my face. It won’t change the fact that the man I fell in love with kept something vital from me.
“He didn’t tell me when he had so many chances to,” I say.
“Because I begged him not to. On my knees, crying, terrified of losing Emmy. And he chose to protect me, like he always has.”
I blink back tears I’m tired of crying.
Sophie heads toward the door, her hand on the handle, then pauses. “You know what the worst part is? You two are perfect for each other. Like, disgustingly perfect.”
I flinch, but she keeps going.
“He laughs more with you than I’ve ever seen him laugh before.
You’ve made him want things for himself again instead of just living for everyone else.
My brother is the best person on the planet, and he loves you so much.
” She looks back at me. “I just think you need to think carefully before you throw that away.”
Then she’s gone, leaving me alone with my thoughts and a cat who’s judging me from the kitchen counter.
I try to go back to the couch, to resume my wallowing position like the last ten minutes didn’t happen. But my body won’t cooperate. I pace to the window, then to the kitchen, then back to the couch. Nothing feels right. Nowhere feels right.
Patches watches my frantic movement with disdain.
Twenty-five thousand dollars. His savings for his future, given to a stranger he talked to in the dark.
No. Not a stranger. Someone he claims he’d already started to fall in love with. He didn’t think he’d ever see me again, yet he gave me all his money.
I curl up on the couch, pulling Jared’s hoodie over me. It still smells like him.
I don’t know how to forgive this.
But I don’t know how to live without him either.
The space between those two truths feels like another tomo, dark and deep, and this time, there’s no one with a chocolate-cake voice to guide me through.