Chapter 15
I’ve been staring at my ceiling for so long that I’ve memorized every crack.
There’s one that looks like a lightning bolt, right next to a water stain that could be Australia if you squint.
Patches has given up on trying to get my attention and is now passive-aggressively knocking things off my bedside table.
It’s been two days since Sophie’s visit. Two days of replaying everything she said. How devastated Jared is. How he’d given me his life savings in an attempt to atone. How “disgustingly perfect” she thinks we are together.
My phone buzzes. It’s Annie, checking if I’m coming to my appointment. I’d forgotten. But maybe talking to a neutral person is exactly what I need right now.
An hour later, I’m in her office, probably looking like something Patches dragged in and then decided wasn’t worth the effort to actually kill.
“You look like you’ve had an interesting week,” Annie says, which I’m fairly sure is therapist code for “you look like hell.”
So I tell her everything. The birthday party, the overheard conversation, Jared’s confession, Sophie’s visit. She listens without interrupting, though her eyebrows do some impressive gymnastics when I get to the twenty-five thousand dollars part.
“How are you feeling about all of this?” she asks when I finally run out of words.
“Like someone put my emotions in a blender and hit puree.”
“That’s understandable. It’s a lot to process.”
“He lied to me. For months.”
“He did.”
“But he also saved my life. Twice. Once in the tomo and once by being…him.”
Annie leans forward slightly. “What do you mean by that?”
I try to put it into words. “Before Jared, I was disappearing. I was convinced no one would ever want me again, that I was just this scarred thing pretending to be a person. But he made me feel…real again. And wanted. Not in spite of my scars but even with them.”
“And how does knowing the truth about the accident change that?”
I’m quiet for a long moment.
“In some ways, I’m so angry because he held a piece of the truth that could have changed the way I saw my scars.
But my problem hasn’t been feeling guilty about my accident.
It’s been coping with how people react to me now that I look like this.
” I swallow a lump in my throat. “Jared said he fell in love with me when I was broken and bleeding in the dark. Before he even saw my face.”
“That must be powerful to know.”
I give a shaky laugh. “It’s everything I ever wanted to hear. Just delivered with a side of devastating betrayal.”
“Relationships are complex,” Annie says. “Good people sometimes make bad choices, especially when they’re trying to protect the people they love.”
She’s right. Despite this, Jared is still a good person, the best man I’ve ever met. And I understand why Jared chose to protect Sophie, and by extension, Emmy.
“So what do I do?”
“What do you want to do?”
I hate when she does this, makes me figure out my own answers. But I already know, don’t I? I’ve known since the moment he left my apartment.
“I want him. Even with all of this mess, I still want him. I don’t think there is anything that could make me stop wanting him.”
“Then it sounds like you’ve already made your decision,” Annie says. “The question now is whether you can rebuild trust while honoring both your needs and his.”
“How do I know if I can trust him again?”
“Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. It’s rebuilt through consistent actions over time. The fact that he gave you his life savings, that he saved your life, those are actions. The lie was also an action. You get to decide which actions define your future.”
After leaving Annie’s office, I drive home slowly, still processing. When I get to my apartment, I stand in my bathroom for a long moment, then really look at myself in the mirror for the first time in days.
My scarred face stares back.
I’m no longer beautiful. I’ll never be beautiful again.
But why do I need to be beautiful if I have Jared?
I’d trade every admiring glance I’ve ever received for one look of love from him. In a heartbeat.
Sophie made a mistake when driving. That mistake could have ended with her, Jared, and Emmy injured or worse. Instead, because I swerved to avoid them and went through the barrier, I’m the one who paid the price.
But I’d do it again. Even now, knowing the outcome, I wouldn’t hesitate to put myself in harm’s way to protect Jared and Emmy.
The realization reframes everything. My scars aren’t flaws. They are evidence that I saved people I love.
Yes, Jared didn’t tell me the truth.
But he risked his life to save me. And he’s been saving me every moment since I met him again.
Life isn’t black and white. It’s a fucking kaleidoscope of colors.
And when I’m with him, I can see them all.
I’m in a daze as I walk down the hallway to his apartment.
I press my palm against Jared’s door, feeling the cool wood against my skin. I can hear movement inside—footsteps, something being set down. He’s there. Right there. Just a door between us.
My hand forms a fist. Drops. Forms again.
Come on, Felix. You can do this.
The knock on Jared’s door feels like the loudest sound I’ve ever made.
When he opens it, I have to grab the doorframe for support because he looks destroyed.
His hair is messed up, there are dark circles under his eyes that look like bruises, and he’s wearing the same shirt he had on when he left me.
“Felix?” His voice is hoarse.
Everything in me wants to fix this, fix him. This isn’t Jared. Jared is steady hands, a calm voice, and strength that holds everyone else up. This broken version of him is so fundamentally wrong.
And I will do anything in my power to never see him like this again.
“I love you, and I’m not losing you. Not over this. Not over anything,” I say.
His legs seem to collapse under him, and suddenly, he’s on the ground, hunched over, gasping deep breaths like he can’t get enough air into his lungs.
“Oh god, Jared.” I’m on my knees next to him, pulling him against me, feeling the warmth of his body. I press my lips to his temple, feeling him tremble.
Jared’s looked after me so many times, but now it’s my turn to do the same.
“Breathe. Just breathe with me.”
He clings to me like I might disappear, his fingers digging into my arms. We stay like that on his floor, me holding him while he shakes apart.
“I understand that you didn’t tell me because you were protecting Sophie, how you were just being the best brother and uncle you could be. And it seems hypocritical for me to punish you for your loyalty and commitment to family when that’s one of the things I love most about you.”
He looks at me, and there are tears in his eyes. “I thought I was going to have to live the rest of my life without you.”
“It’s going to take more than this to get rid of me,” I say. “You’re a guy who bakes brownies and gives great blowjobs. It’s like the double whammy, the holy grail. I’m pretty sure I’m not finding anything better, so you’re stuck with—”
I don’t get a chance to finish because he’s kissing me. Messy, tear-stained kisses that taste like desperation and relief and love all mixed together.
I kiss him back, trying to pour everything I feel into it. The forgiveness, the understanding, the overwhelming love I feel for him, that it turns out nothing will break.
When we finally break apart, we’re both breathing hard.
“We’re going to have to talk this through. Maybe even with a therapist because you and me, I’m pretty sure it’s a soulmates together-for-all-eternity kind of thing. And I don’t want anything to get in the way of that,” I say.
He swallows hard. “I’ll do anything if it means I get you.”
“Good, because I have other conditions.”
“Anything.”
“No more lies. Even tiny ones. Even to protect me.”
“Never.”
“We tell each other the hard truths, even when they hurt. Especially when they hurt.”
“All right.”
“And you have to let me pay you back the money you gave me. Not all at once, but over time.”
“Felix, no—”
“It’s nonnegotiable. I need to. For me.”
He nods slowly. “Okay.”
I decide to push my advantage. “And I want the perfect future where we have some land by the ocean and some dogs and cats and chickens and maybe even a few kids, and you cook breakfast every Sunday morning and bake brownies for me whenever I want.”
He laughs, wet and broken and real. “Deal.”
I help him to his feet. We stumble to his bedroom without discussing it, stripping down to underwear and sliding under the covers like we’ve done so many times before. But this time it’s different. This time we’re both raw and exposed in ways that have nothing to do with skin.
Jared’s skin is fever-warm against mine, like his body’s been burning through anxiety for days. Tears prickle my eyelids because being back in Jared’s arms feels so incredibly right. Like I’ve been holding my breath for the last week, and I can finally exhale.
He traces patterns on my back while I listen to his heartbeat. It’s still too fast. There’s a slight tremor in his fingers as they move across my shoulder blades, spelling out words I can’t quite decipher.
“We’re definitely going to be okay, right?” he says into the darkness. His breath stirs my hair as I turn to kiss his jaw.
“We’re going to be more than okay,” I promise. “I mean, we’re going to be messy and complicated and probably need so much therapy that Annie will name a wing after us, but we’re going to be okay.”
His laugh is still slightly uncertain. “A wing?”
“At minimum. Maybe the whole building.”
He pulls me closer, pressing his lips to my hair. “I love you so much it terrifies me.”
“Good. We can be terrified together.”
We stay like that for a long time, just breathing each other in, letting the reality sink in that we’re going to be okay. We’re going to work through this.
I finally move, but only so I can lay my head on his chest to listen to his heartbeat.
“Remember when we talked about last words?” I ask eventually.
“Yes, I remember,” he says cautiously.
“I’ve decided I want my last words to be to you.”
He’s quiet for a long time. “That’s weirdly romantic in a slightly morbid way,” he says.
“That’s what I specialize in,” I say.
He laughs, and this time it’s Jared’s normal laugh, and the sound inflates my insides like helium.
“And what do you think your last words to me are going to be?” he asks.
“Something along the lines, ‘It was a privilege to be by your side through this journey of life.’”
He’s silent for a long time.
“Those are some quality last words,” he says finally.
“And I thought of them all by myself,” I say proudly.
“You realize it’s going to be hard for me to come up with something to match those,” he says.
“I know. But you’ve got a lifetime to figure it out.”