Chapter 36
Jesse
“Sorry that took forever,” I call over my shoulder to Tris as I toe out of my shoes by the door, pushing it shut with my free hand that’s not taken up with the bag packed with our dinner.
“The poor kid had gotten himself so lost, and he felt terrible. I tipped him extra though—Tris? What’s the matter? Are you alright?”
I probably look like an overreactive idiot the way I practically throw the bag onto the counter and launch myself across the kitchen toward Tris, but there’s this strained, glazed over tension in his too-pale face, like he’s sick or in pain or—
“Don’t be angry, please?”
His words make me stop short, suddenly taking in the way he’s holding himself, arms clutching defensively around his middle.
As I watch, trying to process what could possibly have happened in the five minutes I was gone, he stumbles an anxious step back from me. And his voice…he hadn’t even sounded like himself, just some broken, halfway-there echo.
“I’m not angry, Tris. I promise.” It doesn’t matter that I have no idea what he’s talking about. How could I not say it when it’s obvious that he’s about to crumble to pieces? “What happened?”
Before he can answer, a sudden, high-pitched, drawn-out beeping draws my eyes down to the kitchen table. To my laptop, where it’s lying with the top half visibly askew from the keyboard, lights and screen flashing on and off sporadically—
“Shit—” My breath comes out in a hard rush, and I lunge forward to grab it as, for one sickening, freefalling second, I forget that everything’s backed up. That it’s just the computer that’s fucked and not my whole damn dissertation—
The sound sputters, then dies. The flashing lights blink out, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Tris edging further back. Away from me.
“I broke your laptop.” He chokes out the unnecessary words in a whisper into the echoing silence, and my gaze snaps back up to his miserable face.
“But Jesse, I swear to god it was an accident. I was just trying to clean up the table. I’ll pay to have it fixed and I’ll buy you a new one if it’s too bad to save. Whatever kind you want. A better one than this one—”
His voice is desperate, pleading. An obvious attempt at appeasement, and his distress shatters any momentary concern about the state of my computer.
“Tristan, stop.”
With a loud clunk, I deposit the broken device back on the table. I don’t give a damn about my carelessness, except that the sudden sound makes Tris jump.
He stares at me, mouth partway open, pupils blown wide with fear as he takes another quick step back from me, flinching so hard when I reach for him that he bumps into the wall beside the table.
And fucking Christ, now I am angry. Not just angry. I’m livid.
Just not at Tris.
No, it’s that fucking bastard Josh and anyone else in Tris’s life who ever hurt him.
I fucking hate anyone who’s ever done anything to make him feel like this.
Anyone who’s made him so afraid of having made a mistake.
Anyone who’s ever made him look at them like this. The way he’s looking at me now.
“Tris,” I reach for him, slowly, eyes locked on his, trying to let him see that I only want to show him he’s safe. “I’m not mad at you. I’m not upset.”
My voice shakes, belying my words. It doesn’t matter though.
I mean what I’m saying. At least, I mean that I’m not upset with him.
“And you’re not buying me a damn thing. It’s just life—” My throat constricts, and I swear I can literally feel my blood boiling as my mind races, trying to grasp onto the right words.
“But your work—” His eyes drift over to the computer again, but my gaze doesn’t break away from him. Now that the way this is impacting him has sunk in fully, it’s only Tris I care about.
That damn laptop could burst into fucking flames right now for all I care.
“All on the cloud. And even if it wasn’t, I still wouldn’t blame you. Not for a single minute.” And fucking Christ, I mean every last word I’m saying.
“You’re not upset?” The pleading, disbelieving look he gives me sends a hard, sharp pang through my heart as I take a careful step closer. Thank god that this time, he doesn’t flinch away from me at least.
“No.” I shake my head for emphasis, and he mirrors me, a lost looking gesture as unsure as I’d meant for mine to convey my sincerity.
It’s the uncertainty in that movement that breaks me. I have to hold him.
“Can I touch you, Tris? Please?”
He nods, a small, jerky movement, but it’s enough, and before I can remind myself to move slowly, not to startle him, I’m closing the space between us, reaching out to wrap my arms around his waist so I can tug him close.
For a moment, he goes rigid again, then he sinks forward, letting his weight settle against my body.
Jesus, he’s literally shaking.
I have to squeeze my eyes tight, fighting back tears, as I press my face to his warm, soft, sweet-smelling hair. My hands run up his back, down his sides, and up again to cup his face so my thumbs can stroke over his cheeks. “Tris, it’s alright. It’s all alright.”
He shakes his head against my hands, huffing out a laugh that’s quite possibly the saddest sound I’ve ever heard. “Do you know how fucked up it is that you’re the one trying to make me feel better when I’m the one—"
“It’s not fucked up,” I cut him off, forcing myself not to tighten my grip around him. God, all I want to do is hold him close enough that he’ll realize how much I mean what I’m saying.
“What’s fucked up is anything that anyone’s ever done to make you afraid like this. I told you I’d never hurt you. I meant it. Even if I were angry. Even if it ever is you that I’m angry with. I will never hurt you, Tris. Never. When you looked at me like you thought I might—”
At my words, his muscles go taut again, like he’s going to pull away. I should let him. I know I should, and yet all I can do is hold him closer.
“Fuck, Jesse,” he says into my shoulder as he sags back into me, voice edging on panic again.
“I know. I know you meant it and I know you wouldn’t.
I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t really think you would, I just freaked out and it was just like— Like I was back in Tuscon, you know?
” He shakes his head, and I swear I can feel him curling in on himself like he wants to hide. “I’m sorry—”
“You don’t need to be sorry, Tris.” My words are a little choked, but really, I’m surprised I manage to get them out at all. “I’m not upset about that either. I just want you to know that you’re safe. You’re always safe with me.”
“Why are you always so perfect, sunshine? So good?” He breathes out another shaky laugh that makes me want to hold him closer than ever. “And I’m just so fucking stupid. You’re not him and I know it, I’m just all fucked up. I just need to get over all this shit already but—”
“You don’t need to just get over anything,” I can’t help cutting him off. I can’t stand to hear whatever he’s about to say about himself next.
Trying to keep him as close as possible, I slip my hand up to cup the side of his face again as I tilt it toward mine, hoping he doesn’t notice the way both my touch and my voice shake. “You are not stupid, and you are not fucked up, Tris.
“Being hurt and having some shit to work through doesn’t make you fucked up.
” Even as he tries to look away, I find his eyes, hoping to convey my sincerity in my look as fully as in my words.
“Am I fucked up because of what I told you before? About how I’m still dealing with my feelings about my relationship with Stephen and about his death? ”
He shakes his head, eyes wide and serious, and I can’t help dipping down to press a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. His next breath comes out with a quiet, contented sound that warms my chest, making that place in my heart that he’s claimed expand a little further.
For several long seconds, I just let myself hold him, taking in the slowing rhythm of his breath and heart, feeling the tension in him ebbing away under my hands as I stroke up and down his back.
“You deserve to get to make mistakes, Tris,” I whisper, when I think I can trust my voice not to tremble. “To not have to be afraid someone’s going to blow up at you for anything, let alone something you did on accident. But that’s going to take time. It’s not something that will happen overnight.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him how desperately I want to be the one to show him, and I only just manage to hold those words back. I can’t make him feel pushed or pressured or anything but safe.
There are things he needs to hear though.
“Remember this morning I said I had more I wanted to tell you?”
“Yeah.” He nods against my chest, and I hope I’m not imagining the smile I think I can hear in his voice.
“I need you to know how special you are, and how much I hated the things you said about yourself just now.”
I bury my face in his hair again, closing my eyes as his hand slips up under the back of my shirt, his thumbs tracing circles over the small of my back.
“There’s nothing about you that’s fucked up or stupid.
You’ve been through so much I can’t even imagine, and everything I learn about you just proves how strong and resilient you are.
Of course it impacted you, Tris. You’re human.
I just wish you’d see that none of it takes away from how incredible you are.
“You,” I trace my fingers along the line of his jaw as he tips his head back up to look at me, “are so beautiful,” I whisper, swallowing hard against the lump of nerves creeping up my throat as I steel myself for the naked honesty I need to offer him.
“Ever since I first saw you, I’ve felt like I just couldn’t look away, even when I knew you saw me staring at you. You dazzled me then, but when I look at you now, I don’t just see your face and your body. I see you, and what I see is even more amazing than how gorgeous you are.
“Everything around you is just brighter. Better. When you laugh, I can’t help laughing, and when you listen, I don’t feel boring, or like I’m being weird and awkward and should probably just shut up rather than keep going.
And your music and your art— Tris, you’re brilliant, and I don’t think you know it. ”
He breathes out in a long, shaky exhale. “No one’s—” He swallows hard, “No one’s ever said anything like that to me.”
“They should have.” Confidence is seeping back into my voice now as I take in the light that’s filling his expression as his eyes bounce between mine. “And as long as we’re together, I’ll tell it to you as many times as you’ll let me.”