CHAPTER 29
johnnie
NOW
I don’t think I got any rest last night.
Sleep is trying to tug my eyelids closed as the sun starts to illuminate the bedroom.
Collins’ mouth is slightly open and he’s breathing deep.
Not exactly a snore, but pretty close. He’s adorable.
His long, dark lashes are already casting a soft shadow on his face, and I just lie here and stare at him, the weight of my emotions keeping me still.
Yesterday was emotionally draining enough, and then Greg being here almost did me in. I was afraid when he showed up that it would derail anything good between Collins and me, which is the last thing I want.
His visit ended up being cathartic, though.
He and I have been through quite a bit in our time together, and I think my heart will always hold a whisper of the love we shared.
I just couldn’t get past the fact that loving him never compared to the way I loved Collins.
Greg is a good man, proving so by showing up unannounced for my grandmother’s funeral.
Turns out, he was passing through on his way to some sort of medical convention in Cleveland, and the timing lined up perfectly.
We talked for a couple hours before he had to get going.
Once he was gone, I ran some bath water and sat in the tub until my skin shriveled.
Something he told me before he left had me reeling, and I needed to soak in hot water with music cranked up to get my head to sort it all out. Not to mention my heart.
After Collins left, Greg said it hit him why he had looked familiar.
He was in San Antonio one day, just showed up in the parking lot of the hospital.
I could tell he was hesitant to give me the details but I begged him to tell me everything.
Of course, Greg hadn’t known Collins at the time, but once he saw him again everything fell into place.
Greg said he doesn’t know why he was there, but obviously it had something to do with me.
Now I have questions for Collins that need answers. I’ll damn sure get them, too. As soon as he wakes up.
Until then, I rise and reluctantly pad my bare feet across this old rust-colored carpet.
When I make it to the front door, something catches my eye.
There, sneaking out from under his hoodie, is something metallic beside the boots he took off last night.
I bend down and retrieve the tiny loop of aluminum that’s tied to the end of his boot lace.
I would have noticed this. He must keep it tucked inside his boot.
I sit down and cross my legs beside the brown leather work boots.
Picking up the beer tab, I rub it between my fingers and tell myself it can’t be the same one from all those years ago.
There’s no way.
“I just haven’t been able to let it go,” his raspy morning voice booms, startling me, and I whip my head around to see him in nothing but his black boxers, arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the wall. He starts walking toward me, crouching down to my level when he gets beside me.
“This is the same one? From that night? You’ve kept it all this time?” The confidence that Collins usually carries is overshadowed in this moment, by something more reserved.
“For a long time I held onto it, like some sort of tangible reminder of you. It felt like clutching a physical part of our yesterdays, and if I didn’t have it, I might lose the last bit of proof that we existed. That it was real.”
His words do something to my heart that I didn’t know would be possible. The shattered pieces that I thought were not mendable start piecing back together. My choked emotions throw me right into his waiting arms, tears trickling from my cheeks and down his chest as he holds my head to him.
“I don’t know why you’re not mad at me, why you’ve held on all this time, but I’m so thankful.”
He rubs his thumb up and down my shoulder.
“I’m plenty mad, Johnnie. Believe me. But you’re the place my guard never holds. You’ve always been my weakness.” He takes both hands and squeezes my shoulders. “Are you going to tell me at some point, the reason you left? The reason you gave up on us?” His voice vibrates through me.
“I will. I will at some point, I promise.”
“Then that’s going to have to be good enough for me right now.”
“While we’re talking about laying everything out on the table…can you tell me what you were doing in Texas about five years ago?” I can feel him stiffen. He definitely didn’t expect those words to come out of my mouth.
“How did you know? Let me guess, Greg remembered me.”
“He didn’t at first, but yes. He put the pieces together after you left and realized why you looked familiar.”
Collins sighs and releases me, allowing me to look through blurry eyes at him.
“I came over to bring Nan some groceries one day and saw your engagement announcement on the counter. I thought that you leaving gutted me, but it was nothing in comparison to how I felt in that moment. I was on a plane less than twenty-four hours after that. I asked Bea where to find you and she willingly gave me your address. I believe her exact words were ‘go get the girl.’”
That makes me smile.
“I got to your complex and sat in my rental long enough to try preparing myself for what I would say to you, how I would convince you to come back to me. While I sat there in the parking lot, some very unexpected things happened.” He runs a hand down his face and blows a long breath out his mouth before continuing.
“You pulled into a parking spot right in front of me, you were right there. You didn’t see me though, and before I knew what to do, he pulled in, and your eyes were on him.
Greg was there, and you got out of your car. That’s when I saw your belly.”
His words stab through me, taking my breath with them. Oh my god, he saw me? He isn’t looking into my eyes anymore, almost like he knows it will amplify the pain.
“You were pregnant…how could I interfere with that?” I swear his eyes start to glass over.
“I thought I was going to die. Stayed locked up in a hotel room for days feeling sorry for myself. I knew I had to do one more thing before leaving you behind for good, though. I had to make sure this new man in your life was good enough for you. I wanted to hate him, Johnnie, I really did. But when I saw him heading to his truck from inside the hospital, a goddamn Mickey Mouse pin was attached to his scrubs, and he told me about how he was a pediatric nurse and that he was going home to propose to you—again.” He looks off, searching for the right words.
“I just knew he was good. He loved you. And that’s all I wanted for you.
The best. So I left. Came back to Ohio and tried to move on with my life.
Some days were more successful than others, but I was trying.
Then you come back to town, and not only are you not engaged anymore, you’re not a mother either.
Not unless you’ve kept a huge secret from me. ”
Pain slices through me, just at the mention of being a mother. I was going to tell him, I just lost Nan, though. There’s only so much grief I can deal with at a time.
“Listen, you can explain all this to me whenever you’re ready. I already told you, I’m here for you as soon as you decide the time is right. But I do want to know. I want to know it all. You have to tell me everything, Johnnie.”