Chapter 53 #2
“I can do that.” There’s a smile in his voice as his arms tighten around me, and all I can think is how badly I hope that, somehow, maybe, there’s a way for the two of us to have more next times than just through this summer.
What that would actually look like, I have no idea. There’s still no part of me that could ever dream of being selfish enough to ask Myles to stay, to just give up his dreams for me, but with each passing day, the permanence of us feels more and more inevitable somehow.
I’m starting to drift off to the soft, beautiful sound of Myles’s quiet breathing when it happens.
Maybe it’s the fantasies I’m spinning of the two of us finding a way to build a life together, or maybe it’s just that my sleepy brain has dropped its guard so completely that I don’t even think twice, but before I realize what I’m saying, the three words I’ve spent so long holding back are spilling from me in a half-asleep whisper. “I love y—”
In an instant, I’m wide awake, my heart going totally crazy in my chest as the fact that there’s no taking back the words I’ve just blurted far too much of to pretend I’d been saying anything except for what I’d started to say sinks in.
I love you.
Ohmigod, thirteen and a half years I’ve kept those words held in, and now, just like that, I’ve let them slip.
Myles isn’t asleep. For a split second, I’d hoped maybe he was, but then I’d heard it. The jagged catch in his breath as he’d processed what I’d just said.
Of course he knows I love him. But me actually saying it? Ohmigod, that’s so totally different.
So much of me wants to hide. Just roll over and bury my face in my pillow and hide from whatever sweet, patient Myles response he’s going to have for me.
Because I know him well enough to trust that, whatever he’ll say, it’s going to be so him, it will only make me love him all the more.
“Did you just tell me you love me?” There’s a soft tremble to his whispered question, and ohmigod, is he totally freaking out right now?
The fact that it’s too dark for me to see his expression is deeply unfair. Or maybe it’s the best thing possible, since it means he can’t see my face either.
It’s not like this can be news to him, but maybe it’s having to think of something to say back? Ohmigod, he is freaking out. I just know it and—
Myles’s hand reaches up to cup the curve of my jaw, and just like that, my own stream of panic cuts off. Warm, gentle fingers stroke over my cheek, and suddenly, I know, no matter what, it’s all going to be okay.
“Yeah.” I sigh, nodding into his palm as I give up trying to make out his expression through the darkness and let my eyes fall shut. “I didn’t mean to say it, but—”
“But you mean it?”
“Of course I mean it.” Even without him seeing my face, there’s no hiding now. No pulling back the truth he already knows anyway, and so I might as well let him hear it all. “Myles, I’ve been in love with you for over half my life.”
A sound fills the space between us. Something between a breathless laugh and a sob, and then the next thing I know is the warm, insistent softness of Myles’s lips as he rolls us to the side, his body melding into mine when he wraps me so tightly in his arms that all I can feel is him surrounding me.
“Charlie,” he murmurs over my lips, making my already racing pulse skip.
Suddenly I’m holding my breath, because sweet and Myles as he is, something about this feels so totally different than anything I’d been expecting. If feels like—
“I love you too,” he whispers, sending my heart soaring as tears spring to my eyes. Ohmigod— “So, so much.” One soft, sweet brush of his lips over mine, and ohmigod, is this even real? “I’ve always loved you, even when I didn’t know what it meant.”
Ohmigod—
“You’re the only person I’ve ever loved,” he murmurs with another kiss, so tender, my heart feels like it’s about to break with happiness. “I think, maybe, you’re the only person I ever could love the way I love you.” His hand slips up into my hair, tangling in it as he holds me to him.
There’s a quiver to his breath, and when I reach up to cup his cheeks, my fingers brush against the dampness of tears.
That’s all it takes for my throat to tighten and for the tears that had already been gathering in my eyes to spill over my lashes.
Myles loves me.
And ohmigod, what he’s just said. Not just that he loves me too. That he’s always loved me. That I’m the only person he’s ever loved.
It’s my turn to let out a laughing sob as I press a tearful kiss to his lips, closing my eyes and breathing in the soft sigh he lets out at my touch.
“You really are ridiculous, you know.” Another kiss.
“Did you really have no idea that I’ve been in love with you ever since we met? I practically told you—”
“I thought I knew.” He rests his forehead against mine.
“Until the moment I realized I was in love with you, I just assumed. But as soon as I knew how I really felt about you, all that just went out the window. Because what if I was wrong? What if you had loved me, back when we were kids, but your feelings had faded since then? Or maybe you’d only ever liked me, never loved me at all. ”
“I’ve always loved you.” Fresh tears well in my eyes because, ohmigod, being able to say those words aloud is everything I’ve ever wanted. “I never stopped, not for a single day. There’s no world where I couldn’t love you.”
The catch of my next breath echoes the muffled sound that breaks from him as I stroke my fingers over the smooth warmth of his skin and the silky coarseness of his beard. Through the softness of his curls as he buries his face against my neck, kissing over my shoulder.
“You’re everything, baby. My everything.”