Chapter 28 Easton #2
“I’m right here, okay. You’re not alone, East. I’m right here.” Collie’s whispers comfort me. She holds me close, providing me with a strength I don’t have on my own at the moment.
I’m not sure how long the shivers tremble through me. It’s been years since I’ve cried, and it makes perfect sense. I never truly grieved Ben’s death, and this feels like losing him all over again.
The way Collie’s voice echoes through the small space between us, I can practically hear it as Ben’s. Us having a conversation—even the hard ones, where he tells me how badly I fucked up, or I tell him to get off his ass and do something.
It was our dynamic. Which makes every word on that letter feel more true than ever.
I lost sight of life after he died. Lost sight of who I was.
I spent years perfecting my craft as a lineman, then taking care of Ben during his sickness while I wasn’t working, then straight to caring for his grieving fiancé.
But I never fully grieved, myself. Yes, I was sad and processed his death by logic. It doesn’t take much to do that, especially when someone you love is no longer here physically.
But the emotional side of losing Ben? Well, I’m grieving that part right here and now.
“Fuck, Cols. I miss him so badly.”
“He’s right here. Right here.” She holds her palm to the right side of my chest. “Every day, he’s with you.”
I nod frantically because I know she’s right. He is. Ben has never left me. But living life without your twin feels like living without the ability to feel. To experience human senses. Touch. Sight. Smell. Sound.
What’s the purpose of living if you can’t do it the way it was intended to be?
“It feels cruel to be happy without him here. He should be here,” I wail.
My chest hurts.
“I know. I know.” Collie weeps alongside me. For me. I feel her care without having to say it.
There’s nothing she can say and I appreciate that. She lets me unravel without trying to fix me. There’s something to be said about a woman who knows when to surrender the last word.
“All this time…” I exhale through sobs. “All this time I could have done more. Been more. Made a difference. An impact in honor of him. But instead, I almost married his fiancé. How did I get here?”
I know I’m self-sabotaging, but it’s how I reflect on my choices. It’s how I grow as a person.
“You’re right where you should be, Easton. You didn’t know what was in his letter and you fought yourself from opening it for protection. But now, you know Ben’s heart behind it all. You can have the peace you’ve always wanted.”
“Yeah. Yeah,” I mumble hoarsely, nodding along with her words as they bury deep.
“I just hate that he’s gone. I hate that my parents are without a son and I’m without a brother.
My sister is without a brother. I hate that Syd missed out on her once-in-a-lifetime love.
I fucking hate it, Collie. I mean, who gets off on taking the good ones early?
He was too young. Too fucking good. I hate that I could have been making him proud all this time instead of feeling sorry for myself. ”
“Easton Voss, you look at me right now.” She pins me with her glare.
There’s no laughter in her tone, just intention.
“Don’t you dare talk about my friend like that.
You may have gone about things differently than Ben would have wanted, but you didn’t do anything wrong.
Never fault yourself for how you chose to grieve.
That’s your free pass. Only you can decide what you do with all the things you know to be true now.
So, what are you gonna do about it, Easton?
You just gonna sit on your ass and cry about it or are you gonna do something?
It’s up to you to change and make Ben proud.
That’s the man you are now. I see that in you. ”
She’s right.
Every word Collie says is true. I’m the only one who can decide how I take the things Ben has left behind and use them to make a difference in the world.
In honor of him. His life. His purpose. The way he invested so much of himself in his personal relationships with people.
“Thank you, Collie,” I sigh, doing my best to calm myself down. “It’s not easy to hear, but you’re right. I’ve been sleeping all these years, and it’s time I woke up. I’ve got some work to do, and I acknowledge that. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure Ben’s death wasn’t for nothing.”
Never. My twin lives on in me, and that’s a gift.
“You know you can call me, right? When you get back home and find yourself in need of a friend to talk to, I’m your girl, okay?”
“I don’t think you’ll ever realize the impact you’ve had on my life in such a short time, Collie. I mean that. Life doesn’t feel so heavy anymore. This letter has been a weight I’ve been terrified to lift, too scared of how I might handle the outcome.”
Her head falls to rest on my shoulder. Our connection is as natural as the transition from sunrise to sunset.
It’s effortless. “I feel the same, Easton. You’ve shown me life through an entirely different perspective.
I find myself appreciating the stillness.
I’m not sure I’ll ever fully settle, but the need to constantly be on the go doesn’t entertain my thoughts the way it once did.
In a way, I think what I’ve learned about your relationship with Ben has taught me that.
I see my sister settling down with the love of her life and starting a family, while I’m in the same place I’ve always been. Except now jobless, too.”
I run my fingertips across her arm, hoping to comfort her the best way I can. I know she doesn’t need me to try and fix things for her. She’s strong enough to do that without me. “Have you given any more thought to what you might do?”
“A little bit,” Collie tells me, and I’m comforted to hear her tone perk up a bit.
“I have enough savings to get me through a couple of months, but I may go stir-crazy waiting around that long without something to do. I also have the check I deposited, which I still don’t know what to do with.
But a part of me kind of wants to do my own thing.
Maybe open up a fitness studio in town. Or even in some random town.
I can go wherever, I guess. But I think I’m ready to settle without the travel schedule like my old job.
I don’t know. Having something for myself sounds like it could be pretty fun.
Be my own boss. Make my own hours. Ya know? ”
“I think if that’s what would make you happy, then you should go for it.”
“I think it would.” She smiles, and a comfortable silence stretches between us.
Tomorrow morning, we’ll head to the airport and say goodbye to all the good memories Yellowstone has brought us. A trip that felt like much more than a vacation or mental sabbatical.
It’s been life-changing.
“Hey, Easton?” Collie’s body relaxes into me, her voice just above a whisper. It’s getting late.
“Yeah, beautiful girl?”
“When you go back to Salt Hollow…and you tell your friends all about the hot blonde you met at the airport…” I chuckle, not knowing where this is going. “Make sure you tell them I was a great kisser. Best you ever had.”
“Those details are mine to keep,” I whisper back, kissing the top of her head. “But I’ll tell them all about the hot blonde that stormed into my life on a mission to ruin me for all the women to come.”
“Okay…” She exhales tiredly. “That’ll do, Ranger. That’ll do.”