Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
Gus went to the gym and got in the ring with a trainer, sparring hard until he was streaming sweat and his knees shook from exertion. Nice of Tarek-fucking-McKenna to show his true colors at last. But it hurt that Madoc had too, by doing exactly nothing.
Gus didn’t need defending—he put up with asshats all the time who wanted to ensure he knew his ‘place’ in their straight, able-bodied world. He’d still hoped Madoc would have his back with Tarek tonight. But that hadn’t happened, and Gus was going to be mad and sad about it for a long fucking time.
“Val’s not a toy the two of you get to fight over.”
A heady mix of resentment and contrition washed through Gus as he stepped into the canteen at Station 1 after his workout. Images of Valerie’s tearstained face battled with the look of disgust Madoc had thrown at him before storming off, and all Gus wanted now was to chill with his cat while he guzzled the mammoth peanut butter frappe he’d picked up on his walk over, because fuck it.
Unfortunately, Shift Commander Rivas was standing by the coffee machine when Gus walked in and raised a questioning eyebrow at him.
“Something I can help you with, Dawson?” she asked.
“Oh, hi, Commander.” Gus gestured to Lemonade who was already up on a chair and prepping to get airborne. “Came in to pick up the kitty.”
Rivas chuckled as the cat leaped onto Gus. “You really ought to keep her at home, you know,” she mused. “We’d all miss her of course, but it’s obvious Lemonade is happiest in your presence.”
Gus smiled at the gentle chiding but then Rivas’s expression changed, and he got the feeling he wouldn’t be going anywhere for a bit.
“Do you have time to talk?” Rivas jerked a thumb over her shoulder toward the doors that led to the offices. “I was going to message you about coming in before shift change on Friday but since you’ve so helpfully made yourself available on your night off …”
Gus reached up and stroked a hand down Lemonade’s back. “Of course, ma’am.”
He followed Rivas into the commander’s office, setting his gym bag and Lemonade on the floor beside the guest chair before seating himself. The cat seated herself on Gus’s foot, but when Shift Commander Marcel also walked in and closed the door behind him, Gus sat a bit straighter in his chair.
“We’d like your opinion on Recruit Walters.” Rivas seated herself in the second guest chair while Marcel took a seat behind the desk. “Specifically, your impressions of how he’s performed on A1, though anything else you’d like to add is welcome.”
Gus glanced between the commanders. His assessment was always going to be part of Madoc’s final evaluation, as would Billy Lord’s, Madoc’s supervisor back at Station 5, and probably Heather’s too, given she’d partnered with Madoc for several weeks. But while Gus’d never delivered an eval verbally before, he didn’t have to think hard about his response.
“Walters is an excellent EMT,” he said. “He’s smart and knows his medicine, and he’s shown great instincts with the patients. I’ve also found him to be a creative problem solver who will work with me instead of going rogue.”
Rivas looked interested. “How is he at taking direction?”
“He’s professional and doesn’t get in his head about it,” Gus replied. “We all know Walters worked on crews in Seattle before moving here and his experience shows in how he approaches the job. While I’m always conscious of what he’s doing on a call, I can give him space to manage himself because he’s good at thinking on his feet and I know he can handle the autonomy. That said, he respects the chain of command and understands how to function as part of a team. We’ve only worked together a few months, but it feels like much longer.”
“You trust him,” Marcel suggested.
On the job, Gus trusted Madoc completely. Away from it, maybe not so much anymore.
“I do, sir,” Gus said. “Walters has been a great partner.”
One of the best I’ve ever had.
Folding his hands around his frappe cup, Gus again looked between his commanding officers. “May I know why you’re asking me about Recruit Walters?”
“You may,” Rivas replied. “But first, Commander Marcel and I wanted you to know that Bobby Stark submitted his retirement papers after his shift yesterday.”
And there it was—the news Gus’d been dying to hear for so many months he’d lost count. Weirdly, Gus didn’t know what to feel now.
“Good for Bobby,” he said. “I hadn’t heard it was official.”
Commander Marcel nodded. “He’ll start telling people tomorrow and we’ll begin the job of filling his spot on P1. And another at Station 3, as well as two at Station 16,” he said with a rueful smile. “Change is in the air it seems, and just in time for a round of promotions. One of which will be yours, Paramedic Dawson, and please accept our congratulations.”
Gus grinned for real this time and they all stood, Rivas and Marcel offering congratulations and handshakes while Lemonade complained about losing her seat and Gus tried to wrap his head around his emotions. He felt amazing knowing the hours he’d labored and studied and been an absolute baller on the job were paying off in a big way. But there was a hollowness in him too, turning Gus’s happiness cool in his gut. Because regardless of who filled Bobby Stark’s spot on P1 in the coming days, Gus’s partnership with Madoc Walters on an EMS truck was at an end.
Marcel gestured for Gus to resume sitting. “Now, you’ve probably guessed that the promotion committee is weighing the idea of fast-tracking Recruit Walters, despite his short tenure with us.”
More feelings buffeted Gus on all sides. Sincere happiness and so much pride for a guy who deserved not to languish on a BLS truck when he wanted and was capable of so much more. As well as a sinking apprehension that the space on Ambulance P1 might no longer be Gus’s to take.
Madoc counted on working the night shift at Station 1 because location and timing meant everything to maintaining the tenuous balance between his work and life.
But Gus would not pass up a chance to ride on P1. Not even for Madoc.
Would you do it for Val? For the family you know you love?
And what the fuck was this madness? Gus didn’t have room in his heart for people who could slip out of his life without warning. Who’d made it clear he wasn’t a part of the family and instead was just a kid-sitter and fuck buddy, welcome in Madoc’s home but still held apart.
The problem was that Gus loved Madoc and Valerie anyway, so much it hurt to breathe just thinking about it.
He loved that Valerie was zany and warmhearted and so fucking smart. That she showed Gus her kindness and imagination and that her heart mirrored her father’s, one of the strongest, most real people Gus’d ever met. A man who’d made Gus feel like he was ready to put the shitstorm he’d been through with Ben behind him. Who’d set fire to Gus’s body while giving him a glimpse of an ordinary, perfectly wonderful life Gus wanted with everything in him.
Partner. Daughter. Family. Love.
“You’re my favorite person after Daddy n’ Uncle T and I want to keep you.”
That was what Valerie had whispered to Gus tonight as she’d fussed over his ear. Words that had lifted his heart and broken it into a hundred pieces. Gus couldn’t imagine not having Valerie and Madoc in his life. But the truth was that he’d never truly had them.
“Walters deserves to be fast-tracked,” Gus said to Marcel and Rivas. “The department is lucky to have him.”
Marcel picked a folder off the top of a small stack on the desk. “The board agrees with you, provided Walters is open to the idea of a transfer or switching from night shift to days should that need to happen.”
“Need to, sir?”
“Transfers and schedule changes are still in flux,” Marcel replied, “including your own. Now, Commander Rivas and I have no doubt you’d do good work on P1. But we’d also like to offer up an alternate scenario for your consideration.”
Gus cocked his head. “What kind of alternate scenario?”
“The kind we believe will make the best use of your skills in both paramedicine and leadership.” Rivas gestured to Gus. “You’re good with the recruits, Dawson. You assess and change as needed without getting hung up on rank, and you act as a mentor to your partners while teaching them, a skill that doesn’t come naturally to everyone who does this job.”
“Thank you, Commander.” Gus ignored his fiery ears. “I appreciate that.”
“We appreciate you,” Rivas said. “And we also believe you’d be an excellent fit in Rapid Response.”
The excitement Gus’d been chasing since he’d walked into the office raised its head and his heart beat a touch faster. “You’re talking about the Squad program,” he said carefully.
“Yes, we are, Dawson,” Marcel replied. “Would you like to hear more?”
Gus did. He knew all about the department’s efforts to beef up its fleet with Squad cars, a type of tricked-out SUV that was dispatched to scenes ahead of an ambulance. Smaller and faster, the Squads moved more easily through traffic, allowing the paramedic on board to provide immediate treatment for patients or, if transport wasn’t needed, connect them with the right services. The Squad car operators also supervised paramedics and EMTs in the field and carried the rank of lieutenant.
“So, if I’m hearing you right, you’ve got your pick of dream jobs,” Felipe said as he and Gus wheeled into a Lexington gym to play basketball the next afternoon. “One you already wanted, the other as good if not better since it also includes a pay increase and a promotion.”
“Basically,” Gus said. “The job on P1 is mine if I want it, but there’s also a Squad for me in Rapid Response.”
“You are so fancy, manito !” Scooping a ball off the nearest rack, Felipe rolled it up and down the thigh of his own shorter limb, which ended about an inch above where his left knee had once been. “But help me out here, dude. Even though I appreciate you wanting to talk out the details, you’ve got to know what I think you should do.”
“That I should take the Squad car with the extra pay and promotion?” Gus laughed at the ‘duh’ face he got from his friend. “Ian said the same thing.”
“Is there a reason you’re hesitating?”
“I don’t think I am, really. More trying to be sure I’m making a good choice instead of just reacting to a shiny new thing.” Deciding for me and not someone else. “Both jobs are great, and they’ll kick my ass every day. Riding on a Squad car, though … That’d be a step way outside of my comfort zone.”
Bringing the ball to his chest, Felipe passed it to Gus. “That’s the best argument I can imagine for you to take the Squad car. I think a challenge would be good for you, Gus. Unless you’re going to feel weird ordering your buddies around.”
“Eh, that doesn’t bother me.” Gus dribbled the ball and smirked without shame. “Everybody already knows I’m bossy, Felly, because that’s my default.”
“It’s part of your charm,” Felipe said. “Also, the reason we made you co-captain, so you can run your mouth at the refs and make up for how fucking slow you are taking the ball up the court.”
With a wink, Felipe started wheeling past Gus. But then quick as anything, he snapped a hand out and stole the ball, cackling as he raced off with it and Gus chased after through his own laugher.
Basketball only distracted Gus for so long, however, the weight of his decision bound up with complicated feelings he couldn’t discuss with anyone. Knowing that whatever choice he made would kickstart a shit-ton of changes for himself and a certain single dad who had no idea what was coming.
“Whassup, kid?”
Gus smiled at his pops. Every year for his birthday, the Dawsons traveled to Provincetown for the day to bike and go sightseeing, and to gorge without shame on a lot of great food. Today, they’d split up after lunch so Gus and Steven could hike the Causeway, a rock wall that spanned a mile-long section of Provincetown Harbor, while the others rode a ferry to the very tip of Cape Cod. There Gus would chill on a secluded beach with his parents, Donna, and Donna’s boyfriend, Roan, toasting each other with cans of cold beer and peanut butter cookies his ma had made before they began the return journey to Boston.
The day had been fabulous, filled with laughter and affection, and now a stunning ocean landscape lay at Gus’s feet. And still his thoughts kept straying back to the city, his partner, and the curly-haired Bug.
“Nothing much,” Gus said to his pops. “Just have a lot on my mind.”
Steven hummed agreeably. “Is it the work stuff? Or the guy stuff?”
“Guy stuff?” Gus leaned forward onto the handles of his crutches. “I haven’t been?—”
“Seeing your partner from the truck outside of work?” Steven suggested. “Because it kind of seemed that way to your ma and me that time we met Madoc at your place.”
Oh, good.
Gus stifled a groan. He couldn’t lie to his pops, not even for Madoc.
“We’ve been hooking up,” he admitted. “It’s all super casual and nobody knows.”
“I don’t think that’s entirely true,” Steven said in his dry way. “If things were truly casual between you and Madoc, you wouldn’t be all Sulky McGee today because he and his daughter didn’t show up to celebrate you.”
“I am not Sulky McGee,” Gus countered, aware he sounded like a big fucking sulker. “I didn’t invite Madoc and Val because they already had a thing. Besides, it’s probably best they couldn’t come. People don’t know Madoc is queer, not even Val, and he’d have been playing it straight the whole day.”
Steven frowned. “That can’t be easy for you.”
“It’s not.”
“Because you have feelings for him.” Steven shrugged when Gus eyed him. “I saw the way you were with him, Gus, and with Val too. And all I can say is that you need to be careful with her.”
The edge of warning in his voice had Gus bristling. “We are being careful. Madoc always puts Valerie first.”
“I don’t doubt that he does—from what you’ve said, he seems like a wonderful parent. But Madoc and his daughter may not be on the same page about everything being casual.” Steven smiled kindly. “Valerie may be just a little thing but she can’t help who she loves any more than you can.”
Gus’s chest squeezed and he bit the inside of his cheek. “I know,” he said, but something in his voice or expression must have given him away, because the humor went out of Steven’s face.
“Oh, hon. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” Gus patted his pops on the arm. “I kinda … fell into the deep end with a whole bunch of feelings. Might have dragged Val in after me.”
“I know you don’t really believe that.”
“No. But Val doesn’t understand I was never meant to be more than a kid-sitter.”
“Or she doesn’t care.” Sighing, Steven put an arm around Gus. “Love isn’t a thing you can make a person feel, son. If that’s what Val feels for you, she got there on her own. That’s why you have to be careful, particularly with her being so young.”
The pressure in Gus’s chest tightened terribly. “I don’t want her to be hurt. But I also can’t keep doing this casual thing with Madoc when I know I need more and if I walk away, I’ll be walking away from her too, and letting her down.”
“No one says you need to go poof all at once,” Steven reasoned. “You and Madoc are friends, aren’t you? So, figure out a way to make your withdrawal easier.”
Gus stared out at the water again. “What if I don’t have to withdraw?” he asked. “I do want a friendship with Madoc. Maybe we can work out a schedule where I still see them on the regular but make sure Val understands who I am to both her and her dad.”
His pops stayed quiet awhile, and because Gus hadn’t truly expected an answer, he didn’t think that so odd. Until Steven ran a hand over the back of Gus’s hair.
“In a perfect world, what you describe would be enough for everyone. But we both know the real world is complicated.” The crease in Steven’s forehead was deeper when Gus looked his way. “My focus will always be your happiness, especially after what you’ve been through the last couple of years. I worry that you won’t be able to stop yourself from giving everything that big heart of yours has to offer, even knowing you won’t get the same back. And you deserve more.”
The gentle words had Gus’s eyes watering. He did want more for himself. And he wanted more for Madoc and Valerie too. They all deserved to have people in their lives who’d be there for them and ensure they knew they were loved.
Gus wanted to be someone like that for the Walters family. He just didn’t know if Madoc would let him.