CHAPTER 14 collins NOW
collins
NOW
Fuck me if I can do anything other than think about Johnnie.
When I knew she’d be showing up, all I wanted to do was prove to her how unbothered I was by her presence.
Then she shows up with goddamn homemade dog treats and that same look in her eyes that reeled me in ten years ago.
She’s made friends with Lou and is so good with Billy.
It’s like she belongs back here. Honestly, it pisses me off.
How does she show back up and just expect to pick up right where she left things?
I want to ask her why she left.
I want to know where it all went wrong.
I want to know why Nan wouldn’t talk about it.
I want to know if she’s thought of me over the years.
I need answers from her.
I’ll get them.
I’ll demand them.
Her grieving is the only thing holding me back from going in full throttle on her.
On my lunch break I decided to pick up a Happy Meal for Billy. Okay, I got one for myself, too.
Walking up to Lou’s trailer, music is blaring from next door. Bea comes out the door and bounces down the steps before she sees me.
“What the hell is that? NSYNC? Backstreet Boys?”
Bea smiles. “Some things never change, Collins, and that includes our playlist. Keep an eye on my girl? I won’t be back until tomorrow.”
“Where are you headed this fine afternoon?”
She smiles and her cheeks redden slightly. “Ask your brother.” She leaves me standing there confused, and slides in her SUV and takes off.
Bea and Campbell did always have a thing for each other back in the day. Did they run into each other recently? I make a mental note to text him later.
Billy and I eat our Happy Meals; he got the better toy and refused to trade. I’m a little bitter about it, but that seems to be on par with my emotions lately.
Heading back to the truck, it’s impossible to ignore the decades-old soundtrack blaring from Johnnie’s trailer. I know better than to go over there.
Just go back to work.
Knowing better and choosing to do better are two very different things.
Which is why I’m climbing the steps to her place, pausing before knocking.
Through the narrow window on the front door, I catch her bouncing around as she places something in one of the many boxes scattered around the living room.
Barefoot, shorts so short they could be underwear, and a baggy T-shirt, complete with a messy bun on top of her head.
It’s missing the white bow she used to always have tied there, which has me feeling some type of way.
Damn, I’ve missed her.
I decide to stop being a creep and knock, startling her, and I can’t help but laugh when she jumps. With a hand on her chest, she runs to the door and flings it open.
“My god, Collins, you scared the shit out of me.”
She backs up, wordlessly inviting me in, and I step over the threshold with a chuckle as she turns down the music on the old stereo system.
“Are you really listening to ’90s boy bands right now? What’s next, ‘MMMBop’?”
“Actually, that’s a very real possibility. Sue me for enjoying the same playlist I’ve had since 1990-something.” She shrugs her shoulders and blows a stray hair out of her eyes.
“What is all this?” With my hands on my hips, I look around at all the items and boxes, trying to make sense of what she has going on.
“Well, this pile over here is things I’ve taken pictures of to put on Marketplace and sell.
Then, everything in boxes is what I’m going to pack up and take back home with me.
I was thinking of getting a U-Haul, but I think I can manage everything in my rental.
I’ll just drive back to Texas instead of flying. ”
“Exactly how much are you planning on taking?”
“Probably just these five boxes. I’m almost done packing anything sentimental.”
Staring at the cardboard stuffed with Nan’s things, I just nod. “Don’t load any of this shit by yourself. I’ll be off at a decent time this evening. I can take care of all the lifting.”
That seems to catch her off guard, surprise etched in her features. She opens her mouth to say something, then thinks better of it and closes again.
“Just say it. What were you going to say?”
Looking into my eyes for a brief second, she flashes them back toward her feet, chewing on her thumb.
“I know you said you don’t hate me, but why?” Her eyes back on mine once again, she isn’t finished speaking, I can tell. She removes the thumb from her lips and sighs. “Don’t you want to know what happened, why I left?”
I huff a laugh, the kind that definitely has no humor behind it. “Of course I want that. More than any fucking thing. I may not know you now, but I knew you then. And I know you must have had a good reason. All I can ask is that you tell me when you’re ready. Please.”
She presses her middle fingers to the corners of her eyes, looks at the floor, giving me a tight-lipped smile. “Thank you. You’re right. I will. I can’t yet, but I’ll get there.”
I nod, because anything else would break me right now.
“Well, first things first. All Nan’s stuff has to be taken care of before I can even think about heading back. I have to finalize all of the arrangements. I’m going to go to the funeral home when I wrap things up here.”
“How about waiting until I get done at work, and I’ll take you over there. You really shouldn’t be doing things like that alone.”
“Well, Bea was supposed to be going with me, but I told her to go ahead and hang out with Campbell. They’ve been talking nonstop since she got to town. You know those two never could resist each other.”
“She mentioned something like that, yeah.”
“If you’re sure about going, that would be amazing, actually. That place gives me the creeps. Company would be lovely.”
“I mean, it’s a funeral home, they are creepy.”
She smiles—my weakness. That fucking smile is going to get me in trouble.
“Okay, I’ll be over to get you later.”
Johnnie closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath. When they reopen, I swear tears are coating those blue orbs, amplifying the already vibrant hue.
“Why are you being nice to me?”
“I have no reason not to be nice to the girl who declared a part of my heart as her own a long time ago. She still has that piece of it, no matter what’s happened.”
A tear spills over and streams down her cheek.
As I start to head out the door, my eyes catch on something sitting on the table. The envelope I gave her. The one Nan insisted I give to her when I saw her again.
And it’s unopened.